Pauses

Pauses. I love the pauses that hold my heart through the day....like little rocks along the course of a river that flows by....like the string that guides the kite in the sky.

Yesterday was a busy and fun day with my son as he set down to putting an idea of his into action, and then planned his talk - the seeds for which were sown by him more than a year ago. During the course of our conversation, we were discussing about how space shuttles take off and land or return to the earth. I realised how much I did not know and sat down to Google some information about it, to find an answer to my question.

We stumbled upon two videos of space shuttles Discovery and STS- 22 landing and returning to earth after their successful missions. It was amazing for both of us to watch and feel the joy of the human spirit at work. We watched beaming from ear to ear - two children wonder-struck and thrilled to bits at the marvel of that incredible engineering feat - of putting something into space and then making sure it got back here safely. The pictures of the earth taken as the shuttle was landing were absolutely stunning. And as the shuttle descended, here was my son giving me a running commentary on the different layers of the atmosphere it was passing through. At one point, the body of the shuttle seemed to be aflame.
"See...that is why the mesosphere is so important. It burns away all metal and rock. It protects us from meteorites and harmful radiation from the sun," he said.

While I expressed my amazement at the human feat to my son, his eyes drifted off to the distant ocean and the pale blue sky outside, and he smiled to himself saying: "What a special planet we live on....what an amazing planet our Earth is! I love space....I love the Universe and I love our earth."
My heart broke open with love and joy, and so did his.....I could see it in his eyes....the sheer joy of a union of spirit....the spirit that knows only how to love.

Pauses do this to you. They break you open. They break the flow so you can feel love and joy in an unfathomable way. They are the spaces that dig deep, where you sink and touch that space of togetherness and incredible joy, even if for a moment. They bring you back to the moment.

If only we can pause more often....if only we can let those eyes that seek something constantly, that are trained so hard to 'concentrate' and 'focus', drift to where they want to...for in that space, in that moment is where the heart breaks open; that is where dreams are born; that is where we feel the joy of being alive...

Secrets

A few weeks ago, I shared this on my wall on Facebook -"Wallowing in the quiet happiness of not knowing....not knowing if I am living with an 8 year old who sometimes has the profound wisdom of an 80 year old, or an 8 year old who can scream and burst into tears in an instant and who looks up to me like a baby would sometimes with forlorn eyes, or now with an 8 year old who is busy making and keeping happy secrets like a teenager, in the quiet seclusion of his room....there is a beauty and a joy in not knowing....there is a love and a being-ness that defies all concepts of age and norms...and I love that! :)"

It felt good to bask in the warm autumn sun of motherhood, with all its brilliant, changing hues...life is often like that with Raghav....always changing, always colourful, always new and fresh - just like Fall. Only, that I never know what I am going to get :) or get into!

After months of carefully guarding his secret, last night Raghav finally decided to share it with me :) I plonked myself on the beanbag watching him and listening to his "secret between the iPad and him". The joy that poured out through his lit up face and flowing words, as he told me all about his Lego Marvel Superheroes and the videos of them that he had been watching all along, lit up my face and heart too. It was infectious! I suddenly felt like another kid, finally being let in to the most mysterious secret  in his little world :)

All these months, Raghav would ask me to keep away from him, when he was doing this " secret thing". He would shield himself and the iPad even from a casual, unconscious glance from me or my husband. He would sometimes announce to us to stay away from the room he was in. The build-up around the secret as usual added to its enigma. However, we managed to keep away :)

I asked him last night, as to why he had decided to finally share his well-preserved secret with us. "It was too hard for me to keep it to myself and away from your eyes any longer amma!", he sighed with a smile.

I am glad that he did - for partaking in the joy and unfolding of a secret has a special flavour of its own :) There is a beauty and a joy in not knowing, and a beauty and a joy in getting to know too!

The Joy of Self-Learning!

Recently, there had been a lot of sharing of Lego videos / simple animation done by kids, in our online homeschoolers' group. I watched all of those intently as I knew Raghav would love to make something like that sometime. One of them even shared the steps of how to make one with me. I was thrilled and wanted to make one for Raghav and surprise him. I thought he might then get more interested in making movies. But I forgot :)

This morning, Raghav sat with me to download some new apps on the iPad. He wanted to explore some new games. While he asked for suggestions like he usually does, he did not take any of my ideas ( again quite usual!) and went off after a while to look for things on his own, occasionally coming to share his findings with me. I now understand that his asking me for ideas is perhaps like the ignition - once you put in the key and turn it, it starts off on its own!

I was quite surprised at the iPad apps he had found on his own. One was about being a dentist, and the other was for making a Lego movie. He was excited about both! And I have no idea whatsoever as to how he found these apps! It was really strange because he had no idea about my thinking about making movies with lego, and he had also been to the dentist a few days ago, and had to get more dental work done in the coming week! And he had found two apps (both free) that would help him with both!

We went through the Lego Movie Maker app together and realised how easily we could make a Lego movie of our own! Raghav was very excited and went on to make his first ever Lego movie with it, almost entirely on his own. All I did was to hold the iPad for him to take a photo with a steady hand. He was even more excited  that he could add sound effects and his voice over to the movie! We spent some time on getting the video exactly how he wanted, with the voice over in the exact way he wanted and at the correct frame. He figured out how to adjust the frame speed and order the sounds recorded all on his own. I was merely there to listen, watch and hold the iPad steady. He plans to make many more and one hour-long Lego movie:)

A few days ago, my husband got a bit irritated with him for leaving the doors open in the bedroom, while the AC was on, and Raghav did not like being reminded of that. We had a long chat about it - we discussed how we didn't like to go behind him and close the doors each time as we were also getting tired of doing that. We also discussed how he didn't like to be told off or reminded about it. And then, we let it be.
The next day, Raghav came up to us with a printout of a door and said that he was going to cut it up and stick it on the bedroom door, to remind himself of what he had to do :) He had Googled for pictures, chosen one that he liked, printed it out, cut it out, and stuck it up all on his own! We have had to remind him very few times after that to close the door.

It is a priceless pleasure to watch the joy of self-learning and discovery unfold every single time. I never get tired of it. It is a warm feeling that radiates inside me when I see my son taking charge of himself and his living and learning, slowly and surely.

Sharing that joy with all of you through this post, photos and this video....

My first Lego Movie

a self-made reminder to close the door :)

Trials and Tribulations

Today seemed like any other day. Raghav has been back in his Lego world for some time now, watching Lego Undercover videos on the iPad, when he is not in the midst of his cherished bricks. Every morning, for the last week or so, he has been a man on a mission - waking up, lying in silence and staring into space on the bean bag ( his most favourite space in our house), and then suddenly getting up to go to his room and get started on his project for the day. Today, he announced to us that he was going to build a movie theatre, before disappearing into his little Lego world :)

Over the last week, most of what he has built have had name boards on them, which he painstakingly creates and makes on his own, with little or well-defined help (usually for sticking them on; not even asking for spellings) from me, as and when needed. He has chosen of late, to write rather than type out the names for the buildings he creates for his Lego city. He has chosen to stay with the trials and tribulations of writing - something that he rarely did in the past. He has chosen to be with his pain and wait for the elusive joy of creating well-formed, perfect (in his opinion) words with pen and paper.

He made five attempts today to get these name boards done. After every attempt, he would scream in agony, angry at himself for making a mistake, and go away to another room to be by himself. He did not want any help. He did not want a quick-fix solution this time. He wanted to be with his frustration, pain, anger and sadness of knowing that no matter how hard he tried, it was just not coming out right. All that I could do, was to be with him, hug him and kiss him. The first few times, he did not even want  me to talk. And so I sat with his pain in silence.

The last time however, he was heartbroken as he had got all of them right, except for the last one alphabet/number. He couldn't believe that he had got the last one wrong.
"I am very sad, frustrated and angry Amma," he screamed, throwing himself on the bed, his arms and legs flailing, body contorting, like an injured worm.
"Amma, why is it that it never comes out right for me?", he sobbed.
It is hard to be a perfectionist. I saw myself in him. I had felt the pain of falling from my own self-created pedestal and benchmark so many times before. It is a raw, deep pain when you feel that you are not good enough, not because of some image that you have of yourself from listening to what others think or say, but because you have fallen in your own eyes....when you want to be who you cannot be.

There was room for me to get in there - finally. I acknowledged how he was feeling in silence, and then when he had calmed down a bit, asked him if what he was feeling was really true.
"Was it really true that nothing came out right?", I asked quietly.
"No," he said with a faint, transient smile brewing.
We then listed out all the alphabets that he had written correctly. We spoke about how they were all neatly formed, how they were in a line and not dancing elsewhere :), how they were all fitted within
the space he had drawn out, and how he had got only one alphabet/ number in the whole string wrong.
"When you see a doughnut, do you see the hole or the yummy doughnut?", I asked him.
" I see the doughnut only," he replied, with a beaming smile.
"So can we see the doughnut here?", I wondered with him.
He had got the message.
He jumped up and was off to make another attempt! And then, he also went on to make the name board that said "CINEMA" on it! Each and every letter was made by drawing around a Lego block to get the square shape, writing the letter inside that square, without any help, and sticking it up on the Lego name board.

           Failed attempts.....

 

The joy of finally getting it right :)

The Cinema - complete!

the snack counter inside

inside the theatre

McQueen on the screen!

It was hard for me to believe that a child who had developed a hatred for writing at school, years ago, was now making a sincere and happy attempt to do just that! It was harder for me to understand how a child with absolutely no practice or even attempt to write, for months together, could actually write with such finesse!

Trials and tribulations must (happen to) bring out the best in us.