Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Crying makes me feel good

This morning, like the last couple of mornings, Raghav has been waking up very irritable and cranky. Sometimes we have been able to sit down and figure out what could be the cause, like when he says: "Amma, I know I am very irritated, but I don't know why....can you think?" With him though, "thinking" does not mean thinking for him, it means thinking with him :) That is a huge challenge, as one has to make him in some way feel that he has played a huge part in figuring out what it is! Most often than not, I am usually having to do this in the midst of making breakfast, or packing my husband's lunch, or something else that is time-bound in some ways.

So, over the last few days, we have sat down and talked and talked and analyzed and come up with things like being very hungry, or needing to go to the loo, or not knowing what to do or how to start the day off (Raghav usually likes to do something as soon as he wakes up, and often he is caught unable to decide on what to do, while at the same time not wanting to plan or decide on anything ahead of time too! Tough job for him and us! Phew! :)

Today though when he woke up and felt the same way, I asked him if I could remind him of the last few days, and how we had found out what to do. However, he told me that none of those were the causes today, and that we had to "think"again! But none of our talking and discussing and analyzing helped today, and we just had to be with the irritation, however hard it was. A little later, we all got back to what we had been doing.

Soon, Raghav came out of the room in tears. I hugged him and asked him what happened. He said that he did not know why, but he was crying and just felt like crying. I sat with him and explained how I too sometimes felt that way, and that it was ok to cry until one no longer feels the need to cry.
While he sat next to me and sipped his warm water, he turned around to me and said :"Amma, do you know, I actually feel good after crying.....and also I think it helps to clean my eyes....all the dirt from inside comes out!"

I smiled, nodded and held him close, silently wondering how true that was.....that crying does make one feel so good....that crying was a good way to cleanse one's system inside out....and above all that, to embrace it lovingly with open hands and an open heart without searching for causes and any other emotion one feels.....for each of them is an inherent and integral part of who we are.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Like guava seeds in the teeth

Yesterday, Raghav and I were having this conversation about the kind of house we want to move into....we have seen a few, but everything is still hanging :) were going through mentally the houses we had seen and what we liked or did not like about each one.
There is this one house that both Raghav and Srinath liked, but I didn't....they love it for all the facilities (swimming pool especially) and for it being on the 10th I was sharing how I was feeling about that house....that I was not too comfortable with heights, and that perhaps there, I had to change my way of living a there was no space to do any gardening (which incidentally he had gotten me into!) and maybe even composting or segregating garbage, and how I was really liking all that now...and he so matter-of-factly turned around and told me: "Yes amma, but you can continue doing your gardening until we move there!"
What a beautiful learning that was for me, who slips in so easily back into those paths of old....stuck like guava seeds in one's teeth :)....I have now resolved to look at the NOW and enjoy whatever is left of what I can do NOW.....even if we don't decide on that place.
Life is all about letting go when you want to hold on isn't it? So simple and yet so hard!

Monday, June 10, 2013

When you are in the present, you are free!

We had my grandmother and Raghav's great grandmother, staying with us for a few days....a little while ago, while I was mixing Raghav's yoghurt rice, he said: "Amma, Kollu patti mixed my yoghurt rice for me yesterday and the day before....but she always said that she will mix a little more.....even when I told her it was enough....and then it was too much for me....why does she do that?"

I shared how we had grown up on our mother and grandmother's hips, being carried around and shown things, while they fed us and most times, stuffed our mouths with food! :)

I told him a little sadly, how most often we did not have a choice in what we could eat, how much we could eat, when we could eat and how we could eat.

He smiled and told me :"Amma, but NOW you have the freedom!"

My mind was instantly brought back to the PRESENT MOMENT which IS beautiful, no matter how much it rolled back to the past out of habit :)

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Of walls in our heads!

While eating his aloo poha this morning and playing his AngryBirds game on the iPad, I sat beside watching him intently trying to clear some levels and get three stars. He asked me if I could help him get three stars in all the levels. I agreed to give it a try.

Our conversation soon drifted off into how I suddenly started liking Angry Birds and playing it too. "So how did you change amma? How did you start liking it suddenly?", he asked, curious to find out the trigger. I thought for a bit and said that I didn't quite know, but would think about it more and let him know when I figured it out. "You have to know, because it is your mind amma!", he said and carried on playing and eating.

A little later, when I felt that I had the answer, I shared it with him in the best way I could.
"You know....I think that earlier I had these walls in my head about some things like Angry Birds, watching TV and things like that....I thought that they were to do with anger and destruction that I didn't like or enjoy and those thoughts were like walls in my head, that did not allow me to see anything else...and then suddenly, my thoughts changed and the walls in my head gave way or broke down."

" did a little construction vehicle come and break down the wall?", he asked with a huge smile on his face. :)

"I think meditation helped me.....I don't know", I added.

"You know I don't have any walls in my head as my head is too small for me to build walls!", he said while rejoicing about the level he had just cleared! :)