A Child is the Father of Man

Hurt and wounded last night, with no other adult around to keep me warm, I looked to the only human being I knew, close to me.....my dear son. As I cried my heart out and yearned for the warmth of human skin against mine, I whispered to my son softly:"Pappa...I need a hug....a long hug.....will you give it to me?"
He was busy playing Minecraft, but he dropped everything he was doing, smiled softly, gave me a peck on my cheek and lay down on me, hugging me tightly for as long as I wanted. It was one of the most precious hugs.
And then I looked into his eyes as tears streamed down my face and asked him shamelessly:
"Will you be my appa (father) tonight? Will you go to sleep with me earlier than you usually do today? Will you hold me and sleep today, instead of the usual....my holding you? I think I really need that today."
He beamed, nodded his head, put his arm around my neck and shoulder, wiped the tears from my eyes and said:"Yes, I will."
And he did just that. For me. Without a word. Not asking me whys or whats or hows. Thank God for that, because I would not have known what to say.
So we went to sleep in each others arms, holding each other tight.....happy to be home. This one beautiful home that we have....each other.
And I woke up this morning with this thought - what would we do in this world without children?
For a child is the father of man. Naturally. No school or guru or book need teach him that.
Children simply know what we have forgotten and spend a lifetime learning.

The Things We Do For Love, With Love....

This morning, Raghav posed me a new challenge - he wanted to have Minecraft 'mobs' dosas for breakfast!! Yes, dosas in the shape of mobs from Minecraft.

At first, I told him how I thought that would be impossible for me to do, but he egged me on, saying he would help find pictures for me to copy. I asked if he could draw them out for me.
"But amma, why do you want me to draw? Can't you take a picture of those in your head and just go make them?", he asked.
"Yeah, I could. But I think it would help if you drew them out, as I could keep that paper with me in the kitchen while I make them, instead of going back and forth from the kitchen to the computer," I added.

So he acceded to my request and drew them out for me.....
One was a 'wither' with three heads, and the other was the 'side-view of an Enderman holding a block'!! :) Phew! Now that was going to be one helluva challenge for me! Well, I took it...

His instructions for me....

And I got down to work! Here was my canvas and  my brush......it was fun! :)

And here was how they turned out....my son was thrilled, despite arms and faces falling off!
"Not bad amma!", he said as he gobbled them up one by one.

The Wither

The Enderman - side-view, holding a block

The Enderman - turned and ready!

Yumm!

And then, I made one more for him, on my own, as a surprise!

Creeper face!

He had already washed his hands, when I told him that I had a surprise for him. And when he saw it, he beamed like a thousand light bulbs and said:"There is no way I am not going to eat that one!"

Sigh! The things we do for love, with love.....that's what makes this life worthwhile! :)

When you need a hug....

My husband was leaving for Madurai this morning. Raghav likes to be woken up to say bye, however late he has slept the previous night. So he did the same today. He likes the 'Madurai hug' as he calls it, where all three of us hug each other tight in a small circle. But this morning, he was too sleepy to get up and do that. So my husband just hugged him and said bye, before picking up his bags to leave.

He was already at the door, asking me to open it for him. There was no hug for me. I couldn't take that. I couldn't open the door within and without. He had forgotten to hug me before leaving. And that hurt like hell. I stood frozen and he suddenly realised what he had done or what he hadn't done. He stopped, put his bags down and came back. But I was upset and angry.

Well, I needed and wanted a hug. But I have trouble doing that on my own, I have trouble initiating. It takes a lot of effort for me to just get out of myself and out of my own way, to hug someone else. Most often. And so I waited for him to make the first move. But inside of me, there was no joy. There was the pain of being ignored, not understood, not loved, and even abandoned. I was crying inside, burning inside. These were the 'little' things that I 'expected' of the people I loved so dearly. But except my son, no one else seemed to understand me and love me the way I wanted to be loved. He would just 'know' spontaneously what to do with and for me when I was feeling low. And I haven't seen that kind of empathy with anyone else just yet. These were the thoughts going through my head. And as I was thinking those, the tears from inside started flowing out silently.

I shared what I was feeling with my husband. Raghav woke up and came to us. "What is going on?", he asked us. I was too overwhelmed with my emotions to speak. My husband told him that I was upset, but that he couldn't tell him more just yet. He went away after hanging around for a while.
As we usually do, we spoke our hearts and our minds, to each other. And everything was sorted out for now. I felt better after just sharing what I was feeling. After a long long time, I forced myself out of that hard, strong shell that I had locked myself in and hugged him. I realised then how empty of myself I had to be to really enjoy the hug. Words from a dear friend rang in my ears. Just a week ago, we had shared how we had to be empty of ourselves like children are.

My husband then left. After a while, Raghav asked me why I had been crying. And so I told him all that had happened. I shared with him how I could not be 'empty' like he is when he needs a hug or something else, or when he is interacting with us or someone else. I told him how much he understands me and gives me exactly what I need, without my asking him. I told him how much that means to me and what a great gift he has to know what I need. And then like a little child, I asked my little Guru: "So what do you think I should do or should have done? What do you do when you need a hug?"

"When you need a hug, you should just go and hug someone you love. That's what I do," he said most nonchalantly. Yes, that's what I need to do. That is my challenge. Time to empty myself of myself all over again.


Here is a link to the poem that was inspired by this incident:
Touch-me-not

Conversations

Conversations.
Yes, that's what we do for most parts of the day.
That's how we connect.
That's how we learn.
That's how we have fun.
Here are some from today....

***********

A Measure of Love

Of late, Raghav has been coming up to me and hugging and kissing me a lot, just out of the blue....when he is walking past, or when he comes close to me to share something with me, or when he suddenly remembers me and feels like doing that. It has been such a pleasure to be at the receiving end....every time my heart just fills up to the brim and overflows.....I am discovering this new way of being with him in the moment fully....and a sense of freedom...as if something between us has given (in a positive way)....and basking in this very 'different' kind of joy :)

So this afternoon, while I was sitting and reading something, he came up to me and hugged me, gave me two pecks on either cheek, which I returned, and said this: "Amma, do you know how much I love you and appa?"

I smiled and he added, looking into the sky for a moment: "I love you more than a million iPads!"
What a wonderful way of measuring love! :)

**************

See things for what they are!

I was talking to a friend on the phone while Raghav was first making his salad and then eating it. Just as he finished eating, he realised that I was still on the phone, and came up to me and said :" Amma, you are still on the phone! You have been talking for like two hours! When are you going to hang up?"

(I am not feeling guilty, but want to say that Raghav's estimate of time can be quite off the mark :) )

I laughed and shared that with my friend and we decided to hang up.

As soon as I hung up , Raghav turns around and tells me this:
"I didn't want or ask you to hang up. I only said that you were on the phone two hours! I am going to build with Lego now.....you can talk if you like!"

:) I learned my lesson. It was loud and clear.

See and hear things only for what they are, not for what you think they are. :)

*************

This morning Raghav was sharing some things that he had heard and seen on BrainPop, on periods, the reproductive system and so on. He was asking me how I felt during my periods - whether I feel pain, whether it hurt like when we get a wound that bleeds, how much I knew about it and so on. 

After listening to my sharing, he wanted me to watch that video with him. And then we got talking about other things...like why the female reproductive organ is different from the male one, why the testes 'hang' down and outside the body, whether we can find out the sex of the foetus before it was born etc. So I told him how determining the sex of the foetus was banned here and why. We talked about female infanticide, marriage, dowry and stereotypes - how in many places young girls are not allowed to complete their education when they reach puberty, not allowed to work and earn their livelihood and forced to fit into the roles defined by others in the family - like staying at home, taking care of children and so on.

"But why would they kill baby girls now when they have so many years to go to go to school, earn money, get married and all that? How do they know what is going to happen after so many years now? Why do they feel that that is how it is going to be? Maybe all that will change no?", he asked.

I smiled. I had no answer to give or words to share with him. 

Yes, there is really nothing more simple to do than to stay with and in the moment, and yet that is often the hardest thing to do! Phew!

Minecraft - Enemies and Friends!

I love the long conversations we have every morning, as soon as Raghav wakes up, even if they mostly focus on Minecraft  these days, about which I know very little! That time is precious, as of late it has been the only time in the day when Raghav gives me his complete attention and is away from the iPad, besides ofcourse the time we go cycling. And so, it is almost like a morning song for me. I love listening to his words with their characteristic cadence, his recent switch from a predominantly British accent to the new sing-song American accent, words rolling like marbles over his tongue, and his inimitable expressions that accompany them. I wouldn't want to exchange this time for anything else in the world! :)

A few days ago, Raghav and I were in the midst of one such morning conversation, that sometimes can last for more than an hour. He was wanting me to learn some of the characters in Minecraft (creepers, endermen, ghasts, zombies, etc.), what they do, how they can be destroyed and so on. He was explaining to me why they were enemies and how one could tame them and make them one's friends, so that they would help you against other enemies. It sounded interesting and I was all ears!

Here is what he said:

"Amma, they are your enemies, but you can tame them. To tame them, you have to destroy them or kill them first. Then, they will leave something behind, which you can take and use to tame them and make them your friends....and what they drop or leave behind is what is precious to them and they use to attack you sometimes...so if you pick that up when they get destroyed, and right click on that, you will see lot of hearts coming out, which means that you start loving them, and then they will become your minion and help you....so even though they were your enemies, you can make them your friends by loving them and by using their weapon to make them your friend."

What a wonderful life lesson learned through play! Yes, ultimately love is the only emotion that has the power to break a heart open to love isn't it?

"You Give Me Love"

Raghav and I were talking this morning about a sudden trip that had come up - to visit my cousin in Bangalore over this weekend, as he was moving back to the U.S. We initially thought we would go see him and Raghav agreed, but later we decided against it as Srinath felt that it would be too much driving from here to Bangalore to Madurai and then Kodai, and that it would be too tiring. So I was explaining to Raghav how we had decided against the Bangalore trip.

Raghav was visibly sad and expressed it. He shared how he was sad about cancelling the trip as the reason why he had wanted to go to Bangalore was because the three of us hadn't gone anywhere for many months now. We then spoke about how we could plan a long holiday after the monsoons and so on. During the course of that discussion, I also shared with him as to how I feel when we go on holiday and he sits mostly with his iPad inside the room, and how difficult it is for us to get him to do anything else with us, or even for us to go somewhere on our own. So I told him how we were okay to wait for as long as it takes, to go somewhere, until he was ready to let go of his iPad atleast for some time, during the trip.

He immediately got upset and was in tears. He asked to be left alone like he usually does when he is experiencing an intense emotion. And so I let him be. Later, when he was ready to talk, I hugged him while he sat on my lap and asked him why he was upset. He said that he really wanted us to go somewhere together and also felt that I was getting angry with him when I spoke about the iPad. I wiped his tears and shared why I had said what I had said. I told him that I was merely expressing my need - to be out when on a trip, rather than being stuck inside a room. He was still in tears and told me how he was trying his best to convince me to go somewhere with him, but that I was getting angry about it. I realised then that there was perhaps something more to it than what he was expressing.

So I asked if he was not okay with my wanting to go away for a few days next week, to be with myself. He nodded and said 'yes'.

"Are you okay to not be okay?", I asked.

"Yes, I am.....I know that you need that time."

My heart broke open with one blow when I heard that. I was amazed that he could actually express how he felt about this, and also be okay and choose to stay with his sadness and discomfort.

I shared with him how happy I was because he was giving me that space and time. I told him how I was also so happy that he was choosing to stay with his sadness and discomfort. 

But the mother in me took over at that point and I asked him if he really wished I could cancel my trip. And he said 'no'. 

"It will not be the same without you around, but it's okay", he said softly, wiping his own tears.

My heart broke open a little more.

I thought a little before speaking and then asked: "What is it that you get from my just being around? What is it that I give you?"

Pat came the reply....

"Love...you give me love", he said, hugging me a little more tightly.

My heart was now ripped wide open. The rawness of the emotions engulfed me. And I sobbed.

I sobbed uncontrollably, my heart pounding and overflowing with love and joy, and he cried too, while we sat and hugged each other for a long time. I could have died at that moment....maybe I did :)

My little baby was talking about love. He was seeing me for who I was. What more can any human being or mother want?

And then we spoke a little more about love, how we cannot see it but can only feel it like the air or the wind...

...and we adjusted our sails and changed our course...both of us going our own ways...

The Butterfly by the Door

Last night, Raghav and I were going down to see my friend for a little while, as she was going in for a surgery today. Just as we walked out through our door, we saw a little black and yellow butterfly in the passage outside. The bright colours caught our eyes. We stopped and stooped down to take a closer look. Raghav noticed that she had probably hurt her wing and could not fly. But she was trying to move. We wondered together how she could have got there on the twelfth floor. Raghav was worried if she was going to die as she could not fly to get her food. "She is so beautiful!", he whispered softly, looking at her with loving eyes. We held her in our thoughts as we moved on.

When we got back about ten or fifteen minutes later, we looked for the butterfly. She was no longer in the same place. She had moved. We found her lying still, quite close to the doormat of our house. She was dead. We stooped down again to see her closely. "I think she moved on her own, with that hurt wing. I think she probably knew that we cared, and that's why she moved close to our house," he said, as we walked in through the door. He was probably right.

We didn't think of burying her or saying a prayer. We simply held her with love in our hearts, acknowledging her quiet presence in our house that moment. This morning, when I opened the front door, her frail form was still lying there outside the door. She was gone and was yet there in a way.

Death brings one closer to love and the fragility of all that is, however big or small.

I love myself :)

Raghav suffers from constipation off and on. A while ago, he was on the potty and screaming that his backside was burning. He does have a very low tolerance for pain of any sort. Once he came out of the loo and was getting dressed when he felt a little better, he wiped his tears, smiled and said: "Ah! I love myself!". I smiled back and asked him why. "Because my body healed from it so quickly....I am already feeling better," he said. "...And only when I love myself can I love anybody else, like you or appa".

I was deeply touched and shaken by these profound truths from an eight year old. "But why do you need to love yourself to love somebody else?", I asked, looking to understand how he had made sense of all these things. "...Yeah amma, only when I love myself, can I love you or appa or anybody else. If I don't love myself, then I will be too sad to do anything, and then no one else can do anything for me, because I will refuse. So then, I will stay like that, and not even eat anything, and will die. Then I can't even love! So I have to love myself!"

What a complicated labyrinth of love we weave every moment, when all of it starts and ends with loving oneself! :)