Minecraft, Trust and Friendship

It is funny and strange how some conversations have their seed in the past and in the future. Much like a dandelion....some conversations start in one place and their many seeds are carried over and across to so many spaces and interactions over time....and it is beautiful to see the pattern, the flow and the journey those seeds take. This was one such conversation....

Yesterday, Raghav expressed a desire to play Minecraft with friends. I was suggesting that he go online and play, as none of his friends here were into Minecraft.

"But I have to have seen or know the person I play with. I cannot play with someone I don't know," he said quite emphatically.

And so he wanted us (my husband and me) to play with him. I agreed to try if he taught me, and also asked if he would like me to ask my friend's son who he had met here and played Minecraft with a few months ago. He was immediately all excited. So I sat and wrote to her, sharing his request.

"But why do you feel that you cannot play with someone you don't know?", I prodded on.
"Because I don't trust them. I cannot play with someone I don't trust....someone whose identity I don't know," he added. And we left it at that.

Later at night, I was telling Raghav how I was going to be in another room, talking to my friend on skype. "Who is that? Is it ***?", he asked. I smiled and said 'yes'.
"But how do you talk to *** when you haven't even seen *** before?", he asked quite surprised.
"I don't know...but I like talking to *** and *** is my friend," I said.
Strangely, my friend and I also ended up talking about trust in our conversation although the conversations flowed from elsewhere! :)

This morning, I broached the same topics again with him.
"Yesterday, you were talking about trust....how you can't trust someone you haven't met or don't know....so what does trust mean to you? What does it make you feel inside?", I asked.
With a little more prodding and some choices, he was able to tell me how with some people that he trusted, he was relaxed, comfortable and happy, and how with some others he felt anxious. And then, he came up with this...

"Both people have to feel the same way about trust, for them to trust each other," he said.

"Like I trust you and appa and Joel and Sadie and thatha and patti....and I feel that with the three of us, we feel the same way about trust.....do you think you and appa feel the same way about trust, the way I do?", he asked.

"....I think you do....but with my friends and thatha and patti, I am not sure they feel the same way about trust like I do.....so if I were to play Minecraft with you or appa, and you kill me, then the next time, I would still play the same thing with you again......but with anyone else, even if I trust them, if they kill me in Minecraft, I cannot and will not play that again with them....but I may play something else. So I trust them for some things, but not other things," he added.

"Yes....I understand....so you feel that you can trust appa and me for everything and that we three feel the same way about trust....yes, and  that is how I feel with this friend of mine too....I trust *** for everything. Trust is something that I just know and feel inside," I said.

What a beautiful conversation that was....much like a piece of embroidery, being woven slowly with magic and wonder and a lot of heart. Yes, trust is the basis of any relationship....the foundation....on which everything else gets created. Trust is like a stick-it note - it just is or happens in the very first moment of the interaction...and once it is peeled off or removed, it will not stick on easily again.

When in Doubt.....Ask!

I love the way this article has been written...light and easy...just like play...

The Childhood We Wish We Had

Yes, I have been in the space that Pam shares here in the article...I have celebrated and mourned my childhood, and both were needed for me to ease into play and living and learning with my child...

I still do have some inhibitions, but am more accepting and aware of those, and so is he.....and my dear husband makes up for what I cannot give or do for whatever reasons...for things I am still coming to terms with or figuring out.....and that is what I find so beautiful about life....there are just so many ways in which these cracks are filled up effortlessly....

Last night, just before going to bed, Raghav and I were talking a bit...about how he learns and about our journey now...It feels good to do a 'reality check' with him every now and then....air my doubts and questions. To me, he is a little person who is getting to know himself just like I am.....and so we talk a lot about a whole lot of things...including ourselves - how we think, feel and learn.

When I am in doubt, I just ask him. Yes. That's what I do. Simple and straight. If I am worried about his meltdowns, we sit down and talk about it. I share my worries and my fears and my inadequacies of handling situations. If I am concerned about his lack of outdoor play, I share my concerns, why I feel the way I do, emphasize my needs, talk about my fears, ask him why he is not interested and so on. If the fear of his not making friends comes up, I sit down and ask him how he is feeling about being without friends, whether he misses them, why or why not, suggest ways he could make new friends, and ask if we should have some of them over.

When I am in doubt, I just ask. And that has worked wonders for us until now. It often opens up a space where anything and everything can be offered, suggested, listened to, asked, discussed and argued about. A space where we both learn something new about each other and ourselves. A space which helps us get more grounded in the choices we have made, or shaken up beliefs that no longer serve us. And I am so grateful for this space that we share. It has been the place where maximum learning has occured for both of us....and I cherish that.

So last night, I shared with him what was on my mind. I asked him whether he thought we should 'be' with him in a different way....suggest more things, do more things with him and in other ways. I asked him what he wanted us to do while he was on the iPad or doing his own thing. I asked him how he felt about us just 'letting him be'....whether he wanted or expected something that we were not giving or doing for him. And this is what he said: "Amma, you are doing the right thing by just letting me be. I know when I need you and I will ask. I like to learn this way - by myself..... If you suggest something and that sounds interesting to me, I would love to do it. You can be however you want with me. It doesn't matter. If something is a secret and I don't want you to watch it, I will tell you. But I am happy with this way."

Was I asking for validation? Was I unsure of boundaries? Was I reeling in self-doubt? Was I giving him too much power and choice? Maybe. And maybe not. It depends on how we really want to see things isn't it?....through what lens do we want to view some thing? And that is why I feel intent is key. Intent is something that only the person thinking or doing something can really know. All else is speculation and judgement. One has to be honest with one's own self. All else is quite immaterial. So yes, I know why I spoke with my son....why I have these heart-to-heart conversations with him every now and then. It is a way I have found - to be vulnerable with him about my own fears and doubts. It is a space where I can feel and share with him the pain and joys of being simply human. Messy. Imperfect. Beautiful.Ugly. It is a space where I can perfect the art of diving deeper into my utter humanness.

So how do you play with your child? 
Do you play with him the way he would like you to? 
Do you push yourself because of your unfulfilled childhood?
Do you just rest into what comes naturally to you without wanting to become somebody you really are not?
Do you feel comfortable and happy and truly enjoy being the way you are?
Do you ever ask him when you are in doubt?

I would love to listen to your thoughts.....

Explaining Unschooling

Yesterday, we were at my dad's place for lunch as he had a friend and co-activist from the UK, over for lunch. He was a warm old man with lots of endearing stories about his family and grandchildren. Amongst many other things that ranged from government policies to activism to social boycott to corruption, we also discussed unschooling. Because he was fascinated by what we were doing with our son.

We had almost the usual barrage of questions, with the only difference this time being a keen interest on his part (unlike many others we have faced) to understand what it was that we were doing and how. Here are some:

So do you follow a currciulum?

You must have a hard time being at home and taking care of all of your son's learning?
What about pushing him to learn things that he does not like learning? Don't you see a need to do that?

There is just so much out there in the world in terms of knowledge. It is impossible I agree to give him a taste of everything. But what about learning things that he needs to know if he has to get into the real world?

What about physical fitness and sport? Do you do anything to encourage and actively engage him in something like that?

What about getting into university or pursuing higher education? Would he not be required to sit for exams then? Will they accept him without his taking exams or without certificates? What about subjects like calculus? Subjects that you may not be able to teach him?

I loved the questions! Not only for being questions, but because the space that they were offered in, opened up and cleared up so many things. Life has a knack of being efficient - getting so many things done with minimal effort! For one, we have not sat down and answered questions that were perhaps simmering inside my parents' hearts. We have shared our points of view and beliefs in passing as and when some queries came up, but not in this way. Perhaps the need did not arise. Perhaps it was not the right moment for that. I don't know.

Both my husband and I believe that time is a great healer, and so many a time, when we have had arguments or misunderstandings amongst ourselves or with others in the family, we have just laid things to rest. And they have been sorted out on their own, with time, after the in-the-moment outbursts. It has often worked well for us. So even with explaining our decision to homeschool our son, we just informed our parents, briefly explained why and left it at that. We never felt a need to defend our decision or clarify things, unless we were asked to explain something by them. And so this moment today, came after many years into our journey into homeschooling.

We sat down and shared our points of view with him and what we believed in. For once, it felt so so good to have my husband speak up and share about our journey from his heart, while I added my tidbits when I felt drawn to do that. It was freeing to just sit back and listen and watch in silence for most of the time.

Although his questions were addressed and answered like we usually do, I realised that the mojo of unschooling or the living and learning journey is TRUST and SURRENDER - both of which are so hard to get across to someone who speaks from their mind-space. How does one tell and make another understand how to trust their children and life and yet live in this 'real' world? How does one 'show' people how unschooling works - because there is really nothing to 'show', and most of the time we are not 'doing' anything? If someone were to come and spend a day with us, it would surely seem like we actually do nothing! Almost all our learning happens through simple conversations, or in the silent pauses, in meltdowns and heartaches, and the simple nondescript ordinariness of everyday moments, flowing seamlessly into each other. That is where the inspiration is.

And this trust and surrender to each moment is the hardest part of the process and journey to transfer or transmit to another....quite impossible. And yet, I feel that this is the essence.