Freedom

The other day, we were somewhere and my son wanted us to buy him something which he really wanted. And we did not because it was beyond our budget. We explained our stance to him. He was still very upset and angry. For a long time he did not want to see us or talk to us. Then later, on his own, he said that he was ready to talk about it.

I asked him how he was feeling, and he said that he was angry. He was angry that we hadn't got him what he wanted. I listened to him express his frustrations. We explained to him why we could not, and suggested other ways of planning for such things, so that both he and we were prepared. He agreed to make a list of things he wanted and then sit down with us to see what was possible, when etc. And then he told us this: "Why is it that you grown ups have so much freedom and not us children? Why can't we do what we want to? So many times I have seen grown ups not give their children freedom...." Of course, that was said in a moment of anger and frustration, but I felt that there was some truth in it.

Often we don't want to see the truth that is staring at us. We do (seemingly) have more freedom than they do, because we are often able to exercise control not only over our choices, but over their choices too, and we often attribute that to our belief and value systems.....but do we stop and question those and see for ourselves if we are holding on to them too tightly? Do we stop to see another point of view and the larger picture that is emerging, which often has nothing to do with our beliefs and choices really? These are questions I ask myself, and I don't know the answers to any of these, but I am learning to stay with these questions more and more and loosen the grip over my beliefs, a little at a time, being gentle with myself....simply because I do not know....

Two days ago, this whole thing about freedom came up again and we were talking about it on our way home. I shared with him how much freedom I think we gave him. He agreed. I then shared with him why I thought his father usually never said no to him and got him most things that he wanted. I told him how when he was a child, he was hardly ever given things that he wanted, hardly ever allowed to buy things he wanted, because his father could not afford it. I told him how I thought that was the reason why he wanted him to have what he asked for. And how I felt that that was okay, but that the world and Life do not work like that.....that you don't always get everything that you want, whenever you want...and that I felt it was important to understand that and be with that feeling of not having as much freedom. He agreed, and then said this: "Amma, I agree with you. I have to be able to hear a 'no'...I know I cannot get everything I want. I know that appa should not simply buy everything that I want. He must be able to say no. I will be okay finally to hear that, even if it may be tough at that time. I will tell him that when he comes back."

And I smiled and wondered as to who was teaching who about freedom :)

Yes....now look!

Yesterday we were at the 'Shell Museum' and small aquarium at Mahabalipuram, with our friend and his son. While they were still engrossed in the shells, Raghav, who was more interested in the aquarium and feeding the fish, pulled me away there.

He was amazed at the 'collection', and was going 'wow' every few minutes, as he moved from one tank to another, admiring each fish's colours, shape and mannerisms, and talking to them like to his friends, while stretching out his palms and fingers against the glass. He was beaming from ear to ear, imagining them trying to suck his fingers and nibbling at them :)

While I enjoyed watching him and his interactions, I was filled with sadness as I thought of what limited freedom they must be enjoying, stuck up in a little rectangular space to call home, when they ought to be 'free' in the oceans and rivers where they really belonged. And I shared my sadness with him, and how that was a reason why I disliked zoos and aquariums.

These were some of the thoughts that flowed through....

• Zoos and aquariums confine animals/creatures to small spaces, where their freedom is limited.
• But through the sacrifice of this one creature for each species, if the majority of humans are able to understand them and want to take care of them and protect them, then is it okay to have them?
• Maybe we need animal communicators to go back and talk to them and tell us what to do and how to do it
• Everything rests in our seeing....what we can see and how much we can see, now. So there are no right and wrong ways of seeing, but just different kinds of seeing.

"Yes, I know how they must feel or how they would want a bigger space. I too feel that way. But now look...look at them now....how beautiful they are!", he said with his whole body lighting up. And I wondered to myself, how simple and beautiful the 'now' is, if only we learn to be open to it fully. Yes, I do need to see all points of view, look through all the windows that I possibly can, and then, when I have explored that fully and honestly (to myself), the present unfolds in all its glory and beauty....like it did for me through the words of my son.

'Yes.....now look..." is all that I need to do in any given moment. For that is all I have.

Discipline

I don't remember being disciplined by anyone while I was a kid and growing up. And with a husband and parents who gave me the space to be myself, I guess there was no real need for discipline. It came from within when it did. And when it didn't, well, I just fell and hurt myself and learned the hard way.

Discipline for me is about self-control and inner balance....knowing one's boundaries and limitations. And that comes with the freedom to explore. How many spaces do we have where we can explore that fearlessly? Where we can stop shushing ourselves or others for just being ourselves or themselves? Where we can truly honour people for whatever they are feeling or doing in the moment, and see them for who they are? I know that I don't do that all the time. I am not so large-hearted. But I am happy that I have been able to do that for my son and my husband, to a large extent, in the small thousand odd square feet of space that 'belongs' to us on this planet, and the limitless space in my heart, that I am of course unable to fathom and see for myself many a time. Maybe that is why we say: "Home is where the heart is".

As with all my other stories, that grew and evolved from deep darkness, this story of discipline too grew from that space. With my son. We had many challenges with him (which I hope to write about some day) more so because we were ill-equipped to deal with them. And so like most people in the crowd, we too resorted to 'train' him to put on his best behaviour, change and modify his behaviour when we felt it was 'bad', tried to explain how another person would feel if he did something that was disturbing to them, and so many more strategies. What we didn't realise was this - that the moment and conditions were not appropriate for these to work (what we call readiness) and that as a person, he was one who just could not and would not 'listen' to another. Everything had to come from him....from his own experience. Today I understand that better. Today I know that he is there to challenge and change the way people breathe....he is there to shake up the foundations of what we have built or created and believe as 'norms', and create something new himself. He is not there to do what others tell him to do, if it does not make sense to him. So yes, he is there to figure out his own boundaries through exploration and challenging what exists. And I am happy that my husband and I have been able to give him that space.

And yes, while our upbringing often plays an important part in the way we bring up our children, I am also seeing how there are other hands, other factors, other voices that play a role in that, often to the detriment of our children's freedom to learn and choose. But I am also able to see now, how that is also crucial to our evolution and interaction. Each ingredient adds to the flavour and aroma of what is being cooked.

A few weeks ago, Raghav had this long conversation with us about how he wanted to go back to eating 'corn puffs', which in my mind is a sticky, orange, addictive junk food. (You can read about that conversation here) And yet, because he had made out this whole plan on his own that he wanted to try out, we went with his choice and bought him a packet some days ago. He wanted only one packet, which he was going to keep for a whole week. This was what he wanted to do:

• he wanted to buy only one packet and check for himself how long that would last ( whether it would last a whole week or less)
• he wanted to eat only one cup (small one that he chose) every day - which he said was going to be the hardest for him to control, because when he ate some, he always had this urge of wanting to eat more :)
• if he finished the packet earlier, he wanted to wait for the week to go by before he bought another one
• he would brush his teeth every time, after he ate this and take care of his teeth.

He has about three more days to go for the week to finish and reflect on the challenge he posed himself. And he has done great up until now! He has kept to the boundaries that he has drawn up for himself (I don't think I have the kind of self-discipline that he has, even at this age). And I also don't care if he fails to meet his own challenge. I know that there will be something for all of us to learn either way. And that is what is most important.

My wish is for children and adults to have the space to explore what discipline means to them individually. My wish is for more of us to start creating those spaces in our little homes, or where we truly feel that we belong and can be ourselves. 

Discipline needs devotion and commitment. Can we be devoted and committed to our own selves and our boundaries?

~

"Discipline yourself, and others won't have to."

Freedom

This has been one of our many conversations about what freedom means to each of us.

Yesterday, I was watching Raghav play one of his games on the iPad. This one was about horse riding - where he has to groom, feed and take care of his horse and then get it to do some obstacle courses, show jumping etc. He played it for a while according to the rules, but after a point, I heard him say this while he was playing: "That's enough! I am not going to follow those markings anymore...I am going to do whatever I choose to do!" and he took his horse for a ride all around, ignoring the instructions, markings and everything else. He does a similar thing when he plays one of his car racing games too - he just races around the track in the "wrong" direction, sometimes banging into cars, and sometimes managing to avoid them! When I ask him why he does that, he simply says "....because I like it!"

Today, while we were having lunch together, we looked out of the balcony to see many kites flying, gliding, hovering around over the waters. Both of us got up, washed our hands and took to our binoculars and camera. Two of them hovered just above us, and Raghav exclaimed: "Oh how I wish I could be a bird!", and I said:"Oh, how nice I will feel to be free like that bird!" "I want to be a bird because I can be high up there and look down below...no one is really free amma...", he continued. I asked him why. I asked him what freedom meant to him. This is what he said: "...freedom to me is when I can do whatever I want to, whenever I want to and however I want to....but then no one can be totally free, because God has made it like that.....something always happens and so you can never be free..."

Profound words. Hard-hitting thoughts. I realised how this is our eternal struggle as human beings...when you think you are free, something happens to bring you crashing down to what is real and alive now....and that is where the freedom is actually.....in this moment.

Ah yes! It is better to want to be a bird to just enjoy the flight and enjoy the breathtaking view from up there, rather than to think of something that you think you don't have and struggle endlessly to pursue that.

The key to freedom then, lies in enjoying the present moment that is both real and alive. When you stop thinking about freedom is when you are truly free!

Shelling peas, Caterpillars, Fighting ants and What is home...

Raghav was in the midst of clearing a level in his new found passion - a game called Real Racing Challenge, on the iPad. Occasionally, he would scream out what he had achieved or come over to me and share something that he was thinking about....or ask me to choose cars to race with for his next level.

I was in the kitchen shelling peas that had been lying in the refrigerator for many days and needed attention....yes everything needs attention - our bodies, our minds, things and people around us, feelings that rise and fall...and when something is given that undivided attention, I have found that things are peaceful both within and without.....and then one begins to notice tiny miracles and celebrate every moment...

So here I was, flitting like a butterfly, from shelling peas to listening to my son....back and forth, back and forth, my attention flew from one to the other, but stayed with each, trying to find the sweet joy in doing both.

The peas were a rich green despite being in the refrigerator for so many days. I loved the cool, soft texture between my fingers, the sound of popping them open and watching the perfect green rounds roll into the vessel in line, with an occasional rebel that rolled out and onto the floor! I found myself lost in the moment until my son called out to me...so many times I have found a quiet peace and joy in mundane, repetitive activities and chores around the house that I so love to do, because they keep me in constant touch with myself in an intriguing way.

our little friend

My thoughts stopped when I saw a bright green caterpillar move out of the half-opened pod. I quickly called out to Raghav to come and see what I had found...unabashedly sharing the excitement of the little child in me! That was the beginning of our wondrous exploration over the next few hours.

Raghav first brought his magnifying glass to look at it more closely. Suddenly, he remembered the little bug box that we had (which I  thought was long-forgotten!) and ran to get it. While I gently transferred the green squiggle into the bug box, he reminded me to put in some of the pea pods in, so that it would have food to eat.

For the next few hours, all that he did was to watch it closely from all angles, describing it and sharing what he discovered, felt and thought.

let me take a closer look...

"Amma it has seven legs on each side....so that makes it 14 legs!.....I wonder how it manages with so many legs...I can't manage with two sometimes!"

"It has beautiful black dots on its body....see how beautifully God has created it?"

"I don't think it has eyes....I can't see them.....but it has a head."

"Look at the way it moves....it is as if its whole stomach is moving forwards and backwards!"

pretty pattern

"Amma, why does it lift its head and stretch out like that? What is it trying to do?"

"I don't know....maybe it is exploring or trying to get out....", I replied.

"Then, why don't you Google and find out? Google will tell you everything!", he said with a certainty.

"Where do you think it came from? Where is its home?", he asked with concern and a little sadness. "Where do you think its family is?"

That led us onto a path of exploring our thoughts and feelings about what is a family, what is home, how it must be feeling, and so on. We spoke about how it must have come from a farm somewhere up in the hills (because peas usually grow in hilly areas), how it perhaps fed on the leaves of peas, how it must have travelled by bus or lorry or train, to the organic store we bought the peas from, in our bag and then to our house.

when time stood still and watched with us....

I remembered how when I was in 3rd or 4th Grade in school, I used to love the essay writing activities our English teacher gave us about imagining ourselves to be something - like a coin or a flower or a fly and write in first person, how we felt, describing our imaginary journey. This conversation reminded me of that exercise. But what was different here, was that similar thoughts and putting oneself in the shoes of another, happened so naturally and seamlessly, triggered by a real-life experience. It was not contrived. It was not a flight of imagination. It was real - one could see, feel, touch and live it as it was unfolding before us.

"Amma, I think it has come specially to be with us....I don't think it will be sad anymore amma. It has a family now....we are its family..."

I knew what was coming. "Let's make a home for it!", he beamed. So I Googled and found out how to keep caterpillars at home. While we pored over the information together, we watched our little friend move around, rest a while on a pod and then arch his body upwards towards the lens of the bug box. "Do you remember how you caught a mosquito once for me in this bug box, and then we set it free? Let's do the same.....let's make it a home so that it can come and go as it pleases", he said. "I think this bug box is too small for it....remember 'Flippy the Fish story' in my Oswald DVD? I think he needs a bigger home".

the new home we made for it :)

So we  found an old terracotta bowl, put some of our compost in it as a thin layer, added a few pea pods that Raghav insisted was his friend's food, and moved our friend into his new home gently, using a piece of cardboard. We watched him crawl around the edge of the bowl, sometimes so tantalizingly poised that we thought he might tip over. Raghav kept wanting to know why he was moving around the edge. He felt that his friend probably wanted to get away, while I felt that he was just exploring his new place. Raghav wanted to know if his friend was happy in his new home, and so we watched him move and stretch, trying in our own ways to make sense of what we saw. Finally, when the little green fellow crept into a pod and lay snug inside for a while, the happiest person that moment was my little son!

looks like a comfy home!

In a few minutes, our friend seemed to get restless again and started crawling around. He tried to stretch towards a plastic bucket close by, but couldn't. Raghav felt that he probably wanted to explore that, but that the surface was perhaps too slippery and smooth for him to crawl on. Then, we kept a piece of cardboard like a ramp, so that he could crawl out of the bowl and onto the floor if he wanted to. Sure enough he did! He even crawled over to Raghav's scooter nearby and then fell off!

arching its body to reach the bucket...

crawling up the ramp to its home!

You can watch a little video clip of him here:

 Our Rendezvous with a Caterpillar

There was a long line of red ants nearby, scurrying to the kambha which I use for composting. We watched how they hurried along, barely missing bumping into one another in their hurry. We wondered together about how they must send messages to each other or talk to each other. I remembered reading Feynman's experience while observing ants and rubbed the space in between with my finger. We watched together with excitement when the ants seemed confused and did not know which way to go. I shared with him whatever little I knew about pheromones and how when you rub the space in between the paths the ants take, they cannot smell and send messages anymore.

It was also wonderful to see how they did not once disturb the little caterpillar or come in his way. Each one seemed to have his own invisible space demarcated. Raghav suddenly found one little ant carrying something white and hurrying on. We figured that it must be some of the old rice that I had put into the compost pile. Raghav laughed as he watched this ant trying to move away from the rest with his piece of treasure :) and at one point a couple of them bumped into each other, tugged at the rice (were they fighting over it?) and then moved on.

Lost in the wondrous world of ants, we had forgotten about our little friend, the caterpillar. We looked everywhere, but could not find him. He had disappeared. Raghav was very upset and kept asking me: "Where do you think he would have gone?" I had no answer that could satisfy him. We sat together in sadness and thought about where he might have gone, why, how he must have felt and how we felt about it all. We spoke about freedom and home - what it means to us.

"We found him a nice home amma....then why would he want to leave?", he asked pouting his lips. He was really upset.

"What is home Raghav? What makes you feel happy at home?", I asked.

"Home is where I am free to do what I like. I feel safe and happy...and I am with you and appa", he said.

"Yes. So do you think he was free in this new home? Do you think he was happy? Did he have his appa and amma or family?"

"No....I don't know", he said looking sullen.

I hugged him and we talked about how we missed him....and then we hoped that he would come back to us someday, and be happy and free, wherever he was now.

The little bowl still sits in the same place in our balcony. Raghav still goes out every morning to see if his friend is back. The pea pods are now dried up, but still lie there in the same place. Who knows? Perhaps he will come back someday. Perhaps he won't.

Real life is filled with infinite possibilities.....of living, learning and simply being.
And so we live in hope and trust, celebrating each moment that comes our way, opening our minds and hearts to those endless possibilities that are waiting somewhere for each of us...