When in Doubt.....Ask!

I love the way this article has been written...light and easy...just like play...

The Childhood We Wish We Had

Yes, I have been in the space that Pam shares here in the article...I have celebrated and mourned my childhood, and both were needed for me to ease into play and living and learning with my child...

I still do have some inhibitions, but am more accepting and aware of those, and so is he.....and my dear husband makes up for what I cannot give or do for whatever reasons...for things I am still coming to terms with or figuring out.....and that is what I find so beautiful about life....there are just so many ways in which these cracks are filled up effortlessly....

Last night, just before going to bed, Raghav and I were talking a bit...about how he learns and about our journey now...It feels good to do a 'reality check' with him every now and then....air my doubts and questions. To me, he is a little person who is getting to know himself just like I am.....and so we talk a lot about a whole lot of things...including ourselves - how we think, feel and learn.

When I am in doubt, I just ask him. Yes. That's what I do. Simple and straight. If I am worried about his meltdowns, we sit down and talk about it. I share my worries and my fears and my inadequacies of handling situations. If I am concerned about his lack of outdoor play, I share my concerns, why I feel the way I do, emphasize my needs, talk about my fears, ask him why he is not interested and so on. If the fear of his not making friends comes up, I sit down and ask him how he is feeling about being without friends, whether he misses them, why or why not, suggest ways he could make new friends, and ask if we should have some of them over.

When I am in doubt, I just ask. And that has worked wonders for us until now. It often opens up a space where anything and everything can be offered, suggested, listened to, asked, discussed and argued about. A space where we both learn something new about each other and ourselves. A space which helps us get more grounded in the choices we have made, or shaken up beliefs that no longer serve us. And I am so grateful for this space that we share. It has been the place where maximum learning has occured for both of us....and I cherish that.

So last night, I shared with him what was on my mind. I asked him whether he thought we should 'be' with him in a different way....suggest more things, do more things with him and in other ways. I asked him what he wanted us to do while he was on the iPad or doing his own thing. I asked him how he felt about us just 'letting him be'....whether he wanted or expected something that we were not giving or doing for him. And this is what he said: "Amma, you are doing the right thing by just letting me be. I know when I need you and I will ask. I like to learn this way - by myself..... If you suggest something and that sounds interesting to me, I would love to do it. You can be however you want with me. It doesn't matter. If something is a secret and I don't want you to watch it, I will tell you. But I am happy with this way."

Was I asking for validation? Was I unsure of boundaries? Was I reeling in self-doubt? Was I giving him too much power and choice? Maybe. And maybe not. It depends on how we really want to see things isn't it?....through what lens do we want to view some thing? And that is why I feel intent is key. Intent is something that only the person thinking or doing something can really know. All else is speculation and judgement. One has to be honest with one's own self. All else is quite immaterial. So yes, I know why I spoke with my son....why I have these heart-to-heart conversations with him every now and then. It is a way I have found - to be vulnerable with him about my own fears and doubts. It is a space where I can feel and share with him the pain and joys of being simply human. Messy. Imperfect. Beautiful.Ugly. It is a space where I can perfect the art of diving deeper into my utter humanness.

So how do you play with your child? 
Do you play with him the way he would like you to? 
Do you push yourself because of your unfulfilled childhood?
Do you just rest into what comes naturally to you without wanting to become somebody you really are not?
Do you feel comfortable and happy and truly enjoy being the way you are?
Do you ever ask him when you are in doubt?

I would love to listen to your thoughts.....

Explaining Unschooling

Yesterday, we were at my dad's place for lunch as he had a friend and co-activist from the UK, over for lunch. He was a warm old man with lots of endearing stories about his family and grandchildren. Amongst many other things that ranged from government policies to activism to social boycott to corruption, we also discussed unschooling. Because he was fascinated by what we were doing with our son.

We had almost the usual barrage of questions, with the only difference this time being a keen interest on his part (unlike many others we have faced) to understand what it was that we were doing and how. Here are some:

So do you follow a currciulum?

You must have a hard time being at home and taking care of all of your son's learning?
What about pushing him to learn things that he does not like learning? Don't you see a need to do that?

There is just so much out there in the world in terms of knowledge. It is impossible I agree to give him a taste of everything. But what about learning things that he needs to know if he has to get into the real world?

What about physical fitness and sport? Do you do anything to encourage and actively engage him in something like that?

What about getting into university or pursuing higher education? Would he not be required to sit for exams then? Will they accept him without his taking exams or without certificates? What about subjects like calculus? Subjects that you may not be able to teach him?

I loved the questions! Not only for being questions, but because the space that they were offered in, opened up and cleared up so many things. Life has a knack of being efficient - getting so many things done with minimal effort! For one, we have not sat down and answered questions that were perhaps simmering inside my parents' hearts. We have shared our points of view and beliefs in passing as and when some queries came up, but not in this way. Perhaps the need did not arise. Perhaps it was not the right moment for that. I don't know.

Both my husband and I believe that time is a great healer, and so many a time, when we have had arguments or misunderstandings amongst ourselves or with others in the family, we have just laid things to rest. And they have been sorted out on their own, with time, after the in-the-moment outbursts. It has often worked well for us. So even with explaining our decision to homeschool our son, we just informed our parents, briefly explained why and left it at that. We never felt a need to defend our decision or clarify things, unless we were asked to explain something by them. And so this moment today, came after many years into our journey into homeschooling.

We sat down and shared our points of view with him and what we believed in. For once, it felt so so good to have my husband speak up and share about our journey from his heart, while I added my tidbits when I felt drawn to do that. It was freeing to just sit back and listen and watch in silence for most of the time.

Although his questions were addressed and answered like we usually do, I realised that the mojo of unschooling or the living and learning journey is TRUST and SURRENDER - both of which are so hard to get across to someone who speaks from their mind-space. How does one tell and make another understand how to trust their children and life and yet live in this 'real' world? How does one 'show' people how unschooling works - because there is really nothing to 'show', and most of the time we are not 'doing' anything? If someone were to come and spend a day with us, it would surely seem like we actually do nothing! Almost all our learning happens through simple conversations, or in the silent pauses, in meltdowns and heartaches, and the simple nondescript ordinariness of everyday moments, flowing seamlessly into each other. That is where the inspiration is.

And this trust and surrender to each moment is the hardest part of the process and journey to transfer or transmit to another....quite impossible. And yet, I feel that this is the essence.

It's Time!

Last week, the only digital clock we had in the house for Raghav, conked suddenly after a power surge. It was a clock gifted to us by my father-in-law for some special occasion. I however, didn't see it as a gift then, as the songs it sang on the hour were just too loud for my ears.....loud enough to wake up even the dead :)....and I did not like a constant reminder to tell me how the day and time were flowing by!

But that clock proved to be a gift nevertheless. A gift for Raghav, who finally got to understand the passage and language of time in a world that we are inevitably bound to and have to live in, in many ways still. It proved to be a boon for us, as we had fewer meltdowns when we had to leave to go somewhere, or when we had to stop something suddenly, or when he had to wait. He finally started understanding and relating to the different times of day and what exactly we meant by 'two minutes' or 'ten minutes', in the language of a world outside of him.

And then, we all started loving it. When we wanted to know the time and date, we would go to this clock. It was simple, easy and convenient. For all of us. The song on the hour just blended into the other sounds of the day. It didn't bother us. It became a part of our house and our day, without us having to give much thought to it. It was only when someone visited or stayed with us or asked if the chime was the doorbell or phone ringing, that we remembered our clock :)

We have quite a few clocks in the house, but Raghav could not read the time in those. He did not want to even try. He found it too confusing, and so always went to this one. So when this clock suddenly stopped working, Raghav was the first one who felt the loss.
"What will I do now to find out the time?", he asked. "I don't have any clock now."
"Well, yes that clock seems to have conked, but you can read the time on my phone or the iPad or the computer," I said.
"It won't be the same," Raghav mumbled.
"Yes...I know...or do you want to try and read the time on this clock?", I asked quietly, pointing to the clock hanging on our bedroom wall. It was the usual one.
He thought for a few moments and said: "I don't think I can, but it's okay....let's try."

That was a huge step forward. I smiled and together we got down to figuring out what each hand of the clock was trying to show. And we realised that there were just three things he needed to know to read the time:

• that there are two hands - one longer than the other
• that one showed the hour, while the other showed the minutes
• that the numbers and markings on the clock signified intervals of 5 minutes

(He already knew that there were 60 minutes in an hour and also knew his numbers and how to count in 5s.)

It took him barely two minutes to figure out how to read the time on this clock. And just through the usual conversations we had. All he had to do was to see where the shorter hand was, where the longer one was, and to count in 5s from 12 until that point. And he figured this out on his own! Soon, he was happily reading the time out for me, every few minutes, beaming from ear to ear! :)

It's time perhaps that he learned how to read this clock. He made the choice to learn what he wanted to, when he wanted to and how he wanted to. When he made this choice, the learning was effortless and complete.

And yes, it's time only when we think that it's time.....not a moment before that! :)

Learning Happens....Shit Happens!

Yes, I have been a teacher. Yes, I have been worried out of my wits about learning and jumped for joy when I thought it had happened. Yes, I made elaborate lesson plans that had to be thrown out of the window, prepared objectives that never ended or were just too hard to reach, thought of strategies that often helped me more than the kid, created teaching materials akin to works of art and evaluated others more than I did myself!

All along, I had this awry notion that children were incapable of "learning" on their own and that they needed to be "taught". Everything that I did  as a teacher and parent, stemmed from that one notion or idea. While I thought I was being child-centric,  I was actually being self-centred. Because the whole process and joy of learning started with me and rested on my ability to "teach" them skills that were necessary for life...but, whose life was it?

Did I really know each of them (my students/ kids) so well that I could decide what they needed to learn and how? 
Did I truly give them control over their environment and learning? Or did I give them pseudo-control?
Did I have the time to sit with them and understand the core of their being and what drove their spirit?
Did I care enough to just sit and be with them and their feelings as they arose from their inner depths, without attributing any of those to "issues"or "behaviours" or "emotional problems" or even just "difficulties"?
Did I deeply "know" their strengths and their passions or gloss over those, to slot them (as "skills to be learned") into convenient holes in what I called and someone (who had no clue about them as people) framed as "the curriculum"?
Did I want to kindle their love and zest for life and learning, or "help" them  and frame them for life so they could ride the waves, without knowing what it was to get wet and messy and learn how to swim?

Sadly, and even with the best of intentions, I perhaps didn't do most of  the above while I was a young teacher of kids with special needs and then a parent who relied heavily on her teaching background to bring up her child. Perhaps that's why I was burnt out and wanted to quit my job - because I wasn't following my heart; I was following my mind. Perhaps that's why I have now come to tread this path of unschooling with my son, who happens to be my greatest teacher of life and living. Is it perhaps a way for me to make peace with what once was? Is it the way it was meant to unfold and help me discover myself a little more? I don't know.

But I have come to ponder on some questions that I never bothered to ask before.
Why is there so much ado about learning?
Why do we want to simulate reality and prepare their lives or prepare them for life, instead of waiting and watching the magic unfold?
Why have we forgotten how to be children and stop and wonder about the little miracles that life uncovers for us every day, every moment?
Why do we want to "manufacture" and "produce" learning?
Why do we want to make learning a "package deal" instead of unwrapping the package like a child opening a gift, with love and joy and sweet anticipation?
Why do we fret and fume over something that seems to happen naturally, just like "shit happens"?!

Yes, that is how I have come to understand learning - the learning that happens with my son, and perhaps most kids in the world, if only we give them a free hand to choose what they want to learn, how they want to learn and for how long they want to learn. Do we give children a choice in these matters? Do we encourage them to follow the path they want to tread, even if it is not the one we as their parents are walking on? Do we trust implicitly in their ability to think and learn everything that they need and want to know?  I wish we did. For then, they would learn to fly like the birds learn to fly and swim like the fish learn to swim.....on their own, and not because someone taught them to do that.

Man is by nature a learning animal. Birds fly, fish swim; man thinks and learns.”

- John Holt from How Children Learn

Because learning just happens, like shit happens! It happens when it has to and how it has to. It is not something that can be controlled and coerced to happen or taught from the outside.  It is inherent; it is natural. Because that is how it was meant to be. That is what I have come to believe.

So, one is not bound by time and space for learning to happen. It happens in its own time, in its own space and at its own pace. It happens in the bathroom, on the road, while eating, or arguing, as one opens one's eyes to see the day, or in the wispy dreams that one dreams at night. It happens in the most unexpected places, jumping out to surprise you like a Jack-in-the-box! It happens quietly and surely, like the breath that flows in and out. It happens even when you don't see it happen - in the silent spaces that flow between doing and not doing. It happens when one is "doing nothing". It just happens, like life.

Learning happens as we live each day, unhurried and complete... when we are truly alive in this moment....just as we nourish our bodies and yet don't wait endlessly for something (like shit :)) to happen. It just happens.

So then, why do we feel this gorging need to "teach" or "do" things with kids and a nerve-wrecking worry if children will learn and how they will learn? I think it is because we have compartmentalized learning and packed it into neat, air-tight boxes, stacked in a particular order. We have as many theories and philosophies as there are people, one contradicting or critiquing the other. We have definitions and labels and norms and standards. Learning has become too complicated. We have killed its inherent innocence and simplicity. We have caged the free bird that it actually is, and then sit and wonder or worry about how and whether it will ever fly. We have dammed learning and evacuated free will and thinking. We have lost touch with ourselves and forgotten that it is in our very nature, to think and learn.

We don't need "teachers" today. We need more adults to become children, as "co-creators" and "co-learners". We need to find the child within each of us that is still alive and calling out for attention from some forgotten corner. We need to hold hands with our children and look into the gorgeous heavens with a fresh wonder and joy every single day....without that voice inside our head asking if it is a session on geography or nature study or poetry...We need to wake up everyday with love in our hearts and an unflinching trust in ourselves and our children - that we are human; that we are here alive on this planet, to learn from and with each other, in every waking moment, what we need to and want to learn....not because we have to reach for a star or be literate or pay our bills, but because we are here to discover what drives our spirit and hearts, to open the doors to a world of infinite possibilities.

"Next to the right to life itself, the most fundamental of all human rights is the right to control our own minds and thoughts. That means, the right to decide for ourselves how we will explore the world around us, think about our own and other persons' experiences, and find and make the meaning of our own lives. Whoever takes that right away from us, as the educators do, attacks the very center of our being and does us a most profound and lasting injury. He tells us, in effect, that we cannot be trusted even to think, that for all our lives we must depend on others to tell us the meaning of our world and our lives, and that any meaning we may make for ourselves, out of our own experience, has no value." ~ John Holt