I am a Non- non-vegetarian!

Raghav just got back after an evening out with his dad, who went to meet and have dinner with his friends.

R: Do you know what happened there?
Me: Tell me...
R: Some of them ordered fish and chicken!
Me: Hmmm...so what happened? How did you feel?
R: Well, I was terrified! I mean I am completely non-non-vegetarian! I just wanted to get up and run away somewhere. But obviously I couldn't. So I hid myself under the table and held my nose.
Me: Ok. Did you tell appa that?
R: No. I couldn't. But actually, we should have just left. That is how I felt.
Me: What is it about fish and chicken that you don't like?
R: The smell.....but actually when it came, it didn't smell....and I got busy on my ipad and so I didn't even know, I guess.
Me: What is it about non-vegetarian food that makes you uncomfortable? That's what some people eat and like to eat no, just like we eat vegetarian food? That's what human beings have eaten since when they were cave men....right? If I tell you to stop eating some things that you like, would you be able to?
R: No, it will be difficult for me. Because I am addicted to that. But we don't need to eat that. We want to. Those days, that's all they could eat....animals and things....by hunting......but now, we have so much variety....so many different foods to choose from.....so we can eat just vegetarian food.

Physical Self Assessment

Some conversations from this morning....

R: Why is it that when I play darts, I rarely get to hit the target, how much ever I try? But when I am just casually throwing something, I most often hit my target?

Me: Why do you think it is so?

R: Maybe because when I am playing darts, I think too much about the target and wanting to win or score points. But when I am just casually throwing something, like my clothes into the washing machine, I most often don't miss the target because I am not thinking about it so much.

*************

R: Why is it that usually young people are more agile than old people?

Me: I guess due to a lot of reasons like age, lack of exercise, etc...But what do you think agility is?

R: Agility is when you can do some good tricks with your body....when it is flexible......like the acrobats and Ussain Bolt and the circus people.

Me: So do you think you are agile?

R: Yes. In some ways.....I can run fast, I can gallop, I can do my own cartwheel.....but I cannot also run fast through bends.....I don't know why. But I can gallop. I don't know why, but I think galloping is a more efficient way of moving than running. When I gallop, I can go fast and use less energy, I can stop and start easily and I can do it for a longer time than I can run. I don't run out of breath so fast.

Me: Ok. But what is efficiency?

R: Efficiency is when something is good....like a car or a machine...when it keeps resources for a longer time, like the lava bucket in Minecraft doesn't run out so easily when you put it into furnaces.........and it is also about speed....like when you lose less energy when you are running, then it is more efficient.....also if you can stop as easily as you can start.

And for me it was simply this.....

“I met a boy whose eyes showed me that the past, present and future were all the same thing.”
― Jennifer Elisabeth

On Opinions

I was getting the water ready for Raghav's bath this morning. And like he usually does, he relieved himself, washed his hands and went off to dry them out with a towel. And like I usually do, I asked him why he would want to do that, when he was anyway going to wet his whole body, including his hands, just a few seconds later, when he was going to have a bath! Usually, he would just smile to me and not even consider answering my question. Well, today he obliged!

Here is yet another priceless conversation we had, and of course while he was sitting in his tub of water....where he usually gives his morning durbar! :)

"I just like to do it that way!", he replied with a smile.

"Does that mean you can do whatever you like just because you like doing it that way?", I joked.

He of course smiled and answered me very seriously.

"Yeah....it is not bothering me....so yes, I can do it because I like doing it this way," he said.

Me: "So as long as it doesn't bother you, you can do whatever you like....is that what you are saying? But what if that bothers me?"

R: "Well, if it bothers you, then it is your problem!"

Me: "Does that mean I can do anything I want to, as long as it does not bother me? Like say killing someone or hurting someone..."

R: "No....not things like killing, punching someone, and all that kind of stuff....but getting angry, yes....as long as it does not bother me."

Me: "So what makes you think that killing or hitting someone or hurting them physically is not what you can do?"

R: "I don't know. That's just my opinion."

Me (surprised that he used that word): "What is an opinion?"

R: "It is what you think or feel about something."

Me: "So you think or feel that hurting someone physically is something that should not be done?"

R: "Yes...that is my opinion. We all have opinions on things no?"

Me: "Yes...so how do you think having an opinion helps, or doesn't help?"

R (after some thought) : "I don't know. I don't know how they help us. But when we have different opinions, and we want to change the other person's opinion, it usually leads to an argument."

Me: "How? Can you give an example?"

R: "Like for example if I think that the earth is round, and you think the earth is flat, we each have an opinion about how the earth is....and when I feel that what you are thinking is wrong and want to change that, it leads to an argument....because our opinions are different."

His words left me quite stunned and defenseless. Later however, I went up to him and asked him where he had heard this word, how he had discovered its meaning, and how he had figured out all this about opinions, and this is what he shared with me:
"Well, I have heard Blitzwinger use it in so many of his videos in MineCraft. I figured out the meaning on my own. He keeps saying 'if you have an opinion, please leave it in the comments section', which I never do! The rest, I just figured out on my own. I just know.....and I don't know how."

Conditioning - Understanding how the world works....

Raghav was in the tub after his bath this morning. Sometimes, that's where his inspiration and questing questions come from. And I love being in that space with him.

This morning, we were talking about something to do with his childhood. He wanted to know when he started walking, talking etc. and how. I shared with him how I felt that he didn't even try something until he felt 'ready' to do it - that was how it was with walking and talking and many things. I told him how he didn't crawl at all, nor hold on to things and walk so much. He just got up and started taking his first steps, and didn't even fall so much. A similar thing happened with talking. He would gurgle a lot as a baby, and babble a little, but there was not much of using unintelligible words with him. He spoke his first word when he had just turned one and it was very clear. The words he used after were also very precise and clear.

"So I didn't know how to talk when I was born right? Then how did you know what I needed?", he asked.

"Well, you cried....you couldn't talk then," I added.

"So then, you tested and found out what I was trying to say through my crying right?....you probably tried different things and found out which ones made me happy or comfortable?", he went on.

I was quite amazed at his logic and inference. So I asked him how he knew or guessed that and if he had read about it somewhere. This is what he shared:

"No. I just know. Because I have experienced that so many times in my life. Like some time back, I remember how I used to get so irritated and not know why or what was causing that irritation, and we talked about it, and you told me that we could think of some things which could be causing it. So we made a list - like needing to go to the bathroom, hunger, tiredness or sleep, or something else. And then I thought about and tried out each one every time I was irritated."

"Yeah....but how did that help?" I prodded on.

"Because by doing that I got to know what was it that was causing that irritation and what was not. It was by testing that I found out....some things made me feel happy and comfortable and some things didn't, and so I found out. ....and so I think that you also must have done the same thing when I was a baby and cried for everything..," he said.

I stood amazed at how these connections and learning happen effortlessly - how we learn about how we learn. :)

Discipline

I don't remember being disciplined by anyone while I was a kid and growing up. And with a husband and parents who gave me the space to be myself, I guess there was no real need for discipline. It came from within when it did. And when it didn't, well, I just fell and hurt myself and learned the hard way.

Discipline for me is about self-control and inner balance....knowing one's boundaries and limitations. And that comes with the freedom to explore. How many spaces do we have where we can explore that fearlessly? Where we can stop shushing ourselves or others for just being ourselves or themselves? Where we can truly honour people for whatever they are feeling or doing in the moment, and see them for who they are? I know that I don't do that all the time. I am not so large-hearted. But I am happy that I have been able to do that for my son and my husband, to a large extent, in the small thousand odd square feet of space that 'belongs' to us on this planet, and the limitless space in my heart, that I am of course unable to fathom and see for myself many a time. Maybe that is why we say: "Home is where the heart is".

As with all my other stories, that grew and evolved from deep darkness, this story of discipline too grew from that space. With my son. We had many challenges with him (which I hope to write about some day) more so because we were ill-equipped to deal with them. And so like most people in the crowd, we too resorted to 'train' him to put on his best behaviour, change and modify his behaviour when we felt it was 'bad', tried to explain how another person would feel if he did something that was disturbing to them, and so many more strategies. What we didn't realise was this - that the moment and conditions were not appropriate for these to work (what we call readiness) and that as a person, he was one who just could not and would not 'listen' to another. Everything had to come from him....from his own experience. Today I understand that better. Today I know that he is there to challenge and change the way people breathe....he is there to shake up the foundations of what we have built or created and believe as 'norms', and create something new himself. He is not there to do what others tell him to do, if it does not make sense to him. So yes, he is there to figure out his own boundaries through exploration and challenging what exists. And I am happy that my husband and I have been able to give him that space.

And yes, while our upbringing often plays an important part in the way we bring up our children, I am also seeing how there are other hands, other factors, other voices that play a role in that, often to the detriment of our children's freedom to learn and choose. But I am also able to see now, how that is also crucial to our evolution and interaction. Each ingredient adds to the flavour and aroma of what is being cooked.

A few weeks ago, Raghav had this long conversation with us about how he wanted to go back to eating 'corn puffs', which in my mind is a sticky, orange, addictive junk food. (You can read about that conversation here) And yet, because he had made out this whole plan on his own that he wanted to try out, we went with his choice and bought him a packet some days ago. He wanted only one packet, which he was going to keep for a whole week. This was what he wanted to do:

• he wanted to buy only one packet and check for himself how long that would last ( whether it would last a whole week or less)
• he wanted to eat only one cup (small one that he chose) every day - which he said was going to be the hardest for him to control, because when he ate some, he always had this urge of wanting to eat more :)
• if he finished the packet earlier, he wanted to wait for the week to go by before he bought another one
• he would brush his teeth every time, after he ate this and take care of his teeth.

He has about three more days to go for the week to finish and reflect on the challenge he posed himself. And he has done great up until now! He has kept to the boundaries that he has drawn up for himself (I don't think I have the kind of self-discipline that he has, even at this age). And I also don't care if he fails to meet his own challenge. I know that there will be something for all of us to learn either way. And that is what is most important.

My wish is for children and adults to have the space to explore what discipline means to them individually. My wish is for more of us to start creating those spaces in our little homes, or where we truly feel that we belong and can be ourselves. 

Discipline needs devotion and commitment. Can we be devoted and committed to our own selves and our boundaries?

~

"Discipline yourself, and others won't have to."

Of Battles, Corn Puffs and Self-Discipline

Raghav loves eating corn puffs....the bright orange, sticky, spicy stuff that comes in packets, which we get fresh only in one store. That is probably the only 'junk' food he loves - no aerated drinks, juices and chips in packets. Not for him. But some months ago, he had two root canals done and stopped eating chocolates and this on his own. If someone brought him chocolates, he would politely refuse to take them, saying that he didn't eat them anymore. We thought that was the end of his explorations with these foods. But knowing how he likes to form his own boundaries, we should have known better! :)

Suddenly, a few days ago, he expressed a desire to eat corn puffs again. I guess he was reminded of it when we passed that store. Both Srinath and I said that we would like to talk about it a little more before deciding on anything, but we all forgot. A little while ago, Raghav remembered again and wanted to have a discussion. This is how it went.....

R: I really want to have corn puffs again.

Me: Why do you want it again now?

R: Because I love the feeling in my mouth when I eat it, and the taste. It kind of just melts in my mouth, and it is so easy to eat....I don't have to chew at all....

Me: Ok. So you like it because it is so easy to eat and it melts in your mouth? How about 'pori' (puffed rice)? You love that too don't you? That also melts in the mouth and is easy to eat no?

R: Yes, but corn puffs is different. It has holes in it, through which the saliva goes in and soaks it up. Pori takes longer to melt and is not so tasty. I like the taste and the feeling of the corn puffs in my mouth.

Me: Yeah...I understand.....but I am worried about your eating corn puffs, because you don't or forget to gargle your mouth after eating anything, and don't like to be reminded too....and I am worried that you might get your tooth problems again....do you remember what the dentist told you about cleaning your teeth after every meal, especially after eating sticky food?

R: Yes. But I will gargle and clean my teeth. I will make it a routine. Let's do one thing....here is my plan....we buy one packet of corn puffs for the whole week. I will eat only half a cup each day and only one time. Let's see how long that one packet lasts. And I will clean my teeth after each time.

S: But there is one more thing I am worried about. How do you know what there is in that corn puff? Does it list the ingredients? What if it has some chemicals or stuff that is not good for your body. We don't know what they put in it.

R: It must be made of corn flour. It does have ingredients listed on it. I like the taste and feeling.

Me: So you would rather have it because you like that taste and feeling, than think about what it might have, even if that  might not be good for your body?

S: Then why do you insist that we buy organic vegetables? We can eat anything no?

R (telling us the story with his hands): See...let me tell you....it's like this...suppose there is a battle of two teams....one team, which is the 'taste and feeling of corn puffs team' has 100 soldiers, and the other which is the 'organic' team has 90 soldiers....the 'taste and feeling' team wins because it is stronger.

We laughed and continued....it is great fun having these conversations! :)

Me: But isn't that unfair? One team is already stronger than the other. It will always win!

S: So going with the taste and feeling is stronger than whether it is organic or not or full of chemicals or not?

R: Yes. So if it is a battle between two teams - the 'organic' team which has 100 soldiers and the 'taste' team which has 90 soldiers, then the 'organic' team will win, because it is more important for me to eat organic vegetables than just eat anything else for taste.

The choice was made, the decision sealed! And I guess learning to discipline one's self, has to come from within, not without... and yes, it comes at a cost....a cost which one cannot measure if one measures it with the usual yardsticks.

Learning and Teaching - Where does one stop and the other end?

Some months ago, Raghav was talking about wanting to do a talk on astronomy, based on all that he had learned on his own, through reading books, watching DVDs and poring through websites. He wanted to share what he had learned with others. It was the first time he had voluntarily asked to organize an interactive session with children and adults.

As we got down to planning his talk, which was more for me to understand what he was wanting to do, I began to put down things that he wanted to share, give or do with people, as a mind-map. While we were talking, I realised that he had actually got it all planned in his head to the tee, and even in sequence, although it was not against a specific time frame. He also mentioned to me that he would like to do a PowerPoint presentation with pictures of planets etc., similar to the one we did on his Lego creations. Now that got me more interested, as I finally had something to do :). So we spoke at length about what we should put into it, what we should leave out, how to break it up, and so on. I was quite amazed at the clarity he had inside his head about all this, while I needed my pen and paper to think through it all :)

One thing that stood out from this long conversation we had was this:
"Amma, yes I know we will do a PowerPoint, and also fix a day to call my friends and others over for the talk, but what if I learn something more about all this in the time between planning and actually doing the talk? How will I put it in? How will I share it with them?"

I realised how stifling structure could be for a person who is such a free spirit in his whole being. Yes, there are ways we could work around those points. But that was not the point.

The point was that he had actually touched upon one of the most important aspects of learning and teaching....that to teach, you have to be a lifelong learner, and to learn, you have to keep your mind and heart open all the time - open to learning something every moment. Learning flows like a river with no visible beginning nor end.....it is an endless cycle actually, unless we see it with narrow eyes - as starting from a spring and ending in the sea. For where does the spring begin and the sea end??

I also realised for myself, that I had never truly seen teaching that way. Yes, I have given many lectures to teacher trainees and others, and taught kids with special needs. I have gone with an open mind and heart and shared my limited knowledge with humility, with no fear of saying "I don't know". And yet, I had not been truly open, not in the way he was suggesting. I had my lesson plans and objectives. I planned for a session and went with that, although I was open to being flexible and learning from the group during the session. But there was a gap - a space in time between the planning and the execution, where I had perhaps not kept my mind and heart so truly open. And that I think was the gap he was talking about.

Today, we still haven't made any headway with this talk. It is still in the air, talked about occasionally. Today he has moved on to other things. Despite making so many plans, including thinking about getting others to watch and listen to his talk on skype, making small take-away gifts for those who attend, and so much more. Yes, it was fun planning all that with him. And yes, I know that he may still not do this talk ever. Or he actually might. But I don't care really. I am happy to keep learning with, through and from him, every moment, because to be with him is to constantly be in touch with myself. There is no other way. There is no greater learning than that for me. And I know in my heart that he knows, and that he knows and understands learning and teaching way better than I do and will ever know. And that is all that really matters .

So where does learning or teaching begin or end? Do you have any thoughts on this that you would like to share?

Words and their meanings

Last night we were driving back home after having dinner at a restaurant. My parents (Raghav's grandparents) were with us. We were at a roundabout, when all of a sudden, a man on a motorbike, sped in from the right, overtook us pretty close, and weaved in and out of the traffic in front of us, almost doing a little dance, while revving up his engine. We all held our breath watching the way he drove. "Why would he do something like that?!" exclaimed Raghav. My tired self mumbled: " He must be showing off his new bike"....and I knew even though I was half asleep, that I had done myself in. :) ... I should have known better - that I cannot get away with words, with Raghav around!

"What does that mean? What do you mean by showing off?", he asked innocently. I was flummoxed. I couldn't find the words to explain to him. He insisted that I explain. I asked my father to bail me out, and he explained it so beautifully, with a little story, without using the word "showing off" at all! Then, we thought of a few more examples together, about instances when we felt somebody was showing off, including Raghav!

"So then, showing off means you are actually comparing yourself to someone else no?", he said, in a very matter-of-fact manner. :) Who would have thought that showing off  is actually reflecting something deeper? Perhaps the need to show off stems from not feeling okay about oneself, and hence the need to seek attention and recognition, and comparing oneself to another to feel better about it. I was stumped by the depth of his understanding!

I have grown up in a system where the usual thing to do when one is stuck with the meaning of a word is to look up a dictionary. I realised today that there are other ways to learn the meanings of words - that life gives you real ways to understand some meanings, if only you see those with an open, non-judgmental mind...a mind that is free from scripts....a mind that is like a clean slate, that creates its own strokes and connections.

Raghav's Lego Tutorial

Raghav is pretty much independent in searching for stuff on YouTube and through Google now. A few weeks ago, he stumbled on JAYSTEPHER who has a YouTube channel with Lego Tutorials and he has been super-excited with his new find! :)

When he is not watching BrainPop videos on his iPad these days, Raghav has been poring over these tutorials and building fantastic new creations. It has been fascinating for me to watch him use the tutorial completely on his own and making new things with his Lego bricks. He will first choose the video he wants to watch, set the iPad on the floor in front of himself, and then get building, while pausing rewinding and fast-forwarding the video as he follows it step by step, searching for the correct bricks, checking to see if he has missed a step and so on. I just loove the power of the internet and am so grateful for it as a tool for a self-learner like my son!

I think these tutorials inspired him so much that he wanted to try and do one of his own today. While he has been showing and teaching me how to build small things, over the last few weeks, much like a live demo, it was only today that he was okay with me to video him....and it was a great experience for both an amateur photographer like me, and for my son.

We made some five or six attempts to video these between the door bell ringing, my phone ringing, the camera's memory getting used up and Raghav forgetting a few steps! He realised on his own, that he had to know it all by heart and in his head, if he wanted to make a video tutorial. He does also often keep saying that he is forgetful and this I thought was a great way for him to know his strengths and evaluate his memory for himself. At one point, when he knew he had gone wrong, he asked me to stop recording and restart, only after he had gone through the steps once again by himself and had figured out where he had gone wrong on his own. I was but a witness to the learning process of a self-learner!

Here are the two recordings we made today....enjoy and do give us your feedback! :) That would be helpful!

How to build a Lego fridge

How to build a Lego Table Tennis table

Here are some of the other creations that Raghav made recently, using JAYSTEPHER's videos...

A merry-go-round

A slide

A Public Restroom (do take a look at the details!)

The inside view - the pots and toilet rolls :)

doors that open and shut

wash basins and towel holder