The Day Lisa Came Home.....With a Little Doggy Love....

For his birthday, many years ago, my parents thought Raghav would love to have a puppy and got him a little dachshund. But he didn't want her. He was too scared then of dogs, and would run away or climb onto a chair or bed and not get off at all. And so we had to decline that beautiful gift. Tanya is now growing up and being cared for in my parents' house. Whenever Raghav goes there, he wants her to be kept away, as she barks a lot, and Raghav doesn't like dogs that bark a lot and loudly.

But over the years, without much interaction with dogs, his fear has reduced in intensity. There are some dogs he loves more than others (the quiet ones) and can tolerate the others. A visit to my friend and fellow unschooler's house in Pune two years ago, was instrumental in helping him understand and start liking dogs. She had a mongrel, who was mostly quiet and Raghav loved spending time watching and playing with her a bit. She was the 'ice-breaker'. :)

Many a time after that, he has asked us if we could have a dog at home. We were not too comfortable with the idea as we travel quite often and also living in a flat where not everyone is open to allowing and having dogs, was another reason for us to veto the idea in its seed. We spoke a lot about it. We shared our experiences with our mongrel - Trampy - who adopted us soon after we got married. We loved him like our own baby. But both of us used to work and had to leave him either inside the house, locked up, or outside within a protected/fenced area, until we came back home in the evening. Both were unpleasant experiences for us and for our little dog, with him getting upset and angry due to a lack of freedom, and also being hit with stones by some unruly, callous neighbours, who disliked his barking during the day.

That forced us to take him and leave him every day at my parents' place, which we treated like a day care :). He used to happily plonk himself on the petrol tank of our bike every morning, when we lugged him with his bag of food, bowl, etc. to my mom's place, where we dropped him off on our way to work and then picked up in the evening. Initially he was fine, but later, we felt that he did not like this arrangement. Perhaps it was too stressful for him - the travel back and forth. So we spoke to him and to my parents, and left him with them, to be taken care of there. And we used to keep going and visiting him every few days.

I don't know if he ever understood why we did that. Perhaps he didn't. Because he never smiled after that. He lost his bubbly spirit. There was a sadness in his eyes. He was never the same after that. And we didn't know what to do. I have never felt so much guilt for bringing up and taking care of an animal, as much as I did then for dear Trampy. I never could forgive myself for what I did with him....that I couldn't take care of him like I so wanted to. And I decided then that I would never again have a dog. Not because I didn't love them. But because I loved them too much. Too much to leave them under anyone else's care. Because I would never know for sure how they were feeling.

And Raghav understood when we shared our feelings with him. He never again asked us about having a dog. I don't know if we did the right thing by denying him what he wanted. But I know that we did the right thing by sharing our feelings of guilt, helplessness and sadness with him honestly and vulnerably. I know that we said 'no' to him with a heavy heart, because we told him that. And I know that he understood.

So yesterday, when we were coming back home after cycling, we saw our neighbour in the lift, with his little pug. Raghav absolutely adored her and crouched down to pet her and look into her eyes. I started chatting with him, asking him what he did with her while he went away to work everyday. He smiled and shared how she had a little community of young people - his friends - who took care of her in turns, while he was away or busy. It was such a lovely arrangement!

When we got back home, Raghav who had probably overheard the conversation I had had with my neighbour, asked if he could also take care of her in turns like the others. I smiled, and instantly realised how Life was showing us a way of fulfilling his needs :) I told him how I thought that was a great idea, and asked if he wanted to go and talk to our neighbour. He wanted to do it right away. And so he went and rang the doorbell of the flat opposite ours, where this person stayed along with his friends, bombarding him with questions! What to feed her and when, how and when she goes to the loo, how she likes to play, whether she barks and so on. He patiently answered all his questions, and agreed to having him babysit her once a week to start with, for a few hours. He also warned him that she was teething as she was just 3 months old, and that we had to be careful with things around the house! We decided to start today :)

Raghav woke up this morning asking me if I had put things away. When he found out that I hadn't he went around the house, checking and telling me all the things that were at her height, which had to be put away! And then we looked through some of his old stuff and thought of things/toys to give her to chew on and play with....an old tennis ball, a wooden spoon, a rope and a belt for tug of war and a cardboard roll to chew on or play with. It was great fun organizing the space with him for the little visitor!

So this evening, Lisa came home....with a little doggy love!!!:) Yeah, and we had so much fun! And I guess she did too! Her favourite place was the beanbag, which happens to be Raghav's favourite place too!! And she usurped it with full rights! :) What a beautiful evening filled with doggy smells, smiles, laughter, non-stop fun, bubbling energy and so much love.....so grateful to Life for showing us a beautiful way to fulfill our needs...

When I run after what I think I want, my days are a furnace of stress and anxiety.... 

If I sit in my own place of patience, what I need flows to me, and without any pain. 

 - Rumi

Free to Be Myself

I am realising more and more each day that when I free myself, I free my son....or rather, when I feel free to be myself, I free my son to be himself too. Of late, all the things that have been happening in my life, only seem to be sending me this message : 'Say yes to yourself and life!' 

And so, I have been saying more 'yeses' to myself and to Life. To me, saying 'yes' is about opening up to the flow of Life.....to trust myself and Life and her ways....and that can happen only when I am comfortable with everything that I feel I am now. To know that everything in me is valuable and there for a reason. To look at myself with keen eyes, and be aware of all that's being revealed - all my feelings, judgements, failings, fears, all of it. And to free myself to 'be' like this, has been a challenging yet enriching little journey of a few weeks.

There has been a huge shift within me of late, and I am learning slowly to love more parts of myself, and so feeling more at ease with myself.....and I am somehow feeling that this is in some way being transmitted to my son too. I don't know how though. But how he is responding now to things and situations that have come up earlier, seem to be telling me just that.

About ten days ago, I attended a talk on de-schooling, which raked up some old and new questions related to community and what it means to me now. I wrote down some of those thoughts and questions, which I want to share in this post, as it seems so connected and relevant here:

Community is the ecosystem that helps me not only survive but also thrive.

And to know that what I feel is 'my community' today exists and thrives only because of all the communities that I am not a physical part of or feel I don't 'belong' to.

I feel a true sense of community only where I feel that I can 'belong' to myself....first.

Is any kind of family a community? Or is it something larger?
Do we have to define community in a particular way?
By defining what it is or not, are we narrowing our choices down, and limiting our possibilities?
What would community mean to an ant, a tusker, a polar bear, a bird?
What would community mean to a person with autism or certain sensitivities?
Is our need for community based on a deep fear of survival or a need for sharing and learning and loving?
What is it that a community gives me that I cannot find in or give to myself?
Is the community fulfilling a need in me that is rooted in a fear of something? 
Or is it a space where I simply give without expecting anything in return for what I have to offer?

My community until today has been in many ways just my family - me, my husband, Raghav, his grandparents and my sister and her family. These are the people I interact with the most or most often, and who I know will be there for me, no matter what. Of course there are some friends who I look up to as family (or more) in this way, but those interactions are mostly online. Even the homeschooling community I interact with is mostly online. So when people speak about community, all those questions come up, because somewhere I feel that their definition and reality is different from mine, and wonder if the 'community' that they speak of is truly inclusive, when they seem to have boxed it in with a definition that doesn't seem to really change or evolve.

For a large part of our unschooling journey, we have been by ourselves, with no real community of like-minded people around us for support or sharing learning or simply doing things together. Yes, there have been and are supportive neighbours and friends, and that was perhaps all that we needed. Raghav needed a safe nest - home - where he could rest his tired, battered soul perhaps (after his difficult years at school), where he could find himself again, and where he could love himself completely. And because that was what he needed to feel safe, we re-evaluated our needs, and put some of them on the back burner. We stopped calling people over, we stopped socializing with friends and family, we stopped going out except when we really needed to. They were some of the most challenging years, because it meant letting go of many of our needs and sticking very much to the four walls of our house, for days and months on end, with every outing becoming an ordeal, with an argument before almost every outing and extreme tiredness after each, with each outing stretching to hours, simply because Raghav would take forever to just get ready and move!

There were so many days when I felt I was going crazy. I felt lonely, completely disconnected, depressed, angry and even wondered if I had made the right choice in choosing unschooling. So many times we used force to get the simplest of things done - like going shopping, paying bills etc., and every time, it left us all with a bad after taste and so much negative energy. But we had to just stay with it all. Some of those things had to be done. There was no other way that we knew of. That was our path. Painful, thorny, but our own unique one, the gifts of which we are opening only today.

Every time someone spoke about 'community' and 'togetherness' and 'belonging', I cringed, I hurt, and felt like an outcast. Every time someone spoke of 'solitude' and 'aloneness' I felt good, because that was what I could resonate with. That was my reality because of the choices I had made. This whole idea of community (the way most people seemed to see it) seemed like an unreachable place for me....an Eden I could only dream of, if at all, but never be a part of. We had made an effort to be a part of different communities, but somehow never felt comfortable, because Raghav was rarely comfortable. And so then, we gave up making that effort. We then gave in to Life and her ways and found peace in that. We made our own little cozy nest, filling it with all the space that each of us needed to get more comfortable in our own skins.

There were many friends and family who told me and reminded me, that I had to make that effort, that I had to look after my needs, that I had to feel fulfilled if my son had to feel good about himself. So many words of advice, all well-meaning, but completely useless for me. For that path was not my path, not our path, at least then. I knew this deep down, but had no way of expressing it to anyone, including my own family. I guess people must have thought us to be the weirdest family around for digging up and getting into our own little rabbit hole :)

But those challenges brought us so many gifts that we would not have perhaps got otherwise. We took time to 'build' our nest, feel safe and at home in it, after years of distress and agony. We took time to understand ourselves and each other more intimately - our needs, our fears, sensitivities, etc. We saw the best and the worst versions of each other. We  learned to fight and love...to love it all! We learned what was essential to us and what was inconsequential. And much more.

And yes, we are opening some of those gifts even today. After years of being at home mostly and not attending any gatherings or events, I was telling Raghav about two events that were coming up this month - one was a talk that I wanted to attend at the organic store we go to every week (a place that he loves going to) and the other was a homeschoolers' gathering. I was quite surprised when Raghav agreed instantly to attend both! And what shocked me even more was that he on his own told me that he would go without his iPad!

So yes, we went for the talk on 'Transition Towns'. He sat in a corner and read the books he had carried with him, while I sat and listened to the talk. We were there for more than an hour, which was an achievement in itself for the first time. His feeling comfortable was infectious, or was it the other way around ? :) I wonder if I will ever know. But yes, for the first time, I was completely at ease too - inside, outside and with him in tow.

It was such a fulfilling little journey that I had been on with my son, the seeds of which were sown so many years ago, when we (my husband and I) decided to give him the space he needed to blossom and value his choices and needs, as they impacted our lives, as much as they impacted his.

A week later, was the second event - a local homeschoolers' gathering, which also he wanted to attend as much as I did. Again, he decided he would not take his iPad along. The only 'deal' we made was this - that he would tell me when he wanted to leave, and that we would leave soon after. He surprised me with many things that he did there, and I guess the surprise for me was simply because I was holding on to an image that I already had of him, based on my earlier experiences. :)

The group was already together and people were introducing themselves. Even kids joined in. I asked Raghav if he wanted to introduce himself. He nodded and watched the others. Soon after I introduced myself, he introduced himself: "I am Raghav and I am nine years old." What a huge moment that was for me! Then, as the discussion moved on to questions about homeschooling etc., he got himself a book, sat close to me and immersed himself in reading.  After a point, when he got tired of sitting in one place, he asked me to go out with him. 

We went out into the garden where some children were chatting and playing. He wanted to join in but did not know how. I supported him and made the first contact with the kids, asking them their names, what they were playing etc. Soon, he jumped in and they played 'catch' together. Then, he came up with an obstacle race, which he explained to another twelve year old boy, who became his friend for the evening. I learned so much from being with the two of them - how they listened to each other, how they saw what the other shared through their own eyes, how they disagreed with each other and took it in their stride, how they adapted the flow of the course so that both their needs were met and ideas taken and valued. 

And my role was to merely reflect one to the other! It was beautiful to be a mirror between two beautiful children! And my greatest learning from being with children off and on is the importance they give to the process rather than the outcome. Like here, it was not as important for them to get down to playing and doing the obstacle course, as it was to understand each other, listen to each other and value each others' points of view and ideas.

Then, we went back in to join the group, which was just getting into the groove of playing a small game called 'passing the clap'. It was fun! Someone started a clap, which was passed on in a circle, keeping to the rhythm and tempo, and then the clap was passed randomly to anyone in the circle. Raghav wanted to join in and made an effort to understand and play it. He was one of the few kids who joined in with the adults. And it was funny to see how every time it came to him, the tempo would change and slow down! :) There were calls to keep to the tempo, but it wouldn't work when it came to him! :) Perhaps that's why we have kids in our midst....to slow us down, to not take things for granted, to not get swept away by the crowd, to stay present and grounded and continue to be ourselves.....to be a part, and yet stand apart.....that for me is also what 'inclusion' is all about.

Soon, he wanted to leave, and I kept my promise by not tarrying to catch people's attention and say bye. We just got up and left, waving to the person who looked up at us. It was so beautiful and not contrived... and made me feel so much at ease. I hope the others felt the same way too, and if they didn't I hope they understood why we did that. And if they didn't understand still, well, that's just too bad! :)

As usual, on the way back, we got talking and I asked Raghav how he felt about being there.
"I loved being there....I made a new friend....I joined in the games...I liked those," he said.
"Why did you choose to come this time? Was it because I told you how much I wanted to go and you did not want me to feel bad?," I asked, sharing everything that was bubbling up inside.
"No....it was not because of that. I wanted to come this time. I myself felt that I was getting too much into the iPad and staying at home, and wanted to do something about it. That's why I came. That's why I didn't want to bring my iPad along," he added. 
I smiled quietly, enjoying the nakedness that was being displayed. There was no question of being 'honest' or 'open', because there was simply no other way to be for him. He was simply being himself.
"So what made you want to do this today, which you did not want to do earlier?" I prodded on.
"I am just more comfortable being myself...." was his prompt reply.

That said it all. Yes, the same was true for me. I was also more comfortable being myself....and yes, it has taken me just so many more years. But I guess it pays to be late, because with Life there is really nothing like 'late' or 'early'....everything just happens in its own time, in the best possible way for each one.

Here is a FB post that I shared later about how I felt after this gathering.....it sums up all that we've been through together and the joy that we are feeling just being ourselves....

I have 'waited without waiting'  (I don't know how to explain that waiting in any other way) for so many years now, for Raghav to 'want' to come with me for some gatherings, especially when it involves meeting people....and I am today basking in the joy that comes with that waiting...two trips in one week - one to attend a talk and the other to meet up with homeschoolers....it seems too good to be true!

It truly is a gift to watch a flower blooming slowly and surely, and that's how I feel about him today....it gives me goosebumps to think that I followed my heart and listened to my son, 'knowing' deeply that he needed this time and space (years actually and looong periods of not wanting to step out of the house at all), despite all the voices around me that questioned that and also became my own voice sometimes :) 

Also remembering a dear friend's sharing of a story, and the few hours I spent at a learning space in Bangalore, called 'Bhavya', where I learned the importance of giving time and space to children....not as much as what YOU think they need, but as much as THEY think they need. Grateful for those little-big lessons that Life brought me when I most needed it.

Today, on our way back home, when I asked Raghav as to what had made him 'want' to do this, he said: "I am just more comfortable being myself....and I myself felt that I was getting too much into the iPad and wanted to do something about it.....I enjoyed myself today....I made a new friend and met so many people."

Yes, this is HUGE for him and for us.....to want to step out of the house to meet people and to be okay to not take his 'best friend' (the iPad) along...of course, we could not stay for the whole time, and of course this may not happen every single time.....but it happened today, and that is all that matters, and I share my joy with all of you...

"You Give Me Love"

Raghav and I were talking this morning about a sudden trip that had come up - to visit my cousin in Bangalore over this weekend, as he was moving back to the U.S. We initially thought we would go see him and Raghav agreed, but later we decided against it as Srinath felt that it would be too much driving from here to Bangalore to Madurai and then Kodai, and that it would be too tiring. So I was explaining to Raghav how we had decided against the Bangalore trip.

Raghav was visibly sad and expressed it. He shared how he was sad about cancelling the trip as the reason why he had wanted to go to Bangalore was because the three of us hadn't gone anywhere for many months now. We then spoke about how we could plan a long holiday after the monsoons and so on. During the course of that discussion, I also shared with him as to how I feel when we go on holiday and he sits mostly with his iPad inside the room, and how difficult it is for us to get him to do anything else with us, or even for us to go somewhere on our own. So I told him how we were okay to wait for as long as it takes, to go somewhere, until he was ready to let go of his iPad atleast for some time, during the trip.

He immediately got upset and was in tears. He asked to be left alone like he usually does when he is experiencing an intense emotion. And so I let him be. Later, when he was ready to talk, I hugged him while he sat on my lap and asked him why he was upset. He said that he really wanted us to go somewhere together and also felt that I was getting angry with him when I spoke about the iPad. I wiped his tears and shared why I had said what I had said. I told him that I was merely expressing my need - to be out when on a trip, rather than being stuck inside a room. He was still in tears and told me how he was trying his best to convince me to go somewhere with him, but that I was getting angry about it. I realised then that there was perhaps something more to it than what he was expressing.

So I asked if he was not okay with my wanting to go away for a few days next week, to be with myself. He nodded and said 'yes'.

"Are you okay to not be okay?", I asked.

"Yes, I am.....I know that you need that time."

My heart broke open with one blow when I heard that. I was amazed that he could actually express how he felt about this, and also be okay and choose to stay with his sadness and discomfort.

I shared with him how happy I was because he was giving me that space and time. I told him how I was also so happy that he was choosing to stay with his sadness and discomfort. 

But the mother in me took over at that point and I asked him if he really wished I could cancel my trip. And he said 'no'. 

"It will not be the same without you around, but it's okay", he said softly, wiping his own tears.

My heart broke open a little more.

I thought a little before speaking and then asked: "What is it that you get from my just being around? What is it that I give you?"

Pat came the reply....

"Love...you give me love", he said, hugging me a little more tightly.

My heart was now ripped wide open. The rawness of the emotions engulfed me. And I sobbed.

I sobbed uncontrollably, my heart pounding and overflowing with love and joy, and he cried too, while we sat and hugged each other for a long time. I could have died at that moment....maybe I did :)

My little baby was talking about love. He was seeing me for who I was. What more can any human being or mother want?

And then we spoke a little more about love, how we cannot see it but can only feel it like the air or the wind...

...and we adjusted our sails and changed our course...both of us going our own ways...

I need my space

My sister has come down with her family and so most days have been spent with them. My nephew who is almost five, follows Raghav wherever he goes and whatever he does, not leaving him out of his sight even for a single moment! They have had their share of tiffs and showdowns, but have mostly got along really well.

Today however, when I got a call from my sister, asking me what we could do, Raghav told me that he didn't want to spend time with them, and wanted to just be home with me. :) I asked him why and when we got talking, he shared so much more about how and what he was feeling. He said that after spending a whole day with his cousin, he needed a whole day off, to be by himself and feel better. " I need my space amma," he said quietly.

Then, we got talking some more. He came out with some observations of his little brother, which stunned me! He said, "Amma, A does not know how to say that he is bored and does not know how to say that he wants to stop doing something and do something else! So he starts bothering me." I nodded and smiled, thinking about how he had made these astute observations, and yet did not himself know how to tell his cousin brother this, or help him find a better way to express himself. And that is because, Raghav himself  has a difficulty in expressing how he is feeling about some things! :)

While I am astounded by his observations of people, I am also surprised and relieved that he knows what he needs so clearly at this young age, and understands the value of honouring one's own needs and space.  After all, I do believe that it is only when one is honoured and respected for who one is, can one reciprocate that...and only when you honour your needs and your space, can you honour someone else's.

So yes, I did honour his need and stayed home with him. I also was his voice to my sister and had to explain to her why he wanted to be home by himself. And yes, it was perhaps something that she did not expect or appreciate, and was difficult perhaps to understand, but we had to still honour our needs. We did just that.

We hung up on each other with heavy hearts perhaps, but later that afternoon, when the phone rang and I picked it up, it was my sister again asking if R would like to go with them to the light house, and when I asked him, he readily agreed to go along!

I truly believe this yet again, that when you honour your needs and do so without judging yourself or
the other, so many possibilities open up, that you wouldn't even have imagined were possible.
So give yourself some space when you need to, and you will find yourself  making space for the other quite unwittingly!