Don't pack your worries, pack your trust

We were in the car this morning, on our way to my parents' house for the ceremony to be done at the  end of the first month after my father's passing. Raghav usually wakes up very late in the morning and today I had to wake him up much earlier than usual. He was a bit grumpy about that and took time to get ready.

Since we had no time to talk about the menu for the day and so on, I had already made his lunch, which I thought I would take with us, so he could have it there if he wanted to. But when I asked him, he said that he would come back home earlier than he had the last time and eat lunch at home. So he did not want me to pack anything for him. Well I, anticipating trouble and a possible meltdown as it usually happened when his routine got disrupted and when he couldn't pay attention to his body, decided to pack a few snacks and his lunch anyway. As we were leaving the house, he asked me why I was doing that, as he had already told me his plan. I was in a rush to leave and so brushed it aside saying that it would not do us any harm to just carry a few things along anyway.....'just in case'!

While in the car, he asked me again as to why I had packed food for him. And for the first time, I was able to share with him all the thoughts that were going on inside me honestly and minutely. I realised as I was speaking to him, that I had not packed food for him...I had packed my worries. Here is what I told him:
"I know you told me not to pack anything, but I was worried and anxious as to what might happen later if you suddenly felt hungry....often you have jumped and screamed and asked for things to be made and given in an instant, or been particular about what you wanted to eat, refusing to eat what was available. So I thought that it was better to be prepared for that, as I was scared that I would not be able to handle that if it happened."

R: "But I already told you that I didn't need anything no? I understand that I can't have that even if I want it...."

Me: "Yes, right now you understand. But at that moment when you are so hungry, you might not be in a position to understand no? Or your understanding might change.....or you might change your mind."

R: "But I was prepared for that."

Me: "So are you telling me that I didn't trust you and that I should trust you when you say that and not pack anything for you when you don't want me to?"

R: "Yes."

I realised then that what I had packed was not food but my worries and my fears....and here he was asking me to pack trust! I was filled with the anxiety and fear of how I might not have control over something that could happen, and that fear was stopping me from experiencing what Life was perhaps bringing me, fully...it was stopping me from experiencing a lightness, joy and ease.

And like it usually happens with him, the end is never an ideal fairy-tale end to another beautiful story....the kind that most people (like me) would anticipate. It was an end that was the beginning of yet another mystery in some ways....for he did change his mind when we got there, and had the lunch that I had packed! :)

Looking back now, yes, I had made a choice based on a pattern that was already sitting inside me....a choice which brought up a fear....but it was also a choice that brought me back to look at another part of myself....because I chose to look at it as I chose to listen to my son and feel a 'rightness' in what he was sharing or bringing up. Yes, I always have a choice as to what I want to look at in a given moment. But do I want to see that? Would I ever come to know which choice would have been right or wrong? Does that even matter really? Or does it matter only that I am open to seeing more....more of myself?

And maybe that is what trust is about....
It is what emerges when I make a choice-less choice in the moment...when I go out ready to be molded and shaped by life.

Of Battles, Corn Puffs and Self-Discipline

Raghav loves eating corn puffs....the bright orange, sticky, spicy stuff that comes in packets, which we get fresh only in one store. That is probably the only 'junk' food he loves - no aerated drinks, juices and chips in packets. Not for him. But some months ago, he had two root canals done and stopped eating chocolates and this on his own. If someone brought him chocolates, he would politely refuse to take them, saying that he didn't eat them anymore. We thought that was the end of his explorations with these foods. But knowing how he likes to form his own boundaries, we should have known better! :)

Suddenly, a few days ago, he expressed a desire to eat corn puffs again. I guess he was reminded of it when we passed that store. Both Srinath and I said that we would like to talk about it a little more before deciding on anything, but we all forgot. A little while ago, Raghav remembered again and wanted to have a discussion. This is how it went.....

R: I really want to have corn puffs again.

Me: Why do you want it again now?

R: Because I love the feeling in my mouth when I eat it, and the taste. It kind of just melts in my mouth, and it is so easy to eat....I don't have to chew at all....

Me: Ok. So you like it because it is so easy to eat and it melts in your mouth? How about 'pori' (puffed rice)? You love that too don't you? That also melts in the mouth and is easy to eat no?

R: Yes, but corn puffs is different. It has holes in it, through which the saliva goes in and soaks it up. Pori takes longer to melt and is not so tasty. I like the taste and the feeling of the corn puffs in my mouth.

Me: Yeah...I understand.....but I am worried about your eating corn puffs, because you don't or forget to gargle your mouth after eating anything, and don't like to be reminded too....and I am worried that you might get your tooth problems again....do you remember what the dentist told you about cleaning your teeth after every meal, especially after eating sticky food?

R: Yes. But I will gargle and clean my teeth. I will make it a routine. Let's do one thing....here is my plan....we buy one packet of corn puffs for the whole week. I will eat only half a cup each day and only one time. Let's see how long that one packet lasts. And I will clean my teeth after each time.

S: But there is one more thing I am worried about. How do you know what there is in that corn puff? Does it list the ingredients? What if it has some chemicals or stuff that is not good for your body. We don't know what they put in it.

R: It must be made of corn flour. It does have ingredients listed on it. I like the taste and feeling.

Me: So you would rather have it because you like that taste and feeling, than think about what it might have, even if that  might not be good for your body?

S: Then why do you insist that we buy organic vegetables? We can eat anything no?

R (telling us the story with his hands): See...let me tell you....it's like this...suppose there is a battle of two teams....one team, which is the 'taste and feeling of corn puffs team' has 100 soldiers, and the other which is the 'organic' team has 90 soldiers....the 'taste and feeling' team wins because it is stronger.

We laughed and continued....it is great fun having these conversations! :)

Me: But isn't that unfair? One team is already stronger than the other. It will always win!

S: So going with the taste and feeling is stronger than whether it is organic or not or full of chemicals or not?

R: Yes. So if it is a battle between two teams - the 'organic' team which has 100 soldiers and the 'taste' team which has 90 soldiers, then the 'organic' team will win, because it is more important for me to eat organic vegetables than just eat anything else for taste.

The choice was made, the decision sealed! And I guess learning to discipline one's self, has to come from within, not without... and yes, it comes at a cost....a cost which one cannot measure if one measures it with the usual yardsticks.

Trust

Just yesterday I wrote something about trusting children and life, and today Life decides to give me a test on that! Much like a surprise test that teachers throw on us at school :)

I had gone down to meet a friend who was visiting and in my other friend's house, a few floors below where I live. Raghav decided to stay home on his own, as he has been doing quite often these past few months. I have stopped giving instructions to Raghav every time I leave the house when he is alone.

He doesn't know my mobile number or anyone else's by heart, but he knows where my friend lives. There is a sheet near the phone where I have listed out all the important numbers, which he knows about, but has never used. There has not been a need to do that. Nor have I felt a need to simulate a situation like that. So I really don't know how he would react in an emergency and what he would actually do. I don't know if he would be able to handle that. But I know that he will be taken care of by life. I know that that is all I can do - inform him about some of the choices he has. The rest is up to him. This shift happened recently when he on his own expressed a desire to be home by himself, while I did short, quick errands. And I knew that because it came from him, he probably knows what he can do and handle, much better than I would ever know about him.

This afternoon, while I was catching up with my friends on old times - I was meeting one of them after many many years - I lost all track of time. We were busy chatting away and suddenly the doorbell rang. Raghav was at the door! He told me how he thought I was taking longer than usual, and that he wanted to come and call me. He said that he had taken the stairs instead of the lift, because he felt safer doing that. This was the first time he was doing something like this. It was a huge moment for me.

He then got impatient waiting for us to finish talking and decided that he wanted to go home and bring his iPad along. I was wondering what to do, because I had only one key. For a few moments, I felt fear.....a fear of what would happen if I gave him the key and he forgot to bring it back when he stepped out again.....we would not be able to get back into the house then! I realised that the fear was that I could not trust him with the key. I was scared that he would be lost in his thoughts or world and just put it in the keys basket, like he usually does, out of habit, and not pick them up before leaving home again. I was scared that he would just forget about the keys. Once I touched this fear, the solution popped up on its own. I asked him if he had a pocket in his shorts where he could put the keys into, as soon as he opened the door. He looked, smiled and said yes, putting the keys in. I reminded him again as he stepped out of my friend's house, to put the keys in his pocket, with a little more confidence that whispered to me: "We will see what to do if that does not happen. Don't worry."

A few minutes later, Raghav was back with his iPad. I was relieved that he had brought the keys with him, while he very matter-of-factly said: "yeah...the keys are in my pocket," and plonked himself on the sofa, immersed in his racing game.

I realised that even when I did not quite trust him, myself and life in those few moments, I actually had no choice but to trust. Yes, I could have put my foot down and asked him to wait till I could go with him. But I  could not do that. Because deep down, I knew that this whole thing was about me and my being aware of my thoughts and my fears. It was something I had to allow to happen. For myself. For my son.

There is just no way we can be completely 'prepared' for emergencies, because no matter what you do to be prepared, it all depends on THAT moment and what you think, feel and do in the moment. In spite of all the talking and preparation, my son could have still forgotten the keys at home, or dropped them somewhere. How can I ever hope to prepare him for that?

It was a good experience for me today to reflect on my fears and my levels of trust. I love how Life gives me these surprise tests :) Life is my resident teacher, my friend and my guide.

You cannot prepare yourself for Life. 
You just have no choice but to trust it and live it. 
Completely.

Fear of the Dark

I have been watching this change in Raghav, slowly over the last few months. But I didn't talk about it with him. I just waited and watched. Until he was ready to talk about it today.

Raghav has had this extreme fear of the dark from when he was a baby. He would scream his head off every night, and we would get so frustrated because we had no clue as to what was bothering him. He would have just had his feed, and dozed off to sleep, and I would put him down on the bed. A little while later, he would scream and scream. We would walk him, hold him, sing for him, take him out, but nothing would work. For a long time we thought it was something to do with colic, until I mentioned this in conversation very casually, to a colleague and 'boss' of mine at the special school I used to work in. She asked me to try leaving a light 'on' in the room. As simple as that! And it worked like magic! Raghav slept much better after that. That was when we first realised that he was perhaps scared of the dark. He spoke about it many years later to me as you can read in this old post. (http://mymusings-pd.blogspot.in/2012/06/my-spiritual-healer.html)

This fear has stayed with him ever since. And we have learned to sleep with the light on ever since! :) Not a dim zero watt light, but quite a bright tube light (dim for him, but bright for us)! We have carried torches and emergency lights on our many trips, just in case the power went off somewhere :) Those were on the list of  most-important-things-to-be-packed always. Only many years later (actually quite recently) was he okay with just candle light to light up the room.

So this evening, when we came back to a dark house, and he said to me: " Amma, I think I have overcome my fear of the dark," I was almost in tears. Tears of joy. Yes, it is such a huge thing to overcome the simplest of fears, because that holds us back so much. It is such a freeing feeling to look at one's fear in the eye, and not run away from it or push it away, to be tackled some other day. I knew he was happy and so was I.

"I don't know how, but I think Mine Craft helped me get over this fear," he said. " See, earlier I would not even go into the room without a light being on.....I would stand and scream asking for the light to be switched on.....but today, I went in on my own, did not turn on the light, and am quite okay without that.....maybe, just maybe we can even try and sleep without the light tonight in the bedroom," he added.

I was quietly happy. Happy with where he was today and the journey he had made to get here on his own. We didn't do anything. We acknowledged his fear of the dark and talked about it off and on when it came up. That's all. And we let him have the light on for as long as he needed.

He must have faced and vanquished his demons on his own somehow. I have no clue how. And I am quite okay to not know. Maybe it was Mine Craft. Who knows? Who cares? :)