Rules

Of late, we have been having some concerns over Raghav's use of the iPad and had some long conversations with him on that, letting him know how we felt about some things and why we were feeling that way. He listened long and hard, agreed with many points raised and then decided to experiment with some rules, which he decided to make for himself, all on his own. We asked him to make rules that he could remember and follow on his own, without us having to remind him. He made a few and has diligently been following them for some days now.

Today, he was too excited to play something as soon as he woke up this morning, and was all set to get going with his plan for the day. And he forgot to set the timer on his iPad, which was one of the rules he had made. After a few hours into the game, when the charge dropped really low, he suddenly remembered that he had forgotten something and had broken a rule. He was angry and disappointed with himself, came and told me that and decided to punish himself by skipping lunch. He refused to listen to me about punishment and how I felt about it. And so he starved the whole day. We let him follow what he wanted to do.

A little while ago, he came up to me and beamed from ear to ear, telling me this:
"Amma, let's make it this way.....the day I break a rule which I made, let it be that that day none of the rules count.....but that doesn't mean I will break them everyday or often!" :)

This is the whole point of rules isn't it? ....They are meant to be followed and broken at will. :)
What if we had a common understanding about this?

Well I can say from experience how freeing it is to see rules this way! A dear friend and I have lots of 'spiritual' conversations over the state of traffic these days, where we exchange stories and complaints and frustrations. Simple, mundane things that can bring you some great insights into the art of living. :)

At the end of one of those conversations, he shared this idea with me - what if we saw traffic issues in this light?.....that at every traffic light, there will be some who will stop, and some who will not....well, I have been trying to see things this way for a while now, and I can tell you how peaceful and happy I feel inside when I drive on our crazy roads these days! :)
Do try it and see for yourself!

Rules are made to be followed and broken at will :)

Freedom

The other day, we were somewhere and my son wanted us to buy him something which he really wanted. And we did not because it was beyond our budget. We explained our stance to him. He was still very upset and angry. For a long time he did not want to see us or talk to us. Then later, on his own, he said that he was ready to talk about it.

I asked him how he was feeling, and he said that he was angry. He was angry that we hadn't got him what he wanted. I listened to him express his frustrations. We explained to him why we could not, and suggested other ways of planning for such things, so that both he and we were prepared. He agreed to make a list of things he wanted and then sit down with us to see what was possible, when etc. And then he told us this: "Why is it that you grown ups have so much freedom and not us children? Why can't we do what we want to? So many times I have seen grown ups not give their children freedom...." Of course, that was said in a moment of anger and frustration, but I felt that there was some truth in it.

Often we don't want to see the truth that is staring at us. We do (seemingly) have more freedom than they do, because we are often able to exercise control not only over our choices, but over their choices too, and we often attribute that to our belief and value systems.....but do we stop and question those and see for ourselves if we are holding on to them too tightly? Do we stop to see another point of view and the larger picture that is emerging, which often has nothing to do with our beliefs and choices really? These are questions I ask myself, and I don't know the answers to any of these, but I am learning to stay with these questions more and more and loosen the grip over my beliefs, a little at a time, being gentle with myself....simply because I do not know....

Two days ago, this whole thing about freedom came up again and we were talking about it on our way home. I shared with him how much freedom I think we gave him. He agreed. I then shared with him why I thought his father usually never said no to him and got him most things that he wanted. I told him how when he was a child, he was hardly ever given things that he wanted, hardly ever allowed to buy things he wanted, because his father could not afford it. I told him how I thought that was the reason why he wanted him to have what he asked for. And how I felt that that was okay, but that the world and Life do not work like that.....that you don't always get everything that you want, whenever you want...and that I felt it was important to understand that and be with that feeling of not having as much freedom. He agreed, and then said this: "Amma, I agree with you. I have to be able to hear a 'no'...I know I cannot get everything I want. I know that appa should not simply buy everything that I want. He must be able to say no. I will be okay finally to hear that, even if it may be tough at that time. I will tell him that when he comes back."

And I smiled and wondered as to who was teaching who about freedom :)

Don't go by looks!

I knew from the way he asked me a question this morning, that things were juicing up for a rich, sweet conversation :)
"Amma, do you remember the day when I had only 'vadaams' the whole day, and you even called up appa and told him how worried you were because you did not know what to do because I was not wanting to eat anything else?"
(For those who don't know, 'vadaams' are like rice pappads, which I often just roast and give it to Raghav as a snack)
"No, I don't remember that at all", I told him, smiling to myself and thinking about what a long, beautiful journey it has been through these years and the rich landscape we have all traversed through it all.

"Have you written about in in your blog?", he added.
I shook my head.
"Well then I think you should.....and also about how I started eating other fruits which I never used to," he prodded.
I smiled and listened on.

"It is too late to have breakfast today....I think I will skip breakfast", he added, looking at the clock.
Oh yeah, things have changed so much! From a time when he hated looking at the clock for anything, he now has his own ways of following it :)
"Shall I make some fruit salad for you?", I asked.
"Yes, I love that now....I love almost all the fruits....I can even eat papaya plain if you cut it up and give it to me....I am now okay with that," he said.
"But how did you suddenly start liking all these fruits? Do you remember how some years ago, you stopped eating many fruits that you used to eat before? And then suddenly some weeks ago, after never tasting pomegranate before, you suddenly wanted to taste it! How did that happen?," I asked.
 
"Yes, I remember...I don't know why I stopped eating them.....but I know how I started again....do you remember the day when you made 'noughts and crosses' pizza in a different way by mistake and I refused to eat it because of the way it looked.....and then you asked me to try it out even if it looked different....and see for myself if it tasted the same? In the beginning I was angry that it was not the way I wanted it to be.....but then later I decided on my own not to go by the way it looked....and so I tried it....and then I realised that it tasted the same! Right from that day, I knew that I should not go by looks but by the taste," he said.
 
And I smiled. I knew I was speaking to a little person who had to live his truth. I remember how many times I had told him the very same thing - to not go by looks. But I didn't know then that it had to emerge from within him. I also know as I share this, that knowing and understanding this in this instance, does not mean that he will apply it to many other things in his life. To feel that he has to, is my opinion. And I am clear that I don't want to force my opinions on him. That too has to emerge in its own time from within. And all I can do is to wait and watch that beautiful unfolding to happen, if it does, and whatever that is, on its own.

Seeing Reality Through The Eyes of a Child

There were some questions bubbling inside me, which I wanted to ask and share with Raghav today, just to find out his perspective, and open my eyes out to other ways of seeing.

I was talking to him about the earthquake in Nepal and how many people had died and how many things were simply just rubble now. And then, I asked him what he felt about it, and what he had to say. Here is what he said:

"Yes, it is sad that so many people died and so much was destroyed. It is weird that so many earthquakes happen here in India. But earthquakes have to happen. That is what makes the Himalayas grow. That is what helps reshape the land. So if you look at the Himalayas maybe a few hundred years later, it would look very different. It would have changed. Things will probably change a lot near the area where the two plates meet, but maybe not so much far away from it."

The other question I had in mind was this:
"The other day you wanted to go with Armaan out to eat lunch. If I had told you then, that there are so many children and people who are so poor that they don't have even one little meal to eat in one day, what would you have done? Would you still want to go? What or how do you think you would have felt or thought?"

Here is what he said:

"I would have still gone, because I love eating out. Yes there are people like that who are poor and don't have food, but they can get money somehow."

Me: "How can they get money when they are poor?"

R: "Well, they can perhaps find some work to do or beg...."

Me: "Would you want them to beg?"

R: "Yes, that is one way..... like at the traffic signal we see so many people who do that,
and only because there are people who beg, are there people who can be kind and give them money. Some people may not give them money, but some people might. But there might also be people who dress up like beggars, even when they already have a lot of money, because they are greedy and want more. You will never know no? Do you think there might be people like that?"

Me: "Maybe. I don't know. But how did you think of this?"

R: "Well, that's just something I thought of....that's my opinion."

This conversation stirred up something inside and left me exposed and vulnerable. I saw how deeply entrenched I was in ideas and concepts about poverty and begging and kindness and compassion and right and wrong. I sat with those thoughts and feelings until I felt ready inside to share this with the world. It wasn't easy for me as a mother to listen to this from my child. It wasn't easy because I realised what 'fixed' notions I had about these things and so I was seeing my child through that filter. What he said, threw away that filter from before my eyes, and then I was in a space, with more spaciousness and freedom, to share this vulnerably.

Today, I am happy that when he asked me a few days ago, I couldn't answer his question "what is compassion?", and was able to tell him that I simply didn't know yet and that I too was wanting to find that out. And that I didn't feed him with someone else's idea of what that was. 
Today, I am happy that in spite of all the 'wrongs' we did with him, there was something larger than all of that which had a 'rightness' to it. 
Today, I am happy to have set him free, as I set myself free yet again from this tethered world.

So how would you see my son and his words right now?
Would you see this as an expression of 'insensitivity', 'compassion', 'ignorance', 'arrogance', 'immaturity', 'maturity', 'humility' or 'loving what is'?
Would you be able to watch yourself and your feelings and thoughts, as those words came and 'pierced' or 'rested' in your being?
And would you open yourself up to sharing those with me?

On Opinions

I was getting the water ready for Raghav's bath this morning. And like he usually does, he relieved himself, washed his hands and went off to dry them out with a towel. And like I usually do, I asked him why he would want to do that, when he was anyway going to wet his whole body, including his hands, just a few seconds later, when he was going to have a bath! Usually, he would just smile to me and not even consider answering my question. Well, today he obliged!

Here is yet another priceless conversation we had, and of course while he was sitting in his tub of water....where he usually gives his morning durbar! :)

"I just like to do it that way!", he replied with a smile.

"Does that mean you can do whatever you like just because you like doing it that way?", I joked.

He of course smiled and answered me very seriously.

"Yeah....it is not bothering me....so yes, I can do it because I like doing it this way," he said.

Me: "So as long as it doesn't bother you, you can do whatever you like....is that what you are saying? But what if that bothers me?"

R: "Well, if it bothers you, then it is your problem!"

Me: "Does that mean I can do anything I want to, as long as it does not bother me? Like say killing someone or hurting someone..."

R: "No....not things like killing, punching someone, and all that kind of stuff....but getting angry, yes....as long as it does not bother me."

Me: "So what makes you think that killing or hitting someone or hurting them physically is not what you can do?"

R: "I don't know. That's just my opinion."

Me (surprised that he used that word): "What is an opinion?"

R: "It is what you think or feel about something."

Me: "So you think or feel that hurting someone physically is something that should not be done?"

R: "Yes...that is my opinion. We all have opinions on things no?"

Me: "Yes...so how do you think having an opinion helps, or doesn't help?"

R (after some thought) : "I don't know. I don't know how they help us. But when we have different opinions, and we want to change the other person's opinion, it usually leads to an argument."

Me: "How? Can you give an example?"

R: "Like for example if I think that the earth is round, and you think the earth is flat, we each have an opinion about how the earth is....and when I feel that what you are thinking is wrong and want to change that, it leads to an argument....because our opinions are different."

His words left me quite stunned and defenseless. Later however, I went up to him and asked him where he had heard this word, how he had discovered its meaning, and how he had figured out all this about opinions, and this is what he shared with me:
"Well, I have heard Blitzwinger use it in so many of his videos in MineCraft. I figured out the meaning on my own. He keeps saying 'if you have an opinion, please leave it in the comments section', which I never do! The rest, I just figured out on my own. I just know.....and I don't know how."

On Anger

This morning, my husband got a call from someone in his Madurai office, which made him retort in extreme anger. His voice became louder, his tone increased in harshness and he was simply screaming over the phone at the other person.

At the same time, while I was busy with my household chores, Raghav was talking to me about his explorations and adventures in Minecraft from yesterday. I was trying hard to concentrate and listen fully to him talking, but I couldn't. My husband's screaming was the only thing resonating inside and everything else seemed to simply shut down. So I told Raghav how I was feeling and asked him to wait until his father calmed down to continue his conversation. This happened a couple of times. The last time, he got a little irritated as he desperately wanted to finish sharing what he was thinking about.

Then, he went to the dining table, took out a pen and a piece of paper and wrote out something that he went and gave to his dad. A little later, my husband's voice softened and he stopped screaming. Later, when I asked Raghav what he had given his dad, he brought out the piece of paper and showed it to me....

 

And then we spoke some more...

Me: What do you think we can do when we feel so much anger?

R: I don't know. But maybe not show it out like this.....because when you get angry and scream, the other person gets angry, and then you get a little more angry, and the other person gets a little more angry, and then it never stops.

Profound but simple words that tell me how much he has observed and thought about without maybe even being conscious about it. Or maybe he already knows. I don't know. And I also know how tough it is for him to remember this when he himself gets angry :) But I quietly told myself that I could use this to remind him :)

But this is a huge learning for me about anger, how to deal with it, and about my son. The fact that he could see the 'pattern' that we get into because of anger, the fact that he chose a beautiful, non-intrusive way to tell his dad what he felt by writing it out instead of telling him orally, the fact that he actually wrote it all out (because writing is something he doesn't care about at all) are all beautiful things that I would love to stay with today. I love these little gifts that Life brings me day after every wonderful day!

What to do with energy?

We were just going to bed. Raghav had finished reading his book - what he usually does before getting ready to crash, while I hadn't finished mine as yet. He was full of energy - jumping on the bed, swinging pillows, sometimes crashing into me, making weird sounds and calls, and just going a bit too crazy for me to deal with after a tiring day. I told him off firmly at first, saying how I really wanted some quiet, and asked him to go elsewhere and finish all that he wanted to do, before coming back into our bedroom.

But he wouldn't stop. He wouldn't listen. He just went on and on. I felt the anger rise inside me, wanting to explode and quieten everything in one stroke. I was tired and really wanted my space. I yelled at Raghav asking him to be quiet and calm down as I needed that silence and space. He burst into tears, covered himself from head to toe and refused to talk to me. I gave him the space he needed too. I told him to let me know when he had calmed down, and that we could talk then.

A few minutes later, he called out to me and said he was now calm. Here is the conversation that followed:

Me: So do you realise how much energy you have inside that is wanting to come out?

R: Yes. It is like it is all trapped inside and has now suddenly come out.

Me: Hmm...so what do you want to do with that trapped energy? Can you think of better ways in which you can use up that energy, which won't trouble other people?

R: I could use it up by doing things with my body.....like running, jumping, dancing (which I do rarely), cycling, swimming, playing something....

Me: Yes. Can you think of any more?

R: No. That is one way of using energy. But I can also use it another way no? By calming myself down by breathing deeply?

Me: Yes. Deep breathing has helped me calm down. So you are saying that the energy does not have to flow out and be used up in some way?

R: Yes. It can be inside my body. And I can calm myself down by breathing deeply.....by taking in air through my nose and letting it out through my mouth. I can do that also.

I love the way he makes me see the same things in fresh, fun and 'different' ways! :)

Watching Oneself

Raghav was having some physical discomfort, to which his reaction is usually kind of extreme and often very loud (for us). It was this time too.

Only this time, a few minutes later, he comes up to me and says this:

"The key is to be calm when this is happening.....and not get anxious. See, now I am better, and so I am calm."

I smiled and asked: "What?" (because he was being calm after and not during what he was going through).

He figured that out himself though and said smiling:" Yeah...I know what I just said kind of doesn't make sense..." :)

A few minutes later, he added:
"I was anxious when that was happening and my breath was short and fast. The key is for me to slow down my breathing when it is happening, so that I don't get anxious. Then I will be calm."

Living Wisdom

We (Raghav and I) were planning what to take with us today to spend the day again with my sister and family. When we are home by ourselves, we don't need to plan our days. We decide what to do in the moment. But when we are with people who like to plan and 'know' what they need to do next, we are learning to flow with that too. So here is our conversation from this morning....

Me: Do you want to think about what you would like to take with you today, or what you want to do with A today?

R: He loves Minecraft. I don't think I need to take anything else.

Me: I don't think R (my sister) likes A watching Minecraft all day. She shared that with me yesterday. Why don't you think about taking a DVD to watch with him today, as he likes watching movies and R doesn't mind him doing that I think?

R: But why doesn't she like Minecraft?

Me: I think because there is violence....like killing mobs etc.

R: Yes, but it is only a game! And that is what adds realism to it. If you couldn't die in Minecraft or other things couldn't die in Minecraft, it would not be real at all.

Me: What do you mean by realism or realistic?

R: Well, dying and killing other people is 'real'. That's what happens in real life.....in the world.

I smiled and nodded.

Me: Do you think that by playing games that have violence in them, there is a chance that you will or might become violent in real life?

R: No! It is only a game! I won't be violent in real life because I don't want to. By playing these games, there is a 99.9% chance that I will not become violent.

Me: (smiling) So there is a 0.1% chance that you might become violent in real life?

R: Yes. Because I cannot predict the future can I?

What I don't like in myself is what I don't like in others

Conversations from this morning....

R woke up wanting to build a surprise for me out of his Lego blocks - for Christmas. He has been building little things because Christmas is his favourite festival. A little later, he came out of his room with a Lego creation of a little Santa on a sleigh with presents, pulled by Rudolph. Then we got talking about presents.
Me: What do you think is the best present/gift you have got?
R: You, appa and myself.
Me: So why do you feel that this is the best gift?
R: I don't know....I love you both a lot....and I love myself....I know it sounds a bit weird to say that 'I love myself'....to hear me saying it about myself...
Me: Why do you feel it is weird? Do you think it is wrong to feel and say that you love yourself?
R: No. I don't feel it is wrong. I just love myself. But it sounds weird.
Me: Is there anything that you don't like about yourself?
R: No. I like everything.
Me: Is there anything that you don't like about other people?
R: Yes. There is one thing I can think of. I don't like people getting angry with me.
Me: Do you like yourself getting angry?
R: No.
Me: Why?
R: I don't know. It is because of the way it makes me feel inside....And with other people, like with my friends, what I don't like about them comes through experience....what happens when I am with them. So if I like them 100 percent in the beginning, then if something happens that I don't like, then it comes down by say 1%.
Me: Ok...so you don't like people getting angry with you....and you don't like yourself getting angry?
R: Yes....What I don't like in myself is what I don't like in others.

Food Choices

Raghav's gyan this morning from his morning durbar with me .....:)
(His inferences from watching videos on BrainPop and reading a book on body science)

"You can be completely vegetarian and still get all the nutrition your body needs.
But you cannot be completely non-vegetarian and still get all the nutrition that your body needs. You have to have some vegetarian food too. Because non-veg foods give you only a part of what your body needs. And I think most people actually KNOW that."

Minecraft, Trust and Friendship

It is funny and strange how some conversations have their seed in the past and in the future. Much like a dandelion....some conversations start in one place and their many seeds are carried over and across to so many spaces and interactions over time....and it is beautiful to see the pattern, the flow and the journey those seeds take. This was one such conversation....

Yesterday, Raghav expressed a desire to play Minecraft with friends. I was suggesting that he go online and play, as none of his friends here were into Minecraft.

"But I have to have seen or know the person I play with. I cannot play with someone I don't know," he said quite emphatically.

And so he wanted us (my husband and me) to play with him. I agreed to try if he taught me, and also asked if he would like me to ask my friend's son who he had met here and played Minecraft with a few months ago. He was immediately all excited. So I sat and wrote to her, sharing his request.

"But why do you feel that you cannot play with someone you don't know?", I prodded on.
"Because I don't trust them. I cannot play with someone I don't trust....someone whose identity I don't know," he added. And we left it at that.

Later at night, I was telling Raghav how I was going to be in another room, talking to my friend on skype. "Who is that? Is it ***?", he asked. I smiled and said 'yes'.
"But how do you talk to *** when you haven't even seen *** before?", he asked quite surprised.
"I don't know...but I like talking to *** and *** is my friend," I said.
Strangely, my friend and I also ended up talking about trust in our conversation although the conversations flowed from elsewhere! :)

This morning, I broached the same topics again with him.
"Yesterday, you were talking about trust....how you can't trust someone you haven't met or don't know....so what does trust mean to you? What does it make you feel inside?", I asked.
With a little more prodding and some choices, he was able to tell me how with some people that he trusted, he was relaxed, comfortable and happy, and how with some others he felt anxious. And then, he came up with this...

"Both people have to feel the same way about trust, for them to trust each other," he said.

"Like I trust you and appa and Joel and Sadie and thatha and patti....and I feel that with the three of us, we feel the same way about trust.....do you think you and appa feel the same way about trust, the way I do?", he asked.

"....I think you do....but with my friends and thatha and patti, I am not sure they feel the same way about trust like I do.....so if I were to play Minecraft with you or appa, and you kill me, then the next time, I would still play the same thing with you again......but with anyone else, even if I trust them, if they kill me in Minecraft, I cannot and will not play that again with them....but I may play something else. So I trust them for some things, but not other things," he added.

"Yes....I understand....so you feel that you can trust appa and me for everything and that we three feel the same way about trust....yes, and  that is how I feel with this friend of mine too....I trust *** for everything. Trust is something that I just know and feel inside," I said.

What a beautiful conversation that was....much like a piece of embroidery, being woven slowly with magic and wonder and a lot of heart. Yes, trust is the basis of any relationship....the foundation....on which everything else gets created. Trust is like a stick-it note - it just is or happens in the very first moment of the interaction...and once it is peeled off or removed, it will not stick on easily again.

Am I Comfortable In My Own Skin?

Today we went to a birthday party - it was my neighbour's kid's birthday and Raghav really likes her. She has a way with him...a fierce persistence to get him to listen and respond to her, and even if he does get irritated sometimes, he generally listens to her and likes being with her, and when he doesn't he just tells her off. She is all of six and a good three years younger than he is. So yes, Raghav really wanted to go.

We haven't been to a birthday party in a long time...more than two years I think. Raghav has a fear of balloons (bursting) and so usually doesn't like to go to birthday parties. But he has often made an effort to go to some, especially if it is his dear friend's. He is then even willing to bear the extreme discomfort and face his fear.

And while he faces his fears, I face mine too - the fear of what people would think if he closes his ears and screams when he sees a balloon, the fear of being different, the fear of being rejected and not being seen for who we are. And so, we have often faced our fears together. There were many times, when I was the only other mom in a birthday party, as most parents would just drop off their kids and go away. But Raghav still needs me in that sense, and always has. And so I would have to be with him, be his voice, encourage him to join in whenever he could in the games and so on. I have felt embarrassed and out of place, much like a fish out of water, and yet stayed with all of that. It has paid us dividends, which I am able to see today.

So, yes we went to the party and had quite a good time too! We knew no one there, except for my neighbour and her kids. But we both felt okay about it. We sat by ourselves for a while, until others started coming in. We were introduced to some of them. One lady, who was the mom of a six year old boy, opened up and chatted with us. She introduced her son to Raghav (who also loved cars and Lego) and they actually sat and chatted for quite a while. For the first time in my life, I felt gratitude towards extroverts like her, who take the first step towards starting a conversation with people like me, who find it challenging to initiate conversations. It was a huge shift for me. All these years, I have felt out of place and extremely uncomfortable with my inability to start up conversations with some people. I have judged myself for being who I was. It has been a painful struggle to be comfortable all the time, with who I was. I have kept away and felt sad about it too. But today was different. I was able to see and love myself for who I was, and able to see the gift that others brought me, by being their bubbly, outgoing selves. When this shift happened inside, it was amazing to see the shift happening outside. I suddenly felt so free and at ease with myself and everyone, even though no one there spoke to me, and I too didn't speak. There was no need. It was perfect as it was.

Raghav was also more at ease with himself. He agreed to go there without his iPad (which happens rarely, but is beginning to happen more now!); he was happy to do nothing and just sit on his chair; he was okay to sit amidst a place full of balloons (even if he closed his ears for most parts of the time); he made friends with a boy he had never met before, and even played with him for a while. These were all huge shifts for us!

Yes, it looks like we are getting more and more comfortable in our own skins (until of course we need to shed them at some point, for some reason! ). But what amazed me the most was what transpired in the conversations between Raghav and his new transient friend. I hardly ever intervened, and am so glad I didn't! (I guess you will figure out why) I share here some parts of the conversation as I remember it....

X: What is your name?
R: Raghav.
X: Which class are you in? Which school do you go to?
R: I don't go to any school. I learn by myself at home.
X: What are you saying? How can you not go to school? Then do you sell flowers??
You must go to school. You are nine years old? You have to now start from baby class!
R: I don't sell flowers. I just don't go to school. I used to go when I was small, but then didn't like it. It was boring.
X: Yes. Actually sometimes when my friends in class trouble me a lot, I also don't feel like going...I tell my mother that I don't want to go to school. But she says that I must.
What is your favourite colour?
R: Red
X: Mine too! What is your favourite food?
R: Pasta and pizza.
X: I like french fries and pizza.
R: How can you have two favourites?
X: What is your favourite fruit?
R: Strawberry.
X: I like custard apple and banana.
And then they went on to talk about favourite vegetables listing them in order of preference.

Then, this little boy wanted to go and play 'catch', and asked Raghav if he would come. Raghav hesitatingly agreed, but wanted me to be around. I went along. Just before they started, he asked Raghav: "So do you have friends if you don't go to school?"
R: Yes, I do have some friends. A (the birthday girl) is also my friend. She is my neighbour.
And then they began to play. When they had finished, he came up to me and said: "He is very slow. See, I am smaller than him, and still I am so fast. I caught him so easily."
R: "Actually, I don't think we can say who is faster or slower. I think (but I may be wrong) we both run at the same speed. But I find it hard to cut corners, while he is good at that. That is why I think I cannot catch him, but he catches me."

Then, everyone was called in to the place where the cake was being cut. Raghav hesitated to go in as some kids had loads of balloons in their hand, and he was scared that they might unwittingly burst them. His friend saw him and asked what had happened.
R: I am scared of balloons.
X: But you are nine years old. You are not a baby. How can you be scared of balloons?
R: I am scared. I am scared that they will burst, and I don't like that....the sound.

After the cake-cutting, Raghav wanted to leave. So we excused ourselves without eating a thing. Raghav didn't want to eat the cake as he felt it would have eggs in it. So we told my neighbour and left. For the first time, I didn't feel bad or guilty or sad about hurting anyone's sentiments.

Later, in the car, we chatted about the party and how he felt there. I had been a silent observer, watching and listening to their conversations. I was able to see the innocence as well as the sarcastic adult-like, adult-influenced remarks of a six year old. I wondered how I might have got hurt with remarks like that from someone.  And so I turned to Raghav and asked him how he felt. He said that he was completely fine with everything and that nothing had upset him. I smiled. I remembered that wooden hand-crafted doll.....which has a rounded bottom, and which when disturbed or pushed, rolls around and eventually comes back to its stable position without toppling over.

"I would like to perhaps play 'catch' with J (his best friend) and see. I have a feeling that he might also not be able to cut corners like me and that we would run at the same speed. That would be more challenging for me, because it would be more fair.....I was also wondering why he said that if someone does not go to school, they must be selling flowers. That is not true. There are so many things we can do if we don't go to school. Not just selling flowers!", he added. He seemed to know exactly what his challenges were, and was willing to explore those. And he was also okay to move out of his comfort zone, like he had done today.

I was quite surprised. Yes - surprised as to how non-intervention (when it is the ask of the moment) can be the best thing to do some times. Surprised as to how one just does not need to 'work on' one's challenges persistently....that there are other 'do nothing' ways of arriving at the same place. There was no need to 'facilitate' children or 'teach' them how to handle the world and themselves...what to say and when and how. They already know.

And there is definitely a moment in time, when one does not feel the need to justify one's actions and choices.....when one's thoughts are not white-washed by redundant conditioning.....when one can smell the sweet aroma of child-like innocence and simply rest in that, enjoy that....when one can simply slip in comfortably into one's own skin. Nothing else matters then. You are centered, grounded and at peace with your own little self....inside your own skin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“The moment will arrive when you are comfortable with who you are, and what you are– bald or old or fat or poor, successful or struggling- when you don't feel the need to apologize for anything or to deny anything. To be comfortable in your own skin is the beginning of strength.” 

― Charles B. Handy

Inspiration in a Bathtub!

Most of his inspiration comes when he is in a tub of water...

This morning, after a bath, R was sitting in the tub and suddenly popped this question:
"Why does the water level rise when I sit in the tub?"

Me: "Think about it....what is the difference between the tub of water without you and with you?"
A little later, he called out to me....

"Amma, I know....the amount of water in the tub remains the same with me or without me....so the amount of water that rises is equal to the space occupied by my body....obviously....because my body cannot absorb the water and I am not drinking it!"

:) Do I see Archimedes dancing in his grave?

When in Doubt.....Ask!

I love the way this article has been written...light and easy...just like play...

The Childhood We Wish We Had

Yes, I have been in the space that Pam shares here in the article...I have celebrated and mourned my childhood, and both were needed for me to ease into play and living and learning with my child...

I still do have some inhibitions, but am more accepting and aware of those, and so is he.....and my dear husband makes up for what I cannot give or do for whatever reasons...for things I am still coming to terms with or figuring out.....and that is what I find so beautiful about life....there are just so many ways in which these cracks are filled up effortlessly....

Last night, just before going to bed, Raghav and I were talking a bit...about how he learns and about our journey now...It feels good to do a 'reality check' with him every now and then....air my doubts and questions. To me, he is a little person who is getting to know himself just like I am.....and so we talk a lot about a whole lot of things...including ourselves - how we think, feel and learn.

When I am in doubt, I just ask him. Yes. That's what I do. Simple and straight. If I am worried about his meltdowns, we sit down and talk about it. I share my worries and my fears and my inadequacies of handling situations. If I am concerned about his lack of outdoor play, I share my concerns, why I feel the way I do, emphasize my needs, talk about my fears, ask him why he is not interested and so on. If the fear of his not making friends comes up, I sit down and ask him how he is feeling about being without friends, whether he misses them, why or why not, suggest ways he could make new friends, and ask if we should have some of them over.

When I am in doubt, I just ask. And that has worked wonders for us until now. It often opens up a space where anything and everything can be offered, suggested, listened to, asked, discussed and argued about. A space where we both learn something new about each other and ourselves. A space which helps us get more grounded in the choices we have made, or shaken up beliefs that no longer serve us. And I am so grateful for this space that we share. It has been the place where maximum learning has occured for both of us....and I cherish that.

So last night, I shared with him what was on my mind. I asked him whether he thought we should 'be' with him in a different way....suggest more things, do more things with him and in other ways. I asked him what he wanted us to do while he was on the iPad or doing his own thing. I asked him how he felt about us just 'letting him be'....whether he wanted or expected something that we were not giving or doing for him. And this is what he said: "Amma, you are doing the right thing by just letting me be. I know when I need you and I will ask. I like to learn this way - by myself..... If you suggest something and that sounds interesting to me, I would love to do it. You can be however you want with me. It doesn't matter. If something is a secret and I don't want you to watch it, I will tell you. But I am happy with this way."

Was I asking for validation? Was I unsure of boundaries? Was I reeling in self-doubt? Was I giving him too much power and choice? Maybe. And maybe not. It depends on how we really want to see things isn't it?....through what lens do we want to view some thing? And that is why I feel intent is key. Intent is something that only the person thinking or doing something can really know. All else is speculation and judgement. One has to be honest with one's own self. All else is quite immaterial. So yes, I know why I spoke with my son....why I have these heart-to-heart conversations with him every now and then. It is a way I have found - to be vulnerable with him about my own fears and doubts. It is a space where I can feel and share with him the pain and joys of being simply human. Messy. Imperfect. Beautiful.Ugly. It is a space where I can perfect the art of diving deeper into my utter humanness.

So how do you play with your child? 
Do you play with him the way he would like you to? 
Do you push yourself because of your unfulfilled childhood?
Do you just rest into what comes naturally to you without wanting to become somebody you really are not?
Do you feel comfortable and happy and truly enjoy being the way you are?
Do you ever ask him when you are in doubt?

I would love to listen to your thoughts.....

Of Ebola, Life and Death

The day started off with conversations that flowed from trains, to places around the globe, how people discovered that the earth is not flat, about day and night, to the sun not really rising and setting, to gravity in all things and attraction, to the movie Interstellar (we haven't watched it yet, but we Googled and watched the trailer), about living in the beginning of another ice age now and into the ebola virus and death. It was quite an odyssey!

We have spoken about death in many ways before, from when Raghav was quite young. It has often been the topic of many a conversation we have had over the years. Some months ago, when I was stalked by the fear of dying yet again, strangely, it came up with him too, even though I didn't share my fear then with him. I was having these sudden aches and pains over a week, and quite a shooting pain on one side of my abdomen on one day. It made me curl up and sit in the womb position. My husband got worried and started imagining all kinds of things and shared his concerns and fears with me. Although I knew that it was a passing thing, for the time that it stayed with me, this pain raked up that old fear of death and disease again.

Raghav then saw my husband googling something about appendicitis, and was in tears. I held him close and asked him what was up and he shared with me how he had watched a video on BrainPop on appendicitis and how it could be fatal if it was not diagnosed early enough. I asked him if he was worried that my pain could have anything to do with appendicitis, and he nodded, tears streaming down his face. We then sat and talked a little more. I asked if he was scared of my dying, and he broke down. We sat for a long time, holding each other in silence, just listening to our hearts beat. Just speaking our hearts was enough. Sharing our fears was enough. It was freeing and refreshing. And brought us back to the present moment quite effortlessly. I am glad that we speak of death with this ease.

Yet, I can also see how some people would probably question watching such videos, out of concern. Why would anyone want to rake all these things up unnecessarily? That is a valid point. But how long can we run away from what is real and alive? How much can we push things up under the carpet, waiting for an opportune moment to face it? I feel we are always ready for everything. We don't have to be readied in anyway. That readiness is all in the mind and in the way we interact with life.

So today, when he started off speaking about the ebola virus, there was a kind of detachment and matter-of-fact-ness in the way he spoke. Atleast that is what I sensed. I didn't know much about the ebola....I haven't been keeping up with the news and knew nothing of it really. So it was interesting for me to hear him lecture to me about the symptoms, causes, prognosis, treatment etc. His learning was solely based on BrainPop, but it was thorough. And with that learning came further questions.

"Why are people kept in isolation when they think someone has Ebola?
Why are they so scared?", he asked.
And then, as if to answer himself, he said:"Well, everyone is scared of dying. That is our biggest fear."
I was quite shocked! But prodded on....
"So are you scared of dying? Why?", I asked quietly.
"Yeah, I am scared...because it is painful...", he added.
"But why should death be painful? Do you think it is always painful?", I asked.
"It is painful because people suffer when they die," he retorted.
"What is suffering? Why do you feel people suffer when they die? What is pain? Do you feel death is painful?", I repeated.
"Suffering is when you want something to happen in a certain way and it doesn't happen that way...no one wants to die and so they suffer...and people usually die from some disease.....so it must be painful for them no?.....but I am not only talking of that pain...it is also painful for people who love them.....like when some family member who you love dies, you feel sad and hurt....you don't want them to die....that is the pain that I mean," he explained.

There was so much thought and heart that had gone into those words he shared. I was deeply moved by his own efforts and ways of understanding and making sense of intangible things. And then we went on to talk about the different ways in which people die, how it need not be painful all the time, and how death was important for life.
We spoke about flowers and leaves withering and dying and becoming dust, which in turn becomes the soil in which seeds sprout....
.... about animals and birds and insects dying and becoming one with the earth.
....about people dying and what happens when we bury them, or burn them or leave them exposed to the elements.
.... about how death restores balance, and how things cannot exist forever in the same way.
....about the peels and rotten vegetables and fruits, or leftover food that I put into my kambha and how that is turned into compost which is used in the garden for plants to grow.
....about the cells in our body dying and rejuvenating everyday.
....about how life moves to death and how death moves to life and how our fear of death is because we want to live forever.

And we came back to talking about how we are currently living in the throes of the early years of another ice age, and how the earth was going to be destroyed slowly, to perhaps give birth to new life. Strange how we had come full circle! Strange how everything that initially seemed disconnected, was actually connected so intricately! I guess that's what happens when you speak of life and death. Both are interwoven in the seamless fabric of our everyday lives, and yet we do not stop to think about them so much....or look deeply into the threads that bind us in a magical interconnectedness.

But conversations have a way of bringing these nuances out....they have a way of making us face our deepest fears time and again, and help us move effortlessly to a place of love and connection for all things. I love our conversations....because that is the way we connect and learn the most.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here is a lovely poem by David Whyte that speaks about our own ultimate disappearance....and about being present to everything....

No Path

There is no path that goes all the way. Not that it stops as looking for the full continuation. The fixed belief we can hold, facing a stranger that faces the trouble of a real conversation.

But one day, you’re not imagining an empty chair where your loved one sat. You’re not just telling a story where the bridge is down and there’s no where to cross. You’re not just trying to pray to a God you imagined would always keep you safe.

No. you’ve come to the place where nothing you’ve done will impress and nothing you can promise will avert the silent confrontation; the place where your body already seems to know the way, having kept to the last its own secret reconnaissance.

But still, there’s no path that goes all the way. One conversation leads to another. One breath to the next until there’s no breath at all, just the inevitable final release of the burden. And then, wouldn’t your life have to start all over again for you to know even a little of who you had been?

What's in a name?

It was another one of those beautiful morning conversations....

R: "Why did you name me Raghav?", was the question today, as he sat with a lost look in his eyes, inside his most favourite place in the world - the tub! :)

Me: "I don't know....it just felt right....that was the name I wanted for you if you were a boy."

R: "But why did you choose that name? Why didn't you choose something else?"

Me: "I just felt that it was perfect for you, even before you were born...I just knew it inside."
"And then, after you were born, appa's parents i.e. your patti and thatha wanted to follow the custom of naming their grandson or grand-daughter after the grandfather or grandmother and wanted a naming ceremony. I was thinking about it and realised that Raghav was perfect because it had a part of both your thathas' names! It all worked out so beautifully."

R: Why do they have a naming ceremony?

Me: I don't know. I will have to find out. No one was able to answer when I asked them then.

R: I think choosing a name should be done like voting. Whichever name gets the maximum votes should be chosen.

Me: But I don't think I would have been happy if by voting, another name had come up for you. I really liked the name 'Raghav' and wanted that for you. I would perhaps be the one calling your name the most, and if it was not something that I was happy with, I would have been sad all the time. So I don't think voting is a good idea.

R: Yeah....I also don't think I would have liked any other name. I actually like my name. I think it is perfect for me!

Me: Why? Why do you feel that it is perfect for you?

R: Because I feel I am like that.....the way I act....80% of the time I am happy....only 20% of the time I am sad....so I feel that it is perfect for me. It makes me happy. I like my name. It is also not very common no?

:)

A little later, when I was in the balcony sorting out the compost, he came up to me quietly from the back to say this:

"I think you are the perfect amma for me.....even if you don't act like me or like the things I do."

What a beautiful gift to receive to start the day! :)

What's in a name anyway? 
Everything is perfect as it is....just as it should be.

~

P.S. - After he was born and his grandparents were figuring out his birth star (nakshatram) according to the Tamil calendar, I came to know that he shared the same birth star as Rama, and was born at around noon just like Rama....and the name that I had chosen for him was another name for Rama! 
(I didn't believe in astrology then nor mythology and related with them as figments of imagination and as just another story) 
But speak of coincidences and synchronicity! :)

Conditioning - Understanding how the world works....

Raghav was in the tub after his bath this morning. Sometimes, that's where his inspiration and questing questions come from. And I love being in that space with him.

This morning, we were talking about something to do with his childhood. He wanted to know when he started walking, talking etc. and how. I shared with him how I felt that he didn't even try something until he felt 'ready' to do it - that was how it was with walking and talking and many things. I told him how he didn't crawl at all, nor hold on to things and walk so much. He just got up and started taking his first steps, and didn't even fall so much. A similar thing happened with talking. He would gurgle a lot as a baby, and babble a little, but there was not much of using unintelligible words with him. He spoke his first word when he had just turned one and it was very clear. The words he used after were also very precise and clear.

"So I didn't know how to talk when I was born right? Then how did you know what I needed?", he asked.

"Well, you cried....you couldn't talk then," I added.

"So then, you tested and found out what I was trying to say through my crying right?....you probably tried different things and found out which ones made me happy or comfortable?", he went on.

I was quite amazed at his logic and inference. So I asked him how he knew or guessed that and if he had read about it somewhere. This is what he shared:

"No. I just know. Because I have experienced that so many times in my life. Like some time back, I remember how I used to get so irritated and not know why or what was causing that irritation, and we talked about it, and you told me that we could think of some things which could be causing it. So we made a list - like needing to go to the bathroom, hunger, tiredness or sleep, or something else. And then I thought about and tried out each one every time I was irritated."

"Yeah....but how did that help?" I prodded on.

"Because by doing that I got to know what was it that was causing that irritation and what was not. It was by testing that I found out....some things made me feel happy and comfortable and some things didn't, and so I found out. ....and so I think that you also must have done the same thing when I was a baby and cried for everything..," he said.

I stood amazed at how these connections and learning happen effortlessly - how we learn about how we learn. :)

Conversations

Conversations.
Yes, that's what we do for most parts of the day.
That's how we connect.
That's how we learn.
That's how we have fun.
Here are some from today....

***********

A Measure of Love

Of late, Raghav has been coming up to me and hugging and kissing me a lot, just out of the blue....when he is walking past, or when he comes close to me to share something with me, or when he suddenly remembers me and feels like doing that. It has been such a pleasure to be at the receiving end....every time my heart just fills up to the brim and overflows.....I am discovering this new way of being with him in the moment fully....and a sense of freedom...as if something between us has given (in a positive way)....and basking in this very 'different' kind of joy :)

So this afternoon, while I was sitting and reading something, he came up to me and hugged me, gave me two pecks on either cheek, which I returned, and said this: "Amma, do you know how much I love you and appa?"

I smiled and he added, looking into the sky for a moment: "I love you more than a million iPads!"
What a wonderful way of measuring love! :)

**************

See things for what they are!

I was talking to a friend on the phone while Raghav was first making his salad and then eating it. Just as he finished eating, he realised that I was still on the phone, and came up to me and said :" Amma, you are still on the phone! You have been talking for like two hours! When are you going to hang up?"

(I am not feeling guilty, but want to say that Raghav's estimate of time can be quite off the mark :) )

I laughed and shared that with my friend and we decided to hang up.

As soon as I hung up , Raghav turns around and tells me this:
"I didn't want or ask you to hang up. I only said that you were on the phone two hours! I am going to build with Lego now.....you can talk if you like!"

:) I learned my lesson. It was loud and clear.

See and hear things only for what they are, not for what you think they are. :)

*************

This morning Raghav was sharing some things that he had heard and seen on BrainPop, on periods, the reproductive system and so on. He was asking me how I felt during my periods - whether I feel pain, whether it hurt like when we get a wound that bleeds, how much I knew about it and so on. 

After listening to my sharing, he wanted me to watch that video with him. And then we got talking about other things...like why the female reproductive organ is different from the male one, why the testes 'hang' down and outside the body, whether we can find out the sex of the foetus before it was born etc. So I told him how determining the sex of the foetus was banned here and why. We talked about female infanticide, marriage, dowry and stereotypes - how in many places young girls are not allowed to complete their education when they reach puberty, not allowed to work and earn their livelihood and forced to fit into the roles defined by others in the family - like staying at home, taking care of children and so on.

"But why would they kill baby girls now when they have so many years to go to go to school, earn money, get married and all that? How do they know what is going to happen after so many years now? Why do they feel that that is how it is going to be? Maybe all that will change no?", he asked.

I smiled. I had no answer to give or words to share with him. 

Yes, there is really nothing more simple to do than to stay with and in the moment, and yet that is often the hardest thing to do! Phew!

I Hate Advertisements!

Some days ago, while we were in the car, Raghav shared his displeasure about the ads that appear before the videos that he watches on Youtube.

"I hate those advertisements! Why do they even have those ads for videos?", he bellowed angrily.
And we talked about how they probably made money with those ads, because of which he was able to watch all his videos.

"But why do we need ads? Why can't people just go to the shop and buy what they want or feel like buying?", he added.

"Because then the buying or not depends on whether someone goes to the shop or not....and they perhaps want to make more money, they want more and more people to buy their products....that is why they put out ads....to put out a message about that product.....to tempt people to go looking for it and buy it," I said.

"Yes....I know....ads trick you," he continued. "Like I have seen that Johnson's shampoo and soap ad on Youtube, where they say that if you use it, your skin will be softer.....I have been using that shampoo for so long, but I don't feel that way.....that my skin is softer or anything...which means what they are saying is not completely right no?," he added. "That is why I never trust ads, even if they are interesting."

"Which one did you find interesting?"....I was curious to know.

"The Dove soap ad? That looks really interesting, but I would never go and buy a Dove soap....because I don't think what they say is true! I will never buy anything for which they show ads," he said. I smiled.

He wanted to know more about how they made money with ads, what are the various things which people advertise for and so on, and so we talked about ads for houses, cars, travelling, food and so on. I also shared with him how sometimes some stores advertise a sale that says -'buy two and get one free' and we spoke about how they perhaps adjust the price so that they don't lose much, or make a profit, and how people like us actually get fooled by that, as we think that we are getting something free, when we are actually not, and have paid for it in some ways. We also chatted about how sometimes they have ads for sales when they want to get rid of old stock - things not sold.

Here's how he reflected what he had understood. :)
"So that means, if there is a sale in a toyshop and they say that if you buy one car, you get one car free....and they say that you have to pay 200Rs., then actually the price of each car is 100Rs., but they sell it for 200Rs.?"
"Yes, so you are sometimes actually paying for two cars, thinking that you are paying for one only!," I added.
"Yes.....they are cheating us then," he exclaimed.

We then went on to talk about how we need to be more aware when we think of buying things, how the ads can play on our minds and what we need to think about before buying something.