Free to Be Myself

I am realising more and more each day that when I free myself, I free my son....or rather, when I feel free to be myself, I free my son to be himself too. Of late, all the things that have been happening in my life, only seem to be sending me this message : 'Say yes to yourself and life!' 

And so, I have been saying more 'yeses' to myself and to Life. To me, saying 'yes' is about opening up to the flow of Life.....to trust myself and Life and her ways....and that can happen only when I am comfortable with everything that I feel I am now. To know that everything in me is valuable and there for a reason. To look at myself with keen eyes, and be aware of all that's being revealed - all my feelings, judgements, failings, fears, all of it. And to free myself to 'be' like this, has been a challenging yet enriching little journey of a few weeks.

There has been a huge shift within me of late, and I am learning slowly to love more parts of myself, and so feeling more at ease with myself.....and I am somehow feeling that this is in some way being transmitted to my son too. I don't know how though. But how he is responding now to things and situations that have come up earlier, seem to be telling me just that.

About ten days ago, I attended a talk on de-schooling, which raked up some old and new questions related to community and what it means to me now. I wrote down some of those thoughts and questions, which I want to share in this post, as it seems so connected and relevant here:

Community is the ecosystem that helps me not only survive but also thrive.

And to know that what I feel is 'my community' today exists and thrives only because of all the communities that I am not a physical part of or feel I don't 'belong' to.

I feel a true sense of community only where I feel that I can 'belong' to myself....first.

Is any kind of family a community? Or is it something larger?
Do we have to define community in a particular way?
By defining what it is or not, are we narrowing our choices down, and limiting our possibilities?
What would community mean to an ant, a tusker, a polar bear, a bird?
What would community mean to a person with autism or certain sensitivities?
Is our need for community based on a deep fear of survival or a need for sharing and learning and loving?
What is it that a community gives me that I cannot find in or give to myself?
Is the community fulfilling a need in me that is rooted in a fear of something? 
Or is it a space where I simply give without expecting anything in return for what I have to offer?

My community until today has been in many ways just my family - me, my husband, Raghav, his grandparents and my sister and her family. These are the people I interact with the most or most often, and who I know will be there for me, no matter what. Of course there are some friends who I look up to as family (or more) in this way, but those interactions are mostly online. Even the homeschooling community I interact with is mostly online. So when people speak about community, all those questions come up, because somewhere I feel that their definition and reality is different from mine, and wonder if the 'community' that they speak of is truly inclusive, when they seem to have boxed it in with a definition that doesn't seem to really change or evolve.

For a large part of our unschooling journey, we have been by ourselves, with no real community of like-minded people around us for support or sharing learning or simply doing things together. Yes, there have been and are supportive neighbours and friends, and that was perhaps all that we needed. Raghav needed a safe nest - home - where he could rest his tired, battered soul perhaps (after his difficult years at school), where he could find himself again, and where he could love himself completely. And because that was what he needed to feel safe, we re-evaluated our needs, and put some of them on the back burner. We stopped calling people over, we stopped socializing with friends and family, we stopped going out except when we really needed to. They were some of the most challenging years, because it meant letting go of many of our needs and sticking very much to the four walls of our house, for days and months on end, with every outing becoming an ordeal, with an argument before almost every outing and extreme tiredness after each, with each outing stretching to hours, simply because Raghav would take forever to just get ready and move!

There were so many days when I felt I was going crazy. I felt lonely, completely disconnected, depressed, angry and even wondered if I had made the right choice in choosing unschooling. So many times we used force to get the simplest of things done - like going shopping, paying bills etc., and every time, it left us all with a bad after taste and so much negative energy. But we had to just stay with it all. Some of those things had to be done. There was no other way that we knew of. That was our path. Painful, thorny, but our own unique one, the gifts of which we are opening only today.

Every time someone spoke about 'community' and 'togetherness' and 'belonging', I cringed, I hurt, and felt like an outcast. Every time someone spoke of 'solitude' and 'aloneness' I felt good, because that was what I could resonate with. That was my reality because of the choices I had made. This whole idea of community (the way most people seemed to see it) seemed like an unreachable place for me....an Eden I could only dream of, if at all, but never be a part of. We had made an effort to be a part of different communities, but somehow never felt comfortable, because Raghav was rarely comfortable. And so then, we gave up making that effort. We then gave in to Life and her ways and found peace in that. We made our own little cozy nest, filling it with all the space that each of us needed to get more comfortable in our own skins.

There were many friends and family who told me and reminded me, that I had to make that effort, that I had to look after my needs, that I had to feel fulfilled if my son had to feel good about himself. So many words of advice, all well-meaning, but completely useless for me. For that path was not my path, not our path, at least then. I knew this deep down, but had no way of expressing it to anyone, including my own family. I guess people must have thought us to be the weirdest family around for digging up and getting into our own little rabbit hole :)

But those challenges brought us so many gifts that we would not have perhaps got otherwise. We took time to 'build' our nest, feel safe and at home in it, after years of distress and agony. We took time to understand ourselves and each other more intimately - our needs, our fears, sensitivities, etc. We saw the best and the worst versions of each other. We  learned to fight and love...to love it all! We learned what was essential to us and what was inconsequential. And much more.

And yes, we are opening some of those gifts even today. After years of being at home mostly and not attending any gatherings or events, I was telling Raghav about two events that were coming up this month - one was a talk that I wanted to attend at the organic store we go to every week (a place that he loves going to) and the other was a homeschoolers' gathering. I was quite surprised when Raghav agreed instantly to attend both! And what shocked me even more was that he on his own told me that he would go without his iPad!

So yes, we went for the talk on 'Transition Towns'. He sat in a corner and read the books he had carried with him, while I sat and listened to the talk. We were there for more than an hour, which was an achievement in itself for the first time. His feeling comfortable was infectious, or was it the other way around ? :) I wonder if I will ever know. But yes, for the first time, I was completely at ease too - inside, outside and with him in tow.

It was such a fulfilling little journey that I had been on with my son, the seeds of which were sown so many years ago, when we (my husband and I) decided to give him the space he needed to blossom and value his choices and needs, as they impacted our lives, as much as they impacted his.

A week later, was the second event - a local homeschoolers' gathering, which also he wanted to attend as much as I did. Again, he decided he would not take his iPad along. The only 'deal' we made was this - that he would tell me when he wanted to leave, and that we would leave soon after. He surprised me with many things that he did there, and I guess the surprise for me was simply because I was holding on to an image that I already had of him, based on my earlier experiences. :)

The group was already together and people were introducing themselves. Even kids joined in. I asked Raghav if he wanted to introduce himself. He nodded and watched the others. Soon after I introduced myself, he introduced himself: "I am Raghav and I am nine years old." What a huge moment that was for me! Then, as the discussion moved on to questions about homeschooling etc., he got himself a book, sat close to me and immersed himself in reading.  After a point, when he got tired of sitting in one place, he asked me to go out with him. 

We went out into the garden where some children were chatting and playing. He wanted to join in but did not know how. I supported him and made the first contact with the kids, asking them their names, what they were playing etc. Soon, he jumped in and they played 'catch' together. Then, he came up with an obstacle race, which he explained to another twelve year old boy, who became his friend for the evening. I learned so much from being with the two of them - how they listened to each other, how they saw what the other shared through their own eyes, how they disagreed with each other and took it in their stride, how they adapted the flow of the course so that both their needs were met and ideas taken and valued. 

And my role was to merely reflect one to the other! It was beautiful to be a mirror between two beautiful children! And my greatest learning from being with children off and on is the importance they give to the process rather than the outcome. Like here, it was not as important for them to get down to playing and doing the obstacle course, as it was to understand each other, listen to each other and value each others' points of view and ideas.

Then, we went back in to join the group, which was just getting into the groove of playing a small game called 'passing the clap'. It was fun! Someone started a clap, which was passed on in a circle, keeping to the rhythm and tempo, and then the clap was passed randomly to anyone in the circle. Raghav wanted to join in and made an effort to understand and play it. He was one of the few kids who joined in with the adults. And it was funny to see how every time it came to him, the tempo would change and slow down! :) There were calls to keep to the tempo, but it wouldn't work when it came to him! :) Perhaps that's why we have kids in our midst....to slow us down, to not take things for granted, to not get swept away by the crowd, to stay present and grounded and continue to be ourselves.....to be a part, and yet stand apart.....that for me is also what 'inclusion' is all about.

Soon, he wanted to leave, and I kept my promise by not tarrying to catch people's attention and say bye. We just got up and left, waving to the person who looked up at us. It was so beautiful and not contrived... and made me feel so much at ease. I hope the others felt the same way too, and if they didn't I hope they understood why we did that. And if they didn't understand still, well, that's just too bad! :)

As usual, on the way back, we got talking and I asked Raghav how he felt about being there.
"I loved being there....I made a new friend....I joined in the games...I liked those," he said.
"Why did you choose to come this time? Was it because I told you how much I wanted to go and you did not want me to feel bad?," I asked, sharing everything that was bubbling up inside.
"No....it was not because of that. I wanted to come this time. I myself felt that I was getting too much into the iPad and staying at home, and wanted to do something about it. That's why I came. That's why I didn't want to bring my iPad along," he added. 
I smiled quietly, enjoying the nakedness that was being displayed. There was no question of being 'honest' or 'open', because there was simply no other way to be for him. He was simply being himself.
"So what made you want to do this today, which you did not want to do earlier?" I prodded on.
"I am just more comfortable being myself...." was his prompt reply.

That said it all. Yes, the same was true for me. I was also more comfortable being myself....and yes, it has taken me just so many more years. But I guess it pays to be late, because with Life there is really nothing like 'late' or 'early'....everything just happens in its own time, in the best possible way for each one.

Here is a FB post that I shared later about how I felt after this gathering.....it sums up all that we've been through together and the joy that we are feeling just being ourselves....

I have 'waited without waiting'  (I don't know how to explain that waiting in any other way) for so many years now, for Raghav to 'want' to come with me for some gatherings, especially when it involves meeting people....and I am today basking in the joy that comes with that waiting...two trips in one week - one to attend a talk and the other to meet up with homeschoolers....it seems too good to be true!

It truly is a gift to watch a flower blooming slowly and surely, and that's how I feel about him today....it gives me goosebumps to think that I followed my heart and listened to my son, 'knowing' deeply that he needed this time and space (years actually and looong periods of not wanting to step out of the house at all), despite all the voices around me that questioned that and also became my own voice sometimes :) 

Also remembering a dear friend's sharing of a story, and the few hours I spent at a learning space in Bangalore, called 'Bhavya', where I learned the importance of giving time and space to children....not as much as what YOU think they need, but as much as THEY think they need. Grateful for those little-big lessons that Life brought me when I most needed it.

Today, on our way back home, when I asked Raghav as to what had made him 'want' to do this, he said: "I am just more comfortable being myself....and I myself felt that I was getting too much into the iPad and wanted to do something about it.....I enjoyed myself today....I made a new friend and met so many people."

Yes, this is HUGE for him and for us.....to want to step out of the house to meet people and to be okay to not take his 'best friend' (the iPad) along...of course, we could not stay for the whole time, and of course this may not happen every single time.....but it happened today, and that is all that matters, and I share my joy with all of you...

Do children learn what they live?

My grandmother was in town and I really wanted her to come and spend some time with us at home. She is 92 and in many ways I feel grateful to both my grandmothers for taking care of me perhaps when I really needed that the most. My father's mother was with me through my growing years and until my late teens, while my mother's mother took care of me up to the end of my first year, besides our numerous summer holidays in Bangalore. I felt that it was my turn now to do my little bit for her. But I had to ask Raghav, as that is what we usually do. We consider him as an individual in our house and family, with his own views on things and people. He is also a person who likes to be prepared for changes in routine or sharing of space at home. We have respected that all along, and we did the same this time too.

I was telling Raghav how my grandmother had taken care of me when my parents had left me for a month with her, when I was five months old and they had to go to Australia. I shared with him stories of how she had brought up nine children of her own, and how they also took care of me. I also shared how important is was for me to have her home with us for a few days atleast this time. He seemed to understand. In fact, he said he would love to have her and listen to those stories from her. She was special to him. I knew that from the way he spoke. I remembered fondly how she came all the way to be with him as a newborn baby, giving him an oil massage, bathing him, cooking for him, changing him, talking to him and rocking him to sleep with a pillow on her legs. Perhaps there was some kind of connection that he felt with her, for she is one of the very few who are privileged to hug and kiss him at will. I was happy that he understood. I spoke to her, and she agreed to come the following day.

Meanwhile, Raghav was on a building marathon. He had announced to us that he was going to build a farm today and set off. While I was busy in the kitchen, he kept coming to me with different things that  he had built, one after the other. There was a barn, a tree house, fields, a stable, a pig sty, a sheep pen, a farm shop, a compost bin, a tractor with trailer, a combine harvester, a cow shed and more! After building all this, he wanted to set it up in a space that wouldn't be disturbed and play with it. Since the best place for that was his own room, we decided to set it up there and cleaned and made the space for it. Raghav was very happy and we played our usual pretend game, making up dialogues for each person, weaving in a story et al.

Later, he wanted to get building other things again, but was frustrated that he couldn't use the whole room, as it was full of the things for the farm. He couldn't access his drawers and bricks, and also did not want to move the farm anywhere else, as he felt they would not fit in any other space. After a lot of back and forth, bouts of crying and the pain of not understanding how the same space could be created in another place, he finally agreed to give my idea of moving all of it to the guest bedroom, a try. I had to measure the floor area to show him that the space he had used in this room was possible to create in the other one as well. He finally understood. So I drew a map of the farm - where he had placed what, and we moved it all to the top of the guest bed. Raghav painstakingly set it all up to the last detail, according to the map, even pointing out an error on my part of not drawing one thing to scale!

A little later, I got a call from my mother, to say that she would bring my grandmother that evening, to stay with us overnight, until the following evening. I did not know whether to smile or cry. She was supposed to come only the following day, and Raghav had just set up everything to play. I expected a meltdown from Raghav. After all that measuring and setting up of the farm, so that it wouldn't be disturbed, now it would have to be disturbed as my grandmother would need the bed. There was no other space she could sleep in. I did not know what to do. I did not want to disappoint Raghav; and nor did I want to say no to my grandmother. I stayed with my feelings for a while, but started getting anxious. "How could I tell them that she could not come because Raghav needed that space for his Lego?" "How can I tell Raghav that she was more important than his Lego?" Both were important to me. I wanted to respect both. And yet I feared Raghav's reaction.

I called up my husband who was travelling on work. I was in for another surprise. For the first time,
he probably empathised with Raghav instantly :). He told me that I should call my mother and tell them that they could not come today, but could perhaps come the following week to stay. While I was relieved and happy about this new connection he had made, I still could not get down to saying that to my grandmother, who I had invited. I said okay and hung up.

I guess my heart knew that my son was ready to understand and respect another's feelings. I did not think anymore. I just walked up to him and told him what I felt and what had happened. He teared up a bit, but agreed to move all his stuff back to his room and not play with it the way he wanted to, until my grandmother had left. There was no long-drawn explanation needed from me. There was no meltdown like I had feared. He had simply understood. I was relieved and happy that I had followed my heart. It has not let me down till today.

We carried everything back to his room from the bed, and set it up in a corner, so he could access his other Lego bricks too. Everything had worked out peacefully and beautifully. I realised how the Universe had choreographed this so beautifully for all of us. I am grateful for that.

I also realised today that my trust in my child has deepened, and so had his. I believe that when children have been given the respect that is due to them, they will understand and show respect to others. When they have been given the space they need, they will make or create the space that others need. When they have been listened to, they will learn to listen to others.

Many years ago, I had learned this from a little group of children in a sacred little space (not school) called Bhavya, in Bangalore, which we had gone to visit. That was one of the first few spaces where Raghav was comfortable instantly, and did not even need me. I believe that there are some spaces where he perhaps feels and senses the vibes and energies of people and feels drawn to be himself and explore. I want to share an excerpt from a blog post that I wrote earlier about our experience in Bhavya, that first opened my eyes to empathy, respect and trust and what they really mean. I realised then what extent kids can go to, to listen deeply, trust and show respect to another human being - even someone who they had never met before. Can we as adults even come close to that, I wonder?

Some of the kids were playing in the sand pit and Raghav wanted a spade and a bucket that they had, to play by himself. He just went up to them and asked without any hesitation whatsoever - something that he rarely does! I am usually asked to be his voice or mouthpiece - a role that I am quite used to now. One of them asked him to wait till he finished, while another handed one of the things over to him immediately. Raghav then dug a bit in the sand pit, imagining that he was cooking something, while some of the kids watched, and then wanted to move to another sandy area near the pit. Sensing that, my friend told him that the sand in the sand pit was cleaner and different from the other sand, and the other kids around asked him to be careful not to mix up the sand from the two areas. That was my first learning point from the kids - that little things that we might not really give much thought to, are SO important to them.

After Raghav had finished his cooking and wanted to go on and explore other things, he was walking around with the bucket and spade in hand, saying that he wanted to keep it in a safe place, where no one would disturb it. He tried putting it down in different places, and at every spot, the kids told him how that place might not be so safe as it was in the way of kids running or walking around. They also said that others may not know when they see that bucket and spade, that it was something that he had made and might take it away or destroy it unknowingly. Finally, my friend's son, who was much older than the others, offered to make a sign board that said "DO NOT DISTURB THIS" and stick it into the bucket of sand; he also suggested that the bucket be kept under the slide as kids usually would go only on the slide. Raghav was finally satisfied with these suggestions, kept his creation under the slide with the sign in it, and went away content, with faith that his creation was finally in a safe place.

The extent to which each of them went to understand how precious that creation was to my son, moved and touched me so deeply, that even today it brings tears to my eyes. And they did not know my son - that was the first time they were seeing him, and the first time he was seeing them. Yet, there was a huge effort to understand and interact with trust and empathy, spontaneously, without any adult intervention or facilitation.

So then, do children really learn what they live? What do you think?

I need my space

My sister has come down with her family and so most days have been spent with them. My nephew who is almost five, follows Raghav wherever he goes and whatever he does, not leaving him out of his sight even for a single moment! They have had their share of tiffs and showdowns, but have mostly got along really well.

Today however, when I got a call from my sister, asking me what we could do, Raghav told me that he didn't want to spend time with them, and wanted to just be home with me. :) I asked him why and when we got talking, he shared so much more about how and what he was feeling. He said that after spending a whole day with his cousin, he needed a whole day off, to be by himself and feel better. " I need my space amma," he said quietly.

Then, we got talking some more. He came out with some observations of his little brother, which stunned me! He said, "Amma, A does not know how to say that he is bored and does not know how to say that he wants to stop doing something and do something else! So he starts bothering me." I nodded and smiled, thinking about how he had made these astute observations, and yet did not himself know how to tell his cousin brother this, or help him find a better way to express himself. And that is because, Raghav himself  has a difficulty in expressing how he is feeling about some things! :)

While I am astounded by his observations of people, I am also surprised and relieved that he knows what he needs so clearly at this young age, and understands the value of honouring one's own needs and space.  After all, I do believe that it is only when one is honoured and respected for who one is, can one reciprocate that...and only when you honour your needs and your space, can you honour someone else's.

So yes, I did honour his need and stayed home with him. I also was his voice to my sister and had to explain to her why he wanted to be home by himself. And yes, it was perhaps something that she did not expect or appreciate, and was difficult perhaps to understand, but we had to still honour our needs. We did just that.

We hung up on each other with heavy hearts perhaps, but later that afternoon, when the phone rang and I picked it up, it was my sister again asking if R would like to go with them to the light house, and when I asked him, he readily agreed to go along!

I truly believe this yet again, that when you honour your needs and do so without judging yourself or
the other, so many possibilities open up, that you wouldn't even have imagined were possible.
So give yourself some space when you need to, and you will find yourself  making space for the other quite unwittingly!

What I did at a Christmas lunch....

We were out for a Christmas lunch today, with my sister and her family and my parents....and just in case any of you wonder why we celebrate Christmas, here are the reasons - my brother-in-law is half Jew, half Christian, and so every year when they come down to visit us in December, we celebrate Christmas at home by exchanging presents, being with each other and going out for a family lunch. It makes them feel at home and it adds to the festive spirit that Raghav anyway brings and creates at home at this time of the year, as Christmas is one of his favourite festivals! :)

Usually, Raghav takes his iPad with him to restaurants, as he needs to watch or do something on it while eating, and also because he needs something to do while he waits for his food (waiting is hard for him!). Today however, even though we took the iPad along, he didn't ask for it even once! He and his cousin kept themselves busy drawing on the paper place mats....I thought I had to record this historic moment as there were two milestones of sorts that happened today - not asking for the iPad at all, even when his cousin played for a while on his dad's phone, and Raghav DRAWING! - That is a really huge thing and was a wow/ proud mama moment for me!

And when I watched with intent, each drawing came alive with his words as a story - complete with sound effects and details that are invisible to the naked eye :)

Here are his drawings from today....

The Solar System

The view of the earth from space with a hurricane and floating clouds....the International Space Station in the distance....Common Modules (including one re-entering the earth's atmosphere)....rockets being launched....the Hubble Space Telescope... and the moon with its craters :)

 A view of Saturn with its rings....the Cassini probe orbiting Saturn....a comet flying by....and a weird space animal (the part that looks like the sun) that Cassini found :)

 The outer and inner view of a space probe being launched

The intent of a reclusive artist :)