Walking Home

Sometime, perhaps a week ago, I managed to coax Raghav to get out of the house with me.....just a few errands around our complex...it's been long since he stepped out of the house just like that with me...

The wind was strong that day, catching us in the gap between the two tall buildings, pushing us and whisking us. We smiled....we laughed....and held hands as we walked through it, with it, together.

"Amma, the wind has woken me up.....I was feeling sleepy before we came down....but now I am awake and so full of energy....I love the way the wind is pushing me," he said, his face lighting up like a bulb.

A few minutes later, we were at the office to hand over the cheque for maintenance. Grim, morose men looked at us. A few minutes later, overhearing a part of the conversation, I realised that they were in the midst of some argument of sorts....someone was being pulled up for something they had done or not done. I waited for the receipt and walked out with my son, thanking them with a smile. There were no smiles repaid.

We decided to take a peek at the clubhouse to see if the swimming pool renovation had been completed. While we were walking there, Raghav suddenly told me this: "Amma, I was feeling very tired at that office. I don't know why. But just before that I was feeling so fresh with the wind."

Words rose up to flow out. But something made me stop. I held them back and simply listened to him, acknowledging what he had shared with a simple nod of my head.

What was I trying to achieve by wanting to share my interpretations and opinions?
Why should I put thoughts into his head?
Why should I get him into this whole mind game of wondering why he felt that way, finding reasons, etc.?
That was all part of my drama. I needn't drag him in.
These were the thoughts that filled me. And I simply stayed with them.

Yes, I do have a sense of what happens with him. I've felt that for many years....that he is very sensitive to the energies of people around him and has kept away from some people because of that, although we have never talked about it. I simply trusted him and his sensing and didn't force him to explore things and places that he didn't want to. But I don't need to tell him all this. These are my feelings. I want him to develop his own sense of things....by listening to his own body.

Funny that this happens at a time when I am myself reviewing spaces that I am in......looking at my motivations and interests, whether I really want to be somewhere, how I feel in my body in those spaces....and sifting and cleaning up the spaces around me and within me. I am learning to listen to my body all over again, and to see how my mind comes in the way of that.

And it looks like we are on the same journey - me and him......our starting points may be different....but we are always walking each other home.

Of Sauron, Crows and Twitter Spies!

Raghav was showing me his progress in one of the games he is playing - Lego - The Lord of the Rings. At one point, some giant black birds (crows) suddenly appear out of nowhere, and perch on the rock face of the mountains, watching Aragorn, Frodo, Sam and Gandalf...what they were up to. The conversation that ensued had me in splits and wonder! :)

Raghav: "Oh gosh! Now don't tell me Sauron's using Twitter!"

Me: "What??! What do you mean by that?"

Raghav: "You know, the evil Sauron, I think, has sent these 'twitter spies' to keep an eye on us.....you know, birds as messengers, who will carry messages to him about our whereabouts!"

Me: "Twitter spies?! Now where did you hear of that?!"

Raghav: "I made that up! You know what Twitter is don't you?...that popular messaging website that the whole world uses, with the bird logo?...where people keep sending messages to each other?....the whole world seems to be using that! I've seen some messages and the logo while watching some of my videos on Youtube."

!!! :) I was completely flummoxed with his revelations, basking in my old-found glory of being an ignorant fool (I know less about Twitter than he does!), and holding my sides and laughing at the seamless joyful connections that were being made so effortlessly!

A Child is the Father of Man

Hurt and wounded last night, with no other adult around to keep me warm, I looked to the only human being I knew, close to me.....my dear son. As I cried my heart out and yearned for the warmth of human skin against mine, I whispered to my son softly:"Pappa...I need a hug....a long hug.....will you give it to me?"
He was busy playing Minecraft, but he dropped everything he was doing, smiled softly, gave me a peck on my cheek and lay down on me, hugging me tightly for as long as I wanted. It was one of the most precious hugs.
And then I looked into his eyes as tears streamed down my face and asked him shamelessly:
"Will you be my appa (father) tonight? Will you go to sleep with me earlier than you usually do today? Will you hold me and sleep today, instead of the usual....my holding you? I think I really need that today."
He beamed, nodded his head, put his arm around my neck and shoulder, wiped the tears from my eyes and said:"Yes, I will."
And he did just that. For me. Without a word. Not asking me whys or whats or hows. Thank God for that, because I would not have known what to say.
So we went to sleep in each others arms, holding each other tight.....happy to be home. This one beautiful home that we have....each other.
And I woke up this morning with this thought - what would we do in this world without children?
For a child is the father of man. Naturally. No school or guru or book need teach him that.
Children simply know what we have forgotten and spend a lifetime learning.

Are we 'filled with anger' or 'angry'?

After being witness to a sudden bout of anger from his father, and giving each other the space to breathe and simply be, yesterday I got talking to Raghav again.
I asked him how he felt about it. This is what he had to say...

R: "Appa is a man filled with anger. He should be a member of the Red Lanterns!" :)

Me: "What are the Red Lanterns?"

R: "They are part of the Lego Batman app. They are creatures in the D.C. Universe which stand for the emotion 'rage' ".

Me: "So do you feel that what appa felt was rage?"

R: "No. I think his was more like anger....rage is something more intense I think."

Me: "So how come you said that he 'was a man filled with anger' and not 'an angry man'?"

R: "I don't know. It just came out that way."

And I thought to myself - maybe he will know what he already knows... some day, or maybe not.....who knows?

But it isn't often (at least for me) that one gets to hear someone describe 'a person filled with an emotion' in this way. We often make emotions personal. We get attached to them. I do that pretty often. And then we don't see the person behind it all.....we don't see Love. Perhaps he did.

Rules

Of late, we have been having some concerns over Raghav's use of the iPad and had some long conversations with him on that, letting him know how we felt about some things and why we were feeling that way. He listened long and hard, agreed with many points raised and then decided to experiment with some rules, which he decided to make for himself, all on his own. We asked him to make rules that he could remember and follow on his own, without us having to remind him. He made a few and has diligently been following them for some days now.

Today, he was too excited to play something as soon as he woke up this morning, and was all set to get going with his plan for the day. And he forgot to set the timer on his iPad, which was one of the rules he had made. After a few hours into the game, when the charge dropped really low, he suddenly remembered that he had forgotten something and had broken a rule. He was angry and disappointed with himself, came and told me that and decided to punish himself by skipping lunch. He refused to listen to me about punishment and how I felt about it. And so he starved the whole day. We let him follow what he wanted to do.

A little while ago, he came up to me and beamed from ear to ear, telling me this:
"Amma, let's make it this way.....the day I break a rule which I made, let it be that that day none of the rules count.....but that doesn't mean I will break them everyday or often!" :)

This is the whole point of rules isn't it? ....They are meant to be followed and broken at will. :)
What if we had a common understanding about this?

Well I can say from experience how freeing it is to see rules this way! A dear friend and I have lots of 'spiritual' conversations over the state of traffic these days, where we exchange stories and complaints and frustrations. Simple, mundane things that can bring you some great insights into the art of living. :)

At the end of one of those conversations, he shared this idea with me - what if we saw traffic issues in this light?.....that at every traffic light, there will be some who will stop, and some who will not....well, I have been trying to see things this way for a while now, and I can tell you how peaceful and happy I feel inside when I drive on our crazy roads these days! :)
Do try it and see for yourself!

Rules are made to be followed and broken at will :)

Freedom

The other day, we were somewhere and my son wanted us to buy him something which he really wanted. And we did not because it was beyond our budget. We explained our stance to him. He was still very upset and angry. For a long time he did not want to see us or talk to us. Then later, on his own, he said that he was ready to talk about it.

I asked him how he was feeling, and he said that he was angry. He was angry that we hadn't got him what he wanted. I listened to him express his frustrations. We explained to him why we could not, and suggested other ways of planning for such things, so that both he and we were prepared. He agreed to make a list of things he wanted and then sit down with us to see what was possible, when etc. And then he told us this: "Why is it that you grown ups have so much freedom and not us children? Why can't we do what we want to? So many times I have seen grown ups not give their children freedom...." Of course, that was said in a moment of anger and frustration, but I felt that there was some truth in it.

Often we don't want to see the truth that is staring at us. We do (seemingly) have more freedom than they do, because we are often able to exercise control not only over our choices, but over their choices too, and we often attribute that to our belief and value systems.....but do we stop and question those and see for ourselves if we are holding on to them too tightly? Do we stop to see another point of view and the larger picture that is emerging, which often has nothing to do with our beliefs and choices really? These are questions I ask myself, and I don't know the answers to any of these, but I am learning to stay with these questions more and more and loosen the grip over my beliefs, a little at a time, being gentle with myself....simply because I do not know....

Two days ago, this whole thing about freedom came up again and we were talking about it on our way home. I shared with him how much freedom I think we gave him. He agreed. I then shared with him why I thought his father usually never said no to him and got him most things that he wanted. I told him how when he was a child, he was hardly ever given things that he wanted, hardly ever allowed to buy things he wanted, because his father could not afford it. I told him how I thought that was the reason why he wanted him to have what he asked for. And how I felt that that was okay, but that the world and Life do not work like that.....that you don't always get everything that you want, whenever you want...and that I felt it was important to understand that and be with that feeling of not having as much freedom. He agreed, and then said this: "Amma, I agree with you. I have to be able to hear a 'no'...I know I cannot get everything I want. I know that appa should not simply buy everything that I want. He must be able to say no. I will be okay finally to hear that, even if it may be tough at that time. I will tell him that when he comes back."

And I smiled and wondered as to who was teaching who about freedom :)

The Caterpillar

We found a caterpillar this morning while I was washing the cluster beans I had bought yesterday. Raghav wanted to make him a home and so moved him to a pot in our balcony, which houses the green chilli plants. :)
I am loving the running commentary that he has been giving me ever since :)
"I wonder if he will like the chilli plant....what if he eats the chilli by mistake because it is green, and finds out that it is too spicy?!"
"I love the way he moves in waves.....that is so cool to watch!"
"And he can suddenly be so still! I can't do that!"
"The nice thing about being a caterpillar is that you have so many legs....and when you want to explore around you, you can stand on a few legs, lift off your body from the floor without losing your balance and explore as much as you feel like!"
"I like the way he just burrowed into the soil....maybe he will make friends with the ants. I wonder how he will breathe underground?"

Don't go by looks!

I knew from the way he asked me a question this morning, that things were juicing up for a rich, sweet conversation :)
"Amma, do you remember the day when I had only 'vadaams' the whole day, and you even called up appa and told him how worried you were because you did not know what to do because I was not wanting to eat anything else?"
(For those who don't know, 'vadaams' are like rice pappads, which I often just roast and give it to Raghav as a snack)
"No, I don't remember that at all", I told him, smiling to myself and thinking about what a long, beautiful journey it has been through these years and the rich landscape we have all traversed through it all.

"Have you written about in in your blog?", he added.
I shook my head.
"Well then I think you should.....and also about how I started eating other fruits which I never used to," he prodded.
I smiled and listened on.

"It is too late to have breakfast today....I think I will skip breakfast", he added, looking at the clock.
Oh yeah, things have changed so much! From a time when he hated looking at the clock for anything, he now has his own ways of following it :)
"Shall I make some fruit salad for you?", I asked.
"Yes, I love that now....I love almost all the fruits....I can even eat papaya plain if you cut it up and give it to me....I am now okay with that," he said.
"But how did you suddenly start liking all these fruits? Do you remember how some years ago, you stopped eating many fruits that you used to eat before? And then suddenly some weeks ago, after never tasting pomegranate before, you suddenly wanted to taste it! How did that happen?," I asked.
 
"Yes, I remember...I don't know why I stopped eating them.....but I know how I started again....do you remember the day when you made 'noughts and crosses' pizza in a different way by mistake and I refused to eat it because of the way it looked.....and then you asked me to try it out even if it looked different....and see for myself if it tasted the same? In the beginning I was angry that it was not the way I wanted it to be.....but then later I decided on my own not to go by the way it looked....and so I tried it....and then I realised that it tasted the same! Right from that day, I knew that I should not go by looks but by the taste," he said.
 
And I smiled. I knew I was speaking to a little person who had to live his truth. I remember how many times I had told him the very same thing - to not go by looks. But I didn't know then that it had to emerge from within him. I also know as I share this, that knowing and understanding this in this instance, does not mean that he will apply it to many other things in his life. To feel that he has to, is my opinion. And I am clear that I don't want to force my opinions on him. That too has to emerge in its own time from within. And all I can do is to wait and watch that beautiful unfolding to happen, if it does, and whatever that is, on its own.

Anger, Forgiveness and Compassion

A few days ago, Raghav asked me what compassion meant, and I told him how I didn't know and was still figuring it out for myself. That word has been on my mind ever since, flitting in and out like a butterfly, as I watched it come and go. And I was reminded of a beautiful para that I read a few days ago, on the website of a learning space, that stayed with me just like this little 'butterfly-word' - 'compassion'. :)

"A child sees a butterfly sitting on a leaf for the first time in her life. Her own thinking powers are being exercised at a pace comfortable to her. She is absorbing the shape, the colours, the patterns on the wings and so many more things that we cannot even imagine any more, as conditioned adults. The child is thoroughly fascinated by the butterfly. The next time she sees another butterfly she notices the same things and, perhaps, a few more new things. She might notice that this creature is so much like the one she saw some days ago. She might notice that this, too, has the same pattern on its two wings, yet it is a different pattern to the one on her last butterfly, and so on… Over time she sees more of these creatures. She continues to make her own observations, comparisons, and she begins to draw certain conclusions.

This is a deeply satisfying experience for every learner. We, as adults, need to be careful that we do not deny children these very valuable experiences and, thereby, limit their perspectives as our own have been limited by teachers who taught us too many facts too soon in our lives."

And I was quietly happy that I did not interfere with his own learning process by feeding him ideas of what I thought 'compassion' was, which would have anyways been only second-hand knowledge. I also for the first time realised perhaps that there was probably something happening inside him, which he could also not perhaps express in words, and I saw how I was happy to stay with that experience of not knowing, and enjoy the deepening mystery of my own and his inner world.

Sometime ago, we had one of Raghav's friends over for the day, for a play date. Raghav has a few deep friendships and this was one of them. It has been beautiful for me to watch the unfolding of these relationships, and the understanding that has deepened in both over time. So yes, these two were having great fun playing with each other after a long time, until of course they were having a squabble.

I was busy doing something, when I heard a few screams from the bedroom, where they were playing 'hot' and 'cold'. It is a game where each one takes turns to hide an object, and gives the other the word clues - 'hot' and 'cold' to figure out whether one is near the hidden object or far away from it. I went in to see that Raghav was flat on his stomach on the bed, and his friend was pulling him holding on to his legs, and dragging him across the bed. I thought Raghav was screaming helplessly and asked his friend to stop what he was doing. Raghav then told me that he didn't like what his friend was doing to him, but felt powerless and could not do anything. I asked his friend why he was pulling Raghav like that. He immediately pouted his lips, his eyes welling up, took Raghav by his hands, held them tight and punched him on his hands with his fist. I stopped him by grabbing hold of his hand, and told him sternly that he could not do that. I also told him :"You seem to be very angry and it seems like you really want to show your anger. But you cannot hurt another to show your anger. Please use your words to tell him how angry you are."

He stopped what he was doing and told me how he was feeling."Raghav hid it in a very difficult place. It was too difficult. I could not find it all. That is why I am angry," he said. My heart went out to him. I was torn between my son and his friend. I could see how the anger was making my son feel powerless, and I could see how his friend was so angry, and how I could not find a safe container for that anger, simply because I was not okay with it deep inside and wanted it to go away or change. I waited until Raghav was ready to express to his friend how he was feeling because of this behaviour. And then, we all decided to step aside from each other for a while and cool off a bit.

Later, I was telling both of them how I felt that they seemed to have a lot of energy that was perhaps coming out as anger, and asked if they would like to go down and use up that energy by playing in the park. Raghav did not want to go. "Well, both you seem to be getting irritated and angry very quickly now, and I am worried if I will be able to handle it again. It has been too much for me today to deal with this anger that has been coming up again and again," I shared with the two boys. Immediately, his friend said that if it was a problem for me, then he would do push-ups now and expend his energy. I was amused and touched by his care and concern. "It is my problem, not yours. I am finding it difficult to handle the anger. You don't have to do anything. I have to figure it out for myself," I told him. I really wanted to make space inside to hold this anger, but also felt helpless that I couldn't. They of course got back to playing with each other again quite soon, as if nothing had happened. And I was sure I did not want to give my son a lecture on bullying and violence or compassion and forgiveness. I wanted him to form his own ideas about them. Perhaps then, he would not hold on too tightly to them or use them as a filter through which he could see the world. Perhaps then he would know how to listen to and watch and learn from the 'butterflies'.

The following day, I asked Raghav if he had felt like hitting his friend back when he had punched him. I guess I was wondering if there were other possibilities....other ways of seeing and dealing with what had happened. And this is what my son said: "No....I didn't feel like hitting him. I don't think I will ever hit him, even if I am angry and even if he does it again. I just don't feel like doing that. I don't know why."

And there were those words, flitting around like little butterflies inside my head again....'anger', 'forgiveness', 'compassion'...maybe some day I will be able to notice the intricate patterns and the ethereal beauty of these 'butterflies', when I am still and they come and sit with me on my drooping shoulder and whisper their secrets in my ears.....

Seeing Reality Through The Eyes of a Child

There were some questions bubbling inside me, which I wanted to ask and share with Raghav today, just to find out his perspective, and open my eyes out to other ways of seeing.

I was talking to him about the earthquake in Nepal and how many people had died and how many things were simply just rubble now. And then, I asked him what he felt about it, and what he had to say. Here is what he said:

"Yes, it is sad that so many people died and so much was destroyed. It is weird that so many earthquakes happen here in India. But earthquakes have to happen. That is what makes the Himalayas grow. That is what helps reshape the land. So if you look at the Himalayas maybe a few hundred years later, it would look very different. It would have changed. Things will probably change a lot near the area where the two plates meet, but maybe not so much far away from it."

The other question I had in mind was this:
"The other day you wanted to go with Armaan out to eat lunch. If I had told you then, that there are so many children and people who are so poor that they don't have even one little meal to eat in one day, what would you have done? Would you still want to go? What or how do you think you would have felt or thought?"

Here is what he said:

"I would have still gone, because I love eating out. Yes there are people like that who are poor and don't have food, but they can get money somehow."

Me: "How can they get money when they are poor?"

R: "Well, they can perhaps find some work to do or beg...."

Me: "Would you want them to beg?"

R: "Yes, that is one way..... like at the traffic signal we see so many people who do that,
and only because there are people who beg, are there people who can be kind and give them money. Some people may not give them money, but some people might. But there might also be people who dress up like beggars, even when they already have a lot of money, because they are greedy and want more. You will never know no? Do you think there might be people like that?"

Me: "Maybe. I don't know. But how did you think of this?"

R: "Well, that's just something I thought of....that's my opinion."

This conversation stirred up something inside and left me exposed and vulnerable. I saw how deeply entrenched I was in ideas and concepts about poverty and begging and kindness and compassion and right and wrong. I sat with those thoughts and feelings until I felt ready inside to share this with the world. It wasn't easy for me as a mother to listen to this from my child. It wasn't easy because I realised what 'fixed' notions I had about these things and so I was seeing my child through that filter. What he said, threw away that filter from before my eyes, and then I was in a space, with more spaciousness and freedom, to share this vulnerably.

Today, I am happy that when he asked me a few days ago, I couldn't answer his question "what is compassion?", and was able to tell him that I simply didn't know yet and that I too was wanting to find that out. And that I didn't feed him with someone else's idea of what that was. 
Today, I am happy that in spite of all the 'wrongs' we did with him, there was something larger than all of that which had a 'rightness' to it. 
Today, I am happy to have set him free, as I set myself free yet again from this tethered world.

So how would you see my son and his words right now?
Would you see this as an expression of 'insensitivity', 'compassion', 'ignorance', 'arrogance', 'immaturity', 'maturity', 'humility' or 'loving what is'?
Would you be able to watch yourself and your feelings and thoughts, as those words came and 'pierced' or 'rested' in your being?
And would you open yourself up to sharing those with me?

Mistakes - that's how we learn what we already know

Yesterday, I was continuing the conversation I had had with Raghav the other day, about how babies learn. He had mentioned how he thought that babies learned from their mistakes, and not so much from their successes. Here was the conversation that ensued....

Me: So what do you think 'mistakes' are? When and why would you call or think of something as a mistake?

R: I think a mistake is when you do something which you think is not right.

Me: Ok. So when you think that something is not right, that means that you know or have an idea of what IS right no?

R: Yeah. You know what is right. So when you make a mistake you know that it is not right.

Me: Ok. So what is this 'right' that you are talking about? What makes you feel that something is right? Can you give me an example? Like say writing.....you get very angry, frustrated or irritated when you try and write something....and you start screaming saying that that's not the way you wanted it to look, or that that is not right.

R: Yes. It is how I feel about something, or what I think about something. That it should be or look a certain way.

Me: So that is an 'opinion' right? Your opinion of how something should be or not be? Or is it that someone else told you that this is how it should look?

R: Yeah.

Me: Ok (writing the alphabet L cursive) See, what alphabet does this look like?

R: I don't know.

Me: It is an 'L' to me.

R: That does not look like an 'L' to me. (and then writes an 'L' for me like the turned handle of an umbrella) This is what 'L' is.

Me: But that looks like a half written 'U' or a 'C' to me. So see, the same thing looks different to both of us. What would happen if a person who did not know English at all came and saw this?

R: Yes. When I think of 'L', I think of it like this. He would probably not even know that it is an 'L'!

Me: So when you get irritated or upset when you are writing 'L', is it because you know what it should look like to you, but it does not come out that way when you write? And so you call it a mistake?

R: Yes. A mistake is when you do something that you didn't mean to do.

Me: Does that mean that you make a mistake when you are not thinking, or that it was something like an accident?

R: Yes.

Me: So how would you explain how babies learn by making mistakes?

R: Because they learn by trial and error. They explore things around them, make mistakes and learn.

Me: So when you said that babies learn through making mistakes, are you saying that they know what is a mistake? And if they know what is wrong, then that would mean that they already know what is right, isn't it? How do you think they would know that?

R:  I think they learn through trial and error. Like they learn to walk by first crawling around and then sitting up and then trying to stand up and then they fall down and they stand up and fall down....so many times, before they get it right....I think they already know what walking is, and when they see their appa and amma walking around, then maybe they try to do the same thing until they get it right.

Me: Ok. So how would they learn how to speak in the same way through mistakes?

R: I think as soon as they are born, they hear all the sounds around them.....they hear people talking and all....and all those sounds go in through their ears. But in the beginning, they can't make those sounds, even though they know what they are. Then they keep trying and trying until they finally get it right.

Me: So you are saying that they keep trying till they match the sound that they make with what they have already heard or know?

R: Yes. Something like that. That is what I think.

Me: Ok. So what you call a 'mistake' is an attempt to get this 'matching' right?

R: Yes.

Me: So you are saying that they learn by 'seeing' or 'hearing'. But then what would happen to babies who are blind or deaf? How would they learn?

R: They are not born deaf and blind no? It happens later sometime to them?

Me: No, blindness and deafness can occur at birth. They can be born with that.

R: Oh! Then that would make it more complicated. But they can still learn. But I don't know how.

And then today, my sister called on skype in the afternoon. To me, it seemed like Life's way of completing this part of the conversation, and validating his thoughts in a way. Because my sister told him similar things!

I was telling him how his little brother was now making so many sounds and babbling. "Oh my! A can now make sounds to get her attention? And to ask for things that he wants?", he had said to me just a little before she called.

Raghav was all excited to see his little brother making sounds and babbling away. "He is talking so much!", he said, absolutely fascinated with what he was seeing and hearing.

"Yes, I heard what you had said about how babies learn. I think you are right you know... A learns by trial and error, by making mistakes all the time. Like now, he is crawling all over the place....yesterday he tried to go under the table, and bumped himself, and then kept trying and trying," my sister said to him.

So yes, my son gave me a few insights into what he thought was learning, and how we learn. Things that in a way flipped what I had learned about child development on its head, where the emphasis seemed to be more on success or a 'positive response' to what a baby did that facilitated learning, rather than a baby's 'failed' attempts to match or ratify what he already knew.

This conversation left me with so many questions and thoughts....and a heart that was opened a little more to love....a love for Life and its beautiful ways of bringing precious messages to us, time and again.

Perhaps 'mistakes' are how we learn what we already know.

When and how does learning happen?

More than a year ago (may even be more), Raghav came up with this desire of wanting to share what he had gleaned and learned about the planets, the solar system, and the earth, with his friends and other interested adults (age no bar!), in the form of a talk. We discussed many ideas and he finally decided that he wanted to do a PowerPoint presentation with pictures, videos etc. included in it, besides some other things like a model etc.

I was very excited with the idea, and realised quite soon that the reason for my excitement was also because my mind finally had something to do! Yes, it loved organising and planning and would have so much to do while helping him build and create his talk! :) Unfortunately, the excitement was short-lived. :(

Well, I remember how I was telling him how it was important to decide on a time and place for the talk and get down to working on the presentation, maybe doing a little bit everyday. While he agreed to all that, I also remember what he said to me that day.....something which I had never thought of in this way, despite having made and having listened to so many presentations before!

He asked me how he could or would be able to include all the things that he would have learned in the 'in-between' time.....i.e. between the time he had finished creating the presentation and the time when he was actually standing there and sharing it all with his friends. What would happen to the learning in between and even as he was sharing with the others? How would he be able to share all of that, if he just went by his presentation and that predetermined content? That was his question, asked of course in his own simple words.

And I realised then how and when learning happens, and how so many of the tools that we use with the pretext of aiding learning or evaluating it, actually aim to 'freeze' learning in space and time....when in reality, learning is dynamic and is flowing all the time....and is uncontrollable, often intangible, unquantifiable and unstoppable...

And by the way, just to share this with all of you, he is still planning and still hasn't 'given' that talk:)

How Do Babies Learn?

Ever since my sister and her family left a few months ago, after a few weeks of being here with us, Raghav has had this fascination for babies and how they learn. For the first time, he showed a keen interest in babies, read up a little before they arrived, and absolutely enjoyed playing with his three month old little brother while he was here. And after that, off and on, he has been talking about baby-related stuff and expressing a desire to visit them soon.

Yesterday, while driving back home, he once again told me how he was waiting to see A and how excited he was to know that he was now crawling around. What followed was yet another interesting conversation about babies.....

R: " I can't wait to see A.....he must have grown so much already.....he must be now moving around on his own....what fun! I can't wait for him to start speaking! When do babies speak? When they are about one year old no?....I can't wait to hear his voice! I wonder what it will sound like!"

I must say that I have also had a fascination for babies and how they learn, but I have never thought about hearing what their 'voice would sound like'! What he said reflected pure, child-like wonder that is so beautiful in its simplicity.

And then out popped this question from him:
"How do babies learn? Does it all come from their genes? How do they babble and then speak? How do they learn that?"

Me: "I think it is partly to do with genes, and partly to do with the environment. They start with exploring their bodies, their tongue, mouth etc. and then the people around them respond to that, give meaning to that, which affects what the baby does the next time, and the next and so on. How do you think they learn?"

R: "I think they learn by making mistakes. They explore their environment and while exploring, they make mistakes, and that tells them what to do or not to do the next time. Like for example, if a baby crawls around and bumps into a chair or a wall, then by bumping his head and getting hurt, he comes to know that if he crawls like that, he will get hurt, or that it will make him feel that way inside....so the next time he will be careful, or change the way he moves...or he learns that he should not do something."

Me: "So you feel that mistakes are important, because they help us learn?"

R: "Yes."

Me (smiling): "Then why is it that you get so upset when you make a mistake? Like when you try and write something and it does not come out the way you want it to.....why do you get upset? Isn't that how you will also learn?"

R (smiling): "Yes....I don't know....maybe it's because with babies it is different...and when you become big like I am, it's different...."

And he went on to talk about a video he had recently watched, which spoke about the speed with which our brains react to something from outside.... :)

The Day Lisa Came Home.....With a Little Doggy Love....

For his birthday, many years ago, my parents thought Raghav would love to have a puppy and got him a little dachshund. But he didn't want her. He was too scared then of dogs, and would run away or climb onto a chair or bed and not get off at all. And so we had to decline that beautiful gift. Tanya is now growing up and being cared for in my parents' house. Whenever Raghav goes there, he wants her to be kept away, as she barks a lot, and Raghav doesn't like dogs that bark a lot and loudly.

But over the years, without much interaction with dogs, his fear has reduced in intensity. There are some dogs he loves more than others (the quiet ones) and can tolerate the others. A visit to my friend and fellow unschooler's house in Pune two years ago, was instrumental in helping him understand and start liking dogs. She had a mongrel, who was mostly quiet and Raghav loved spending time watching and playing with her a bit. She was the 'ice-breaker'. :)

Many a time after that, he has asked us if we could have a dog at home. We were not too comfortable with the idea as we travel quite often and also living in a flat where not everyone is open to allowing and having dogs, was another reason for us to veto the idea in its seed. We spoke a lot about it. We shared our experiences with our mongrel - Trampy - who adopted us soon after we got married. We loved him like our own baby. But both of us used to work and had to leave him either inside the house, locked up, or outside within a protected/fenced area, until we came back home in the evening. Both were unpleasant experiences for us and for our little dog, with him getting upset and angry due to a lack of freedom, and also being hit with stones by some unruly, callous neighbours, who disliked his barking during the day.

That forced us to take him and leave him every day at my parents' place, which we treated like a day care :). He used to happily plonk himself on the petrol tank of our bike every morning, when we lugged him with his bag of food, bowl, etc. to my mom's place, where we dropped him off on our way to work and then picked up in the evening. Initially he was fine, but later, we felt that he did not like this arrangement. Perhaps it was too stressful for him - the travel back and forth. So we spoke to him and to my parents, and left him with them, to be taken care of there. And we used to keep going and visiting him every few days.

I don't know if he ever understood why we did that. Perhaps he didn't. Because he never smiled after that. He lost his bubbly spirit. There was a sadness in his eyes. He was never the same after that. And we didn't know what to do. I have never felt so much guilt for bringing up and taking care of an animal, as much as I did then for dear Trampy. I never could forgive myself for what I did with him....that I couldn't take care of him like I so wanted to. And I decided then that I would never again have a dog. Not because I didn't love them. But because I loved them too much. Too much to leave them under anyone else's care. Because I would never know for sure how they were feeling.

And Raghav understood when we shared our feelings with him. He never again asked us about having a dog. I don't know if we did the right thing by denying him what he wanted. But I know that we did the right thing by sharing our feelings of guilt, helplessness and sadness with him honestly and vulnerably. I know that we said 'no' to him with a heavy heart, because we told him that. And I know that he understood.

So yesterday, when we were coming back home after cycling, we saw our neighbour in the lift, with his little pug. Raghav absolutely adored her and crouched down to pet her and look into her eyes. I started chatting with him, asking him what he did with her while he went away to work everyday. He smiled and shared how she had a little community of young people - his friends - who took care of her in turns, while he was away or busy. It was such a lovely arrangement!

When we got back home, Raghav who had probably overheard the conversation I had had with my neighbour, asked if he could also take care of her in turns like the others. I smiled, and instantly realised how Life was showing us a way of fulfilling his needs :) I told him how I thought that was a great idea, and asked if he wanted to go and talk to our neighbour. He wanted to do it right away. And so he went and rang the doorbell of the flat opposite ours, where this person stayed along with his friends, bombarding him with questions! What to feed her and when, how and when she goes to the loo, how she likes to play, whether she barks and so on. He patiently answered all his questions, and agreed to having him babysit her once a week to start with, for a few hours. He also warned him that she was teething as she was just 3 months old, and that we had to be careful with things around the house! We decided to start today :)

Raghav woke up this morning asking me if I had put things away. When he found out that I hadn't he went around the house, checking and telling me all the things that were at her height, which had to be put away! And then we looked through some of his old stuff and thought of things/toys to give her to chew on and play with....an old tennis ball, a wooden spoon, a rope and a belt for tug of war and a cardboard roll to chew on or play with. It was great fun organizing the space with him for the little visitor!

So this evening, Lisa came home....with a little doggy love!!!:) Yeah, and we had so much fun! And I guess she did too! Her favourite place was the beanbag, which happens to be Raghav's favourite place too!! And she usurped it with full rights! :) What a beautiful evening filled with doggy smells, smiles, laughter, non-stop fun, bubbling energy and so much love.....so grateful to Life for showing us a beautiful way to fulfill our needs...

When I run after what I think I want, my days are a furnace of stress and anxiety.... 

If I sit in my own place of patience, what I need flows to me, and without any pain. 

 - Rumi

What's Minecraft got to do with Writing and History?

What's Minecraft got to do with writing and history??
Well, what's Minecraft not got to do with something, would be a better question to ask I think!

Yesterday, Raghav called me to show all his new updates in his world in Minecraft - a regular feature that happens every day, or every other day. And I was surprised to see what he had created and his new interest in 'writing'. For a child whose dislike for school started with being forced to write any more than he wanted to, and more so when it started eating into his play time, to have come this far today, is an achievement that fills me with joy and gratitude for Life, who showed me the path that I needed to take with him.

Here is what he shared with me, as part of the many other things that he had created yesterday.....
It is a conversation that he has recorded by typing it all out in his 'KEEP IN TOUCH BOOK' in his Minecraft world, between him (denoted by 'r') and the 'Red Village Leader' (denoted by 'rvl'), about some events that transpired yesterday in the world! It's truly amazing the things one can do and create with Minecraft, which I have myself been watching and learning only of late, from and with him. I can see now how for him, it is like an artist's palette and canvas, where so many worlds are created inside worlds....

The 'Keep in Touch' book is his own idea for a name

the conversation between him and the village leader

A little note I found by his computer, which I think are his 'notes' of coordinates to the village in his Mesa World :)

What amazed me was his new interest in writing, which was one of the sore points many years ago, for his wanting to quit school. He stopped writing then, except for special occasions like people's birthdays when he would make a card or something for them, or when he would help me occasionally with my shopping list, or when he wanted to make labels for things he had built with Lego. We never forced him to write at all, nor did we even ask about or mention writing with him after he quit school. We simply let it go. And this is the first time he has written so much in all these years!

Here is the conversation between me and him when I saw what he had written....

R: This is a conversation between me and the Red Village Leader about things that happened in my Mesa World today.
Me: Ok. How long did you take to type all this?
R: About five minutes I think.
M: How did you get this idea to put it down like a conversation? I love it! Did you happen to read my blog sometime or happen to watch me type out our conversations on the blog? Because I have used the same idea!
R: I knew you would love this! No, I haven't seen that....I didn't get the idea from you...I thought of it on my own.....but it is funny that we thought of the same thing!
Me: So why did you want to do this?
R: I wanted to record what happened somewhere....the catastrophe which happened! So I decided to write it down in my 'Keep in Touch' Book. And this is not only about writing it all down. It is about history too....about things which happened in a particular order in a place.
Me (smiling): Ok....So, are you also your own best friend?
R (smiling back) :Yes.....kind of!

I smiled and hugged him. I told him how much I loved this idea and the execution. And I quietly wondered how he had  figured out on his own, what 'history' actually meant to him! Watching my son learn gives me a real high :)

I remembered how frustrated he used to get with writing even on those few occasions, when the letters would not turn out the way he wanted them to look.....he wanted them to be perfect.....he hated making a mistake and rubbing it off or striking it out. He would just scream, get up and walk away from it and never come back to it. I also remembered how he had told me once about how the teachers at school expected them to know spellings of words without having taught them, or without them having enough opportunity to have seen those words. "How can they expect us to know the spellings that they haven't taught us? How can they expect every letter, every time, to be perfect?", he would ask. And I would listen in silence.

Today I am happy that he is enjoying writing in his own way. I am happy that he has figured it out on his own - the spellings, punctuation, spacing, formatting and expressing his creativity in his own way. I am most happy that I don't know how he learned all this. I am most happy that Life did not let me into this secret! Oh, what joy it is to experience this today! :) I am filled with gratitude for Life, who has shown me yet again in her own way, that we are on the path that was meant for us to take.....

So yes, this is not 'writing' if one is looking at the traditional idea of writing as what one does with a pen and paper. But this is perhaps what 'writing' is today.....in a world where technology reigns.....
For some of us who perhaps don't want to change with the times, it perhaps rules the mind, bringing up many fears about our future - the fear of loss of years of culture and civilization and beauty......but for some who seem to be 'in tune' with the changing world, I wonder if it perhaps becomes the palette of a spirit that knows not only how to survive, but also how to dream and thrive and look for beauty in new ways.

A Minecraft Birthday Wish!

Raghav eats, breathes, drinks Minecraft these days.....and here is what he created for his little cousin brother's birthday today....a Minecraft Birthday wish and some builds of a rocket launch centre, especially for his little brother who loves rockets! :)

While I stand stunned everyday, watching the possibilities that this one game opens up for my son!

Watch this little movie to see what he created....

Happy Birthday

Two Seeing Eyes = Two Views or One Truth?

Yesterday, Raghav was as usual sitting in his tub of water after his morning bath. That is where he spends some time 'contemplating' and gets his inspiration and 'insights' :)

He grumbled a little bit about how some water went suddenly into his eye. A few minutes later, he came up with this:

"Amma, do you know that if you close one eye, and look at something in front of you with the other eye, you see one image, and if you do the same thing with the other eye, you see another image of the same thing, and that has slightly moved? It is an optical illusion because that thing hasn't really moved. And then, when you open both your eyes and look at the same thing, you see only one image. So I think, each eye sees a different view, a different image, which is then made into one image in the brain."

"How did you figure this out?" I asked, quite stunned at the way in which he described it to me!

"Oh, there is this water that went into my eye suddenly, and I had to close one eye as I could not see with it. And then I was looking at the space between my knees with one eye and then the other, and I discovered this," he said quite nonchalantly.

Some inspiration, just a tub of water can provide! :)

And I wondered to myself - 'Is that why perhaps multiple views on an issue are actually a gift? To make us see that there are actually not 'many views', but just 'one truth'? To see that it is through separation that we can experience the oneness that we all seek or have forgotten?

Well, I guess each of us has our own lessons to learn from every little thing that we experience. This has also been one of the learnings for me today.

On Anger

This morning, my husband got a call from someone in his Madurai office, which made him retort in extreme anger. His voice became louder, his tone increased in harshness and he was simply screaming over the phone at the other person.

At the same time, while I was busy with my household chores, Raghav was talking to me about his explorations and adventures in Minecraft from yesterday. I was trying hard to concentrate and listen fully to him talking, but I couldn't. My husband's screaming was the only thing resonating inside and everything else seemed to simply shut down. So I told Raghav how I was feeling and asked him to wait until his father calmed down to continue his conversation. This happened a couple of times. The last time, he got a little irritated as he desperately wanted to finish sharing what he was thinking about.

Then, he went to the dining table, took out a pen and a piece of paper and wrote out something that he went and gave to his dad. A little later, my husband's voice softened and he stopped screaming. Later, when I asked Raghav what he had given his dad, he brought out the piece of paper and showed it to me....

 

And then we spoke some more...

Me: What do you think we can do when we feel so much anger?

R: I don't know. But maybe not show it out like this.....because when you get angry and scream, the other person gets angry, and then you get a little more angry, and the other person gets a little more angry, and then it never stops.

Profound but simple words that tell me how much he has observed and thought about without maybe even being conscious about it. Or maybe he already knows. I don't know. And I also know how tough it is for him to remember this when he himself gets angry :) But I quietly told myself that I could use this to remind him :)

But this is a huge learning for me about anger, how to deal with it, and about my son. The fact that he could see the 'pattern' that we get into because of anger, the fact that he chose a beautiful, non-intrusive way to tell his dad what he felt by writing it out instead of telling him orally, the fact that he actually wrote it all out (because writing is something he doesn't care about at all) are all beautiful things that I would love to stay with today. I love these little gifts that Life brings me day after every wonderful day!

Free to Be Myself

I am realising more and more each day that when I free myself, I free my son....or rather, when I feel free to be myself, I free my son to be himself too. Of late, all the things that have been happening in my life, only seem to be sending me this message : 'Say yes to yourself and life!' 

And so, I have been saying more 'yeses' to myself and to Life. To me, saying 'yes' is about opening up to the flow of Life.....to trust myself and Life and her ways....and that can happen only when I am comfortable with everything that I feel I am now. To know that everything in me is valuable and there for a reason. To look at myself with keen eyes, and be aware of all that's being revealed - all my feelings, judgements, failings, fears, all of it. And to free myself to 'be' like this, has been a challenging yet enriching little journey of a few weeks.

There has been a huge shift within me of late, and I am learning slowly to love more parts of myself, and so feeling more at ease with myself.....and I am somehow feeling that this is in some way being transmitted to my son too. I don't know how though. But how he is responding now to things and situations that have come up earlier, seem to be telling me just that.

About ten days ago, I attended a talk on de-schooling, which raked up some old and new questions related to community and what it means to me now. I wrote down some of those thoughts and questions, which I want to share in this post, as it seems so connected and relevant here:

Community is the ecosystem that helps me not only survive but also thrive.

And to know that what I feel is 'my community' today exists and thrives only because of all the communities that I am not a physical part of or feel I don't 'belong' to.

I feel a true sense of community only where I feel that I can 'belong' to myself....first.

Is any kind of family a community? Or is it something larger?
Do we have to define community in a particular way?
By defining what it is or not, are we narrowing our choices down, and limiting our possibilities?
What would community mean to an ant, a tusker, a polar bear, a bird?
What would community mean to a person with autism or certain sensitivities?
Is our need for community based on a deep fear of survival or a need for sharing and learning and loving?
What is it that a community gives me that I cannot find in or give to myself?
Is the community fulfilling a need in me that is rooted in a fear of something? 
Or is it a space where I simply give without expecting anything in return for what I have to offer?

My community until today has been in many ways just my family - me, my husband, Raghav, his grandparents and my sister and her family. These are the people I interact with the most or most often, and who I know will be there for me, no matter what. Of course there are some friends who I look up to as family (or more) in this way, but those interactions are mostly online. Even the homeschooling community I interact with is mostly online. So when people speak about community, all those questions come up, because somewhere I feel that their definition and reality is different from mine, and wonder if the 'community' that they speak of is truly inclusive, when they seem to have boxed it in with a definition that doesn't seem to really change or evolve.

For a large part of our unschooling journey, we have been by ourselves, with no real community of like-minded people around us for support or sharing learning or simply doing things together. Yes, there have been and are supportive neighbours and friends, and that was perhaps all that we needed. Raghav needed a safe nest - home - where he could rest his tired, battered soul perhaps (after his difficult years at school), where he could find himself again, and where he could love himself completely. And because that was what he needed to feel safe, we re-evaluated our needs, and put some of them on the back burner. We stopped calling people over, we stopped socializing with friends and family, we stopped going out except when we really needed to. They were some of the most challenging years, because it meant letting go of many of our needs and sticking very much to the four walls of our house, for days and months on end, with every outing becoming an ordeal, with an argument before almost every outing and extreme tiredness after each, with each outing stretching to hours, simply because Raghav would take forever to just get ready and move!

There were so many days when I felt I was going crazy. I felt lonely, completely disconnected, depressed, angry and even wondered if I had made the right choice in choosing unschooling. So many times we used force to get the simplest of things done - like going shopping, paying bills etc., and every time, it left us all with a bad after taste and so much negative energy. But we had to just stay with it all. Some of those things had to be done. There was no other way that we knew of. That was our path. Painful, thorny, but our own unique one, the gifts of which we are opening only today.

Every time someone spoke about 'community' and 'togetherness' and 'belonging', I cringed, I hurt, and felt like an outcast. Every time someone spoke of 'solitude' and 'aloneness' I felt good, because that was what I could resonate with. That was my reality because of the choices I had made. This whole idea of community (the way most people seemed to see it) seemed like an unreachable place for me....an Eden I could only dream of, if at all, but never be a part of. We had made an effort to be a part of different communities, but somehow never felt comfortable, because Raghav was rarely comfortable. And so then, we gave up making that effort. We then gave in to Life and her ways and found peace in that. We made our own little cozy nest, filling it with all the space that each of us needed to get more comfortable in our own skins.

There were many friends and family who told me and reminded me, that I had to make that effort, that I had to look after my needs, that I had to feel fulfilled if my son had to feel good about himself. So many words of advice, all well-meaning, but completely useless for me. For that path was not my path, not our path, at least then. I knew this deep down, but had no way of expressing it to anyone, including my own family. I guess people must have thought us to be the weirdest family around for digging up and getting into our own little rabbit hole :)

But those challenges brought us so many gifts that we would not have perhaps got otherwise. We took time to 'build' our nest, feel safe and at home in it, after years of distress and agony. We took time to understand ourselves and each other more intimately - our needs, our fears, sensitivities, etc. We saw the best and the worst versions of each other. We  learned to fight and love...to love it all! We learned what was essential to us and what was inconsequential. And much more.

And yes, we are opening some of those gifts even today. After years of being at home mostly and not attending any gatherings or events, I was telling Raghav about two events that were coming up this month - one was a talk that I wanted to attend at the organic store we go to every week (a place that he loves going to) and the other was a homeschoolers' gathering. I was quite surprised when Raghav agreed instantly to attend both! And what shocked me even more was that he on his own told me that he would go without his iPad!

So yes, we went for the talk on 'Transition Towns'. He sat in a corner and read the books he had carried with him, while I sat and listened to the talk. We were there for more than an hour, which was an achievement in itself for the first time. His feeling comfortable was infectious, or was it the other way around ? :) I wonder if I will ever know. But yes, for the first time, I was completely at ease too - inside, outside and with him in tow.

It was such a fulfilling little journey that I had been on with my son, the seeds of which were sown so many years ago, when we (my husband and I) decided to give him the space he needed to blossom and value his choices and needs, as they impacted our lives, as much as they impacted his.

A week later, was the second event - a local homeschoolers' gathering, which also he wanted to attend as much as I did. Again, he decided he would not take his iPad along. The only 'deal' we made was this - that he would tell me when he wanted to leave, and that we would leave soon after. He surprised me with many things that he did there, and I guess the surprise for me was simply because I was holding on to an image that I already had of him, based on my earlier experiences. :)

The group was already together and people were introducing themselves. Even kids joined in. I asked Raghav if he wanted to introduce himself. He nodded and watched the others. Soon after I introduced myself, he introduced himself: "I am Raghav and I am nine years old." What a huge moment that was for me! Then, as the discussion moved on to questions about homeschooling etc., he got himself a book, sat close to me and immersed himself in reading.  After a point, when he got tired of sitting in one place, he asked me to go out with him. 

We went out into the garden where some children were chatting and playing. He wanted to join in but did not know how. I supported him and made the first contact with the kids, asking them their names, what they were playing etc. Soon, he jumped in and they played 'catch' together. Then, he came up with an obstacle race, which he explained to another twelve year old boy, who became his friend for the evening. I learned so much from being with the two of them - how they listened to each other, how they saw what the other shared through their own eyes, how they disagreed with each other and took it in their stride, how they adapted the flow of the course so that both their needs were met and ideas taken and valued. 

And my role was to merely reflect one to the other! It was beautiful to be a mirror between two beautiful children! And my greatest learning from being with children off and on is the importance they give to the process rather than the outcome. Like here, it was not as important for them to get down to playing and doing the obstacle course, as it was to understand each other, listen to each other and value each others' points of view and ideas.

Then, we went back in to join the group, which was just getting into the groove of playing a small game called 'passing the clap'. It was fun! Someone started a clap, which was passed on in a circle, keeping to the rhythm and tempo, and then the clap was passed randomly to anyone in the circle. Raghav wanted to join in and made an effort to understand and play it. He was one of the few kids who joined in with the adults. And it was funny to see how every time it came to him, the tempo would change and slow down! :) There were calls to keep to the tempo, but it wouldn't work when it came to him! :) Perhaps that's why we have kids in our midst....to slow us down, to not take things for granted, to not get swept away by the crowd, to stay present and grounded and continue to be ourselves.....to be a part, and yet stand apart.....that for me is also what 'inclusion' is all about.

Soon, he wanted to leave, and I kept my promise by not tarrying to catch people's attention and say bye. We just got up and left, waving to the person who looked up at us. It was so beautiful and not contrived... and made me feel so much at ease. I hope the others felt the same way too, and if they didn't I hope they understood why we did that. And if they didn't understand still, well, that's just too bad! :)

As usual, on the way back, we got talking and I asked Raghav how he felt about being there.
"I loved being there....I made a new friend....I joined in the games...I liked those," he said.
"Why did you choose to come this time? Was it because I told you how much I wanted to go and you did not want me to feel bad?," I asked, sharing everything that was bubbling up inside.
"No....it was not because of that. I wanted to come this time. I myself felt that I was getting too much into the iPad and staying at home, and wanted to do something about it. That's why I came. That's why I didn't want to bring my iPad along," he added. 
I smiled quietly, enjoying the nakedness that was being displayed. There was no question of being 'honest' or 'open', because there was simply no other way to be for him. He was simply being himself.
"So what made you want to do this today, which you did not want to do earlier?" I prodded on.
"I am just more comfortable being myself...." was his prompt reply.

That said it all. Yes, the same was true for me. I was also more comfortable being myself....and yes, it has taken me just so many more years. But I guess it pays to be late, because with Life there is really nothing like 'late' or 'early'....everything just happens in its own time, in the best possible way for each one.

Here is a FB post that I shared later about how I felt after this gathering.....it sums up all that we've been through together and the joy that we are feeling just being ourselves....

I have 'waited without waiting'  (I don't know how to explain that waiting in any other way) for so many years now, for Raghav to 'want' to come with me for some gatherings, especially when it involves meeting people....and I am today basking in the joy that comes with that waiting...two trips in one week - one to attend a talk and the other to meet up with homeschoolers....it seems too good to be true!

It truly is a gift to watch a flower blooming slowly and surely, and that's how I feel about him today....it gives me goosebumps to think that I followed my heart and listened to my son, 'knowing' deeply that he needed this time and space (years actually and looong periods of not wanting to step out of the house at all), despite all the voices around me that questioned that and also became my own voice sometimes :) 

Also remembering a dear friend's sharing of a story, and the few hours I spent at a learning space in Bangalore, called 'Bhavya', where I learned the importance of giving time and space to children....not as much as what YOU think they need, but as much as THEY think they need. Grateful for those little-big lessons that Life brought me when I most needed it.

Today, on our way back home, when I asked Raghav as to what had made him 'want' to do this, he said: "I am just more comfortable being myself....and I myself felt that I was getting too much into the iPad and wanted to do something about it.....I enjoyed myself today....I made a new friend and met so many people."

Yes, this is HUGE for him and for us.....to want to step out of the house to meet people and to be okay to not take his 'best friend' (the iPad) along...of course, we could not stay for the whole time, and of course this may not happen every single time.....but it happened today, and that is all that matters, and I share my joy with all of you...

What to do with energy?

We were just going to bed. Raghav had finished reading his book - what he usually does before getting ready to crash, while I hadn't finished mine as yet. He was full of energy - jumping on the bed, swinging pillows, sometimes crashing into me, making weird sounds and calls, and just going a bit too crazy for me to deal with after a tiring day. I told him off firmly at first, saying how I really wanted some quiet, and asked him to go elsewhere and finish all that he wanted to do, before coming back into our bedroom.

But he wouldn't stop. He wouldn't listen. He just went on and on. I felt the anger rise inside me, wanting to explode and quieten everything in one stroke. I was tired and really wanted my space. I yelled at Raghav asking him to be quiet and calm down as I needed that silence and space. He burst into tears, covered himself from head to toe and refused to talk to me. I gave him the space he needed too. I told him to let me know when he had calmed down, and that we could talk then.

A few minutes later, he called out to me and said he was now calm. Here is the conversation that followed:

Me: So do you realise how much energy you have inside that is wanting to come out?

R: Yes. It is like it is all trapped inside and has now suddenly come out.

Me: Hmm...so what do you want to do with that trapped energy? Can you think of better ways in which you can use up that energy, which won't trouble other people?

R: I could use it up by doing things with my body.....like running, jumping, dancing (which I do rarely), cycling, swimming, playing something....

Me: Yes. Can you think of any more?

R: No. That is one way of using energy. But I can also use it another way no? By calming myself down by breathing deeply?

Me: Yes. Deep breathing has helped me calm down. So you are saying that the energy does not have to flow out and be used up in some way?

R: Yes. It can be inside my body. And I can calm myself down by breathing deeply.....by taking in air through my nose and letting it out through my mouth. I can do that also.

I love the way he makes me see the same things in fresh, fun and 'different' ways! :)