I Have to Show My Anger

Two days ago, Raghav and A were playing together, after their first experience of a sleepover. Raghav had built one of the characters from the movie 'Planes' with Lego and A had taken off a few pieces from it for something, unknowingly. Raghav was very upset about that. It was a special plane and he did not want it broken.

He somehow could not say what he felt to A and so wanted me to tell A that, which I did.
"But I didn't know," said A. 
And I went back and shared that with Raghav. But it didn't help.

He said that he was still angry and that if A had broken his special plane, he was going to break the ship that A had built. I told him how I could understand that he was filled with anger about what had happened, but was wondering what he would achieve by breaking that ship. He agreed that he would not achieve anything, but that he wanted to do it. Just then, I had to leave him and the conversation midway, as I had to attend to someone who had just come home.

While I was away, I did not know what happened. When I got back, Raghav was sitting in the bedroom, and was sitting on the bed covering himself with his sheet, not wanting to see or talk to anybody. Meanwhile, A decided he would look for those pieces for him, found them and gave them to him. But Raghav was not in a space to even acknowledge that or even receive that. They parted ways for the day, without saying their byes happily to each other. And I too crashed early that night, too tired to listen to or talk to him about anything.

The next morning, I started up a conversation with Raghav about what had happened. He shared with me how he had in fact broken a part of the ship, and that he had not told A before, that the plane was special to him and that he should not touch it or break it. I pointed to him as to how A would not have known because he was not informed of all this. He agreed and came up with the idea of telling him what he could touch or not, from the next time.

"But did you break his ship like you wanted to?", I asked.

"Yes. I did," he said. And I fell apart a little. I did not expect that from him. I had thought that my conversation with him would have had some effect. I felt responsible for his 'meanness'. "Did you feel any better after you did that?", I asked. He said that he didn't. And like a 'good mother', I told him how I felt about what he did and how I did not like him taking 'revenge' like that. I shared with him how I too used to get so angry earlier with him. And how it always made me feel terrible inside later.

"Why did you get angry with me? Tell me more about it," he asked me. And so I told him how helpless I felt when none of the ways I had thought of had worked with him. How my anger simply reflected my fear of losing control. How I was scared of the future - how he would turn out. How I was scared that if I didn't control him then, I would never be able to control him.

"And how did you deal with your fears?", he said hugging me and kissing me.
"All that I know that I did was to face them...see them in the eye.....and know and understand which fear was ruling my mind.....after running away from them for years", I said. "Most often when we get angry, I think we are ruled by our fears," I added. "Maybe you could think about what you were scared about when you got angry," I said.
"I think I was scared because I could not remember how to build it again, and I wanted to because I did not like it broken," he said.
And we discussed ways he could try and recall how to build it, before the conversation drifted off elsewhere.

After a conversation with a friend, I realised even more clearly as to how I had responded to his anger from a space of not being okay with it and judging him and myself for that. I also wanted to find out from Raghav what he felt he had got when he broke his friend's ship and why he wanted to break it. And so I went back to him and asked him. This is what he said:
"I wanted to break his ship because I wanted to show him how angry I was and I could not think of a better way to show it."
Me: "So does that mean that if you found a better way of showing him how angry you were, you would not have done that?"
R: "Maybe.....but I also think that I could not have shown my anger in any other way....sometimes, you can't help it....you can't control your anger."
Me: "What did you think you would get when you broke it? And did you finally get what you wanted?"
R: "I only wanted to show my anger. I didn't want anything else. I didn't get anything by breaking it."
Me: "So what do you think you would do the next time? Would you do the same thing or try something different?"
R: "Try something else maybe......but maybe not. Because sometimes you just can't help it....I have to show my anger."

This incident and the conversation left me with many questions...

• Why is anger such a mistreated emotion, which is almost treated like an outcast....to be done away with?
• Can I make space to hold anger in myself and the other? By making space I mean getting comfortable with it......just like being with noise instead of running away and seeking out silence?
• As a mother and a fellow human being, can I see and stay with another's 'meanness' instead of putting it down as something that needs to be changed or fixed according to my idea of what is not 'mean'?
• When we are sad we cry and even wail sometimes, when we are happy or excited we laugh out loud and even scream sometimes, but when we are angry, we are not allowed to show it in a way we want to (without physically harming another person).....why? 
• Why do we have this idea in our heads that anger harms? Is there another way of seeing anger?
• Why do we look for moderation in everything, including emotions, and yet use the metaphor of emotions being like the waves in the ocean? Well waves can be wild and tempestuous too, not only gentle and cavorting isn't it?
• Why do we want to control everything? Is it because we are too scared of losing control?

On Friendship

Many questions that we were asked early on in our unschooling journey have now either stopped surfacing so much or have taken on a different form. But there is one which seems to fall into the permanent category, because it never seems to go away nor want to take another form :)

Yes, it is the question about social skills and friendship. One that I am kind of tired of answering, but still want to, because it has been one of the areas (the other one being food) that has completely changed my thinking and where my learning curve has been the steepest. And as is the case with everything else, my dear son has been my Guru. And I see this question as an opportunity for me to share what I have learned from him with others.

So here are some of the questions I have been asked countless times! -

Does he have friends?
Does he like to play with other children?
Does he miss being around other children? 
Do you have a community or a group that meets often?
You must be creating opportunities for him to meet other people and other children that would stimulate him...
and so many more that seem to have the same shade as these questions!

In the beginning, I did struggle with these questions, because I did not know what I was doing myself. But over the years, and with frequent, deep conversations with my son, where I simply shared all my fears and doubts without any holding back, my understanding and way of seeing this whole aspect of life has transformed. 

In some ways i think unschooling has worked for us beautifully because of the way the three of us are as people. My husband, my son and myself - all like our own company. Not that we don't like being with people. My husband loves meeting new people, while my son and me would much rather be home and invest our time and energy into nurturing few but deep friendships. But we have just stopped going out of our way to seek company.....simply because we love being by ourselves, with ourselves and we have come to trust Life to give us what we need at any given point in time.

So the need for being with other children was hardly ever there for my son, and when it came up, it was not a need that he wanted desperately to be fulfilled. The early years of our journey was all about 'nesting' - it was a time to de-stress ourselves from all the stress of having to conform to systems that we just could not be a part of; it was a time to simply be home and learn more about ourselves and each other without any other distractions; it was a time when we learned how beautiful and empowering it was to truly be alone with ourselves.

Of course, the fear of not having children to play with everyday or even once in a while was there, and it still keeps coming up, especially when I think of our age and what would happen when we are not around. But it doesn't worry me so much anymore. There is this deep trust that the Universe will take care somehow and that he will get what he needs. This is not a helpless resignation of sorts to destiny or a giving up of one's power to create. It is rather about owning our power by believing in what we are doing and the path we have chosen to take.

So whenever this fear came up, and even now, if it comes up, I just tell my son that I need to talk to him and share whatever I am going through in a way that I think he will understand. 'When in doubt, simply ask' - has been my motto of sorts. And it has helped immensely. A week ago, this fear came up again and I asked him how he was feeling about not being able to meet his old friends, about not having any friends and kids to play with where we stay now, whether he missed his friends or children, and what he would like me to do about it, or what he would like to do about it.

"Why do you keep asking me this question amma?" was the first thing he asked me. And so I told him why.

"I do miss my friends, but I don't want to go back to where we were staying, or even close by. I am happy where we are now. i love the place, the nature around; it is quiet, peaceful and there is so much more space around.....it's ok if I cannot meet them.....I am happy by myself. I don't need to play with children everyday. It is fine now the way it is," he added.

I was much relieved and said this to him:"So will you let me know when you want to do something about this? Maybe then we will find a way together....So I won't ask you this anymore? And you will tell me when you want to be with other children?"

"Yes. I will. Don't worry," he said nonchalantly.

A few days later, he expressed a desire to play Minecraft with someone. He wanted to play it 'live', and not online. So I did the best I could. I put out a request on the FB group for our gated community, asking if anyone would like to play or learn Minecraft or Lego. I got a response from the mother of a 3 year old girl. When I shared that with Raghav, he said:" Ya, that's fine! I can teach her. Age does not matter for friendship!" :)

How true! Don't we all have friends or people we relate to, of different ages in our circles? Then why do we want to make kids get into chicken coops when it comes to friends?

Why do we also have this manic need to 'make friends' and 'keep friends' at any cost?

Yes, we are social beings. But 'social' encompasses a whole range, a whole spectrum of needs doesn't it? We are not all social or sociable all the time. We go through phases and cycles in everything, including our friendships.

Then why do we see kids differently?
Do we think that is the only way we can allay our fears - of being different, of being alone?
Do we think friendships will make them feel good about themselves?
Do we think that will help them cope with boredom?
Do we think that will keep them occupied and less depressed or aloof?
Do we look at that as a way of us getting time for ourselves?
Is it our need or their need?
Why do we really want them to make friends?

I often feel that the answers to all our challenges and our fears lie in the questions themselves, if only we hold and stay with those questions long enough, instead of rushing in to 'sort' them out. All we need is that precious pause......

My tryst with working with kids and adults with special needs, especially autism, and knowing someone with autism, quite closely, including wondering initially if my son had any 'difficulties', has stirred up many questions. Hard questions that I asked myself repeatedly over the years. Yeah....it is funny that when we know that a kid has a 'special need' or a 'disability', we are immediately able to discount their behaviour towards us. We are immediately more accepting of them, more compassionate towards them. We at least pause for a moment and wonder why he/she might be doing or saying something. But we don't react the same way to kids who we think are 'normal'. What IS 'normal' anyway?

But we also have this idea of 'being sociable and social' so deeply ingrained in us I feel, that we want to 'fix' that in kids who aren't; we want to make them learn how to cope and adjust to the world, and so we 'expect' and 'teach' them social skills. Of course there may be some who want to interact but don't know how to, but there may also be some who simply don't want to, because they don't feel a need to. Are we really 'listening' to them? Each one of them? Are we giving them the space that they want and need, to be themselves? Sometimes I wonder if we do.

So yes, my son still screams when he is frustrated or has reached his threshold of tolerance for noise or something else, he will scream irrespective of who is or isn't around - at home, outside, anywhere;  he can look through people as if they did not exist at all, he can be so completely lost in his world that he wouldn't even remember to greet someone; and at the same time he can be most understanding and 'friendly' and be chatty with people - even complete strangers. When he needs some time by himself, or is tired, he shares that openly with his friends, and asks if they could play on their own for a while. Those who know him, understand him and give him that space. Those who don't, simply don't, and he is okay with that. And so are we.

Of course, we have had numerous conversations about how others would feel. He has himself asked me to remind him to greet or say 'thank you' to others only because they expect that. With some people, I explain to them the beauty of waiting for that to emerge on its own. With some others, we have mutually agreed to just 'please' them, as long as he feels okay about doing that in that moment.

We have stayed for extended periods of time alone with ourselves at home, hardly meeting anyone for months and years. In that period we have come to understand and love ourselves a little more. Now, when we get an opportunity to go out and be with or do things with people, we are more ready and willing to explore new ground, and feel more ease in doing that without any fears. This I think has been the fruit of our long, often challenging and arduous journey of being with our own selves.

Here are some things that I have learned from my son and our journey so far:

• I need to first be my own best friend. I need to love all parts of me. Then, it is easier for me to be friends with others and for others to be friends with me. Then, you are not dependent in an unhealthy way on people outside of yourself.
• If I am bored, I am bored. I don't need friends or 'stimulation' to fill up that boredom. I need to figure out for myself what I can do or not in that boredom.
• Be Yourself. Don't change yourself just because you want people to like you. When you are yourself, the right people will love the real you. Just be prepared to wait for them,however long it takes! 
• One needs to love oneself pretty well to be able to take 'unsociable' comments from others. And most often, the children who we think of as 'unsociable' are the ones who are mirroring what we need to look at more deeply in our own selves. I have gone through some extremely embarrassing moments when my son was 'rude', 'misbehaving' and most 'unsociable' - both in my own eyes and in the eyes of people around me. But those moments were the ones which told me how much more I needed to look within myself really, and ask myself some tough questions.
• We each need to be given space to be able to interact on our own terms. That is the basis of true friendship and understanding.
• Everything rests in the 'seeing' - how we choose to see what is playing out before our eyes. We can choose to see something as 'rude' and also see the same thing as an expression of someone's sensitivity to something. The way we see it moulds our response.

Yesterday, I was at the 30th anniversary function of Vidya Sagar, an organisation which works with children and adults with multiple disabilities and their families. While a few of us were chatting about old times, 30year old A, who was on the wheelchair, suddenly grabbed hold of another parent's saree and it tore. She adjusted it while this man's mother apologised for her son's behaviour. The parent however smiled, asked if he wanted her to come closer and talk to him, offered him something to eat which he refused, and then bent over and chatted with him. He was then fine. It was a beautiful, poignant moment of connection.

I feel deeply now that the way we choose to see a behaviour like this depends on the space we are in in that moment, and how we choose to see it. Can we share how we feel honestly and vulnerably, while also listening to ourselves in the other? What is that voice inside us saying? Why are we getting triggered or hurt? Perhaps if we stop and look more deeply into that space, we will know why and respond accordingly. Perhaps then we will be more inclusive, more accepting of our own selves and therefore the other. Perhaps then we will know the meaning of real friendship.

And I believe that our children are here showing us the way.....little lanterns lighting up the road less travelled....into a new world with countless, unimaginable possibilities that could be a far-cry from what we know today as 'friendship' or anything else for that matter.

Minecraft, Trust and Friendship

It is funny and strange how some conversations have their seed in the past and in the future. Much like a dandelion....some conversations start in one place and their many seeds are carried over and across to so many spaces and interactions over time....and it is beautiful to see the pattern, the flow and the journey those seeds take. This was one such conversation....

Yesterday, Raghav expressed a desire to play Minecraft with friends. I was suggesting that he go online and play, as none of his friends here were into Minecraft.

"But I have to have seen or know the person I play with. I cannot play with someone I don't know," he said quite emphatically.

And so he wanted us (my husband and me) to play with him. I agreed to try if he taught me, and also asked if he would like me to ask my friend's son who he had met here and played Minecraft with a few months ago. He was immediately all excited. So I sat and wrote to her, sharing his request.

"But why do you feel that you cannot play with someone you don't know?", I prodded on.
"Because I don't trust them. I cannot play with someone I don't trust....someone whose identity I don't know," he added. And we left it at that.

Later at night, I was telling Raghav how I was going to be in another room, talking to my friend on skype. "Who is that? Is it ***?", he asked. I smiled and said 'yes'.
"But how do you talk to *** when you haven't even seen *** before?", he asked quite surprised.
"I don't know...but I like talking to *** and *** is my friend," I said.
Strangely, my friend and I also ended up talking about trust in our conversation although the conversations flowed from elsewhere! :)

This morning, I broached the same topics again with him.
"Yesterday, you were talking about trust....how you can't trust someone you haven't met or don't know....so what does trust mean to you? What does it make you feel inside?", I asked.
With a little more prodding and some choices, he was able to tell me how with some people that he trusted, he was relaxed, comfortable and happy, and how with some others he felt anxious. And then, he came up with this...

"Both people have to feel the same way about trust, for them to trust each other," he said.

"Like I trust you and appa and Joel and Sadie and thatha and patti....and I feel that with the three of us, we feel the same way about trust.....do you think you and appa feel the same way about trust, the way I do?", he asked.

"....I think you do....but with my friends and thatha and patti, I am not sure they feel the same way about trust like I do.....so if I were to play Minecraft with you or appa, and you kill me, then the next time, I would still play the same thing with you again......but with anyone else, even if I trust them, if they kill me in Minecraft, I cannot and will not play that again with them....but I may play something else. So I trust them for some things, but not other things," he added.

"Yes....I understand....so you feel that you can trust appa and me for everything and that we three feel the same way about trust....yes, and  that is how I feel with this friend of mine too....I trust *** for everything. Trust is something that I just know and feel inside," I said.

What a beautiful conversation that was....much like a piece of embroidery, being woven slowly with magic and wonder and a lot of heart. Yes, trust is the basis of any relationship....the foundation....on which everything else gets created. Trust is like a stick-it note - it just is or happens in the very first moment of the interaction...and once it is peeled off or removed, it will not stick on easily again.

Fun with Friends!

After many many months, Raghav spent a day each with two of his long-time friends, who came over. One of them is from the apartment complex we used to live in. The other is the son of a good friend of mine. He has known both of them for some years now.

It was interesting to watch how he played differently with both his friends. With J, he had absolutely no difficulties and arguments. There was complete understanding and acceptance from both sides. There was a trust that filled the spaces between them, and that was evident in the manner in which they played. Raghav was actually able to play with J for most parts of the day.

With A, it seemed more like parallel play. They were both in the same physical space, and interacting by talking and sharing, but each was doing his own thing! And when they decided to play something together, they needed me to play with them and be the go-between.

However, both friends were oodles of fun.....there was laughter, shouting, crying, screaming, jumping, running, quiet time and so much more that filled the house to the brim :)

There was Lego, Pictureka, Pictionary, car racing, pretend play with Lego and the Lego Movie characters (with detailed dialogues and sound effects), doing things on the iPad, playing with remote cars in the parking lot, chatting over lunch, playing outdoors and so much more!

Here are some photos of his fun times with both his friends!

Fun with Friends!

Two days with Raghav and his two friends was enough time for me to get more grounded in my trust in my son and in Life. Here is what I learned from this experience:

Children learn skills that they need, when they are ready and are inspired to learn them.

 Raghav got ready early on his own, to go and get his friend, who lives quite far away from where we are. They haven't met ever since we moved to our new place. He was all excited and so was his friend J, who also got ready early and even called me to check if Raghav had left to pick him up :)....the joy of sweet anticipation! Getting ready early in the morning and leaving the house on time, without arguments and delays is quite unheard of in Raghav's life :)

Raghav had already made some plans as to what to play with him. He put his two remote control cars on charge, and set an alarm to help him remember when to turn them off. He built a few things from the Lego Movie with his Lego, to play with his friend, and thought of other things he could do. It was pleasantly surprising to see him plan and organize his space and time, all on his own. I am convinced that these skills just come when they have to, all on their own, when they are ready for them. We don't need to do anything really, except watch and enjoy the slow unfolding, with wonder and joy.

  

When children are given the space to be themselves, they know what they need and how to set boundaries. 

Both his friends go to school, and so could come over only during their summer break. But Raghav was very clear that he could not manage to have both of them over on the same day to play. "After I play with J for one whole day, I need my space....I need one full day to myself before A can come over amma!", he said with certainty. I was amazed at the clarity he had of himself, his needs and his boundaries - something that I struggle with even today. 

When you are your best friend, you don't need to look outside of you all the time, to make new friends.

 

When you really need friends, your deep desire will get the universe to conspire and make it happen. You can wait in peace, for as long as it takes, until you are able to meet with the friends you hit it off with. And, more importantly, you do not always depend on another to fulfill your need for love and belonging.

When you love yourself enough, you are full, and also find ways to love everyone you meet.

Whenever I asked Raghav if he would like to make new friends in our new house, or if he needed help to make friends, he would dismiss it off with : "Amma, I don't need any new friends. I have my two or three friends, and they are enough. I can wait to play with them, even if I have to wait a long time." That said it all :) This time he had waited for almost 8 months. 

Enjoy the experience and the experiencing, and don't constantly seek (new) experiences just to feel good.

 

So Raghav can wait for months on end to play with his friends, and is okay with that, simply because I think he "fills" himself up with the experience and the "experiencing" of the experience, when it happens. He lives each of those moments fully; he feels the joy, excitement and the pain and sadness completely; and that "fullness" fills him up, until the next time. 

Children are inclusive by nature, as long as we get out of the way. 

J and Raghav have a perfect understanding. Raghav can play for a while, but then after that, he usually needs some space and time for himself. J understands that and chooses to play on his own for a while, with no further explanations needed. It was beautiful to watch them weave in time together and alone, through the day, almost like a little dance, with perfect understanding! This time around, Raghav made an effort to think about J and what he could play with, when he wanted his own quiet time. Whenever Raghav eats, he needs to watch something on the iPad. J knew that from earlier. He sat and ate next to Raghav, without asking Raghav once about it....there was a complete acceptance as they sat and ate together, yet alone! When J got bored of playing with something, Raghav was ready this time to try playing something else that both of them could enjoy. That was a huge first for him!   

When one is hungry, one just eats. It is we adults who attach emotions to even a simple task like eating. When his other friend A was hungry, he asked Raghav if he was going to have lunch. When Raghav told him that he had eaten breakfast late, and that he was not yet hungry, A said okay, and just sat down and ate by himself, while chatting with me and enlightening me about various birds over lunch :) Life is simple, until we get down to complicating it! 

Children who have had the space to be themselves and accepted with all their emotions, are able to give others space and accept their emotions. 

Don't assume anything with children, because you never know what's going on in their minds, until they tell you!

 

Raghav had been into playing board games over the last month, and so, when A and he were stuck with not knowing what to play after a while, we sat down and made a list of possible things to do. I suggested the car racing game, as I felt Raghav was okay now about winning or losing, as he had actually "helped" me win once and catch up, by flexing the rules, when the three of us played it. 

When A heard about the car racing game, he got all excited and wanted to play it with Raghav and me. After much coaxing, Raghav agreed to play. There was a time when A was unlucky and kept picking cards that asked him to miss a turn. Raghav promptly felt that was not fair, and got him to pick up a fresh card, until it was something that he could do. Everything was going on well, until A said something and pretended to move Raghav's car way behind, jokingly. Raghav got very upset and angry immediately and went off in a huff, screaming and crying and expressing his extreme displeasure. A watched him go and asked me if Raghav was angry. I said yes and went on to tell him to ask Raghav what had made him angry. When he went in, Raghav screamed to us to leave him alone. A immediately walked away from the room and told me :" I think he wants to be left alone. I think he is very angry. I think if we let him be for some time, he will feel better and then come on his own." I was moved by the ease with which he accepted Raghav for who he was. 

Later, after things settled down, Raghav came out and expressed how he had felt because of what A had done. A said that he was playing and that he would not do that again. They continued the game. All was well until A won the race and the game. Raghav could not take that and was in tears. He went away to be by himself again. Later, he told me that he could accept me or my husband winning, but not his friend or someone else who is not a part of our family. 

I realised then that one could not assume things with children (or with anyone for that matter). I had assumed, because of what had transpired over the last few weeks, that Raghav was now okay with winning and losing, when he was not. Not yet. Not completely. These generalisations happen in their own time. They cannot be forced or made to happen.