Of Sauron, Crows and Twitter Spies!

Raghav was showing me his progress in one of the games he is playing - Lego - The Lord of the Rings. At one point, some giant black birds (crows) suddenly appear out of nowhere, and perch on the rock face of the mountains, watching Aragorn, Frodo, Sam and Gandalf...what they were up to. The conversation that ensued had me in splits and wonder! :)

Raghav: "Oh gosh! Now don't tell me Sauron's using Twitter!"

Me: "What??! What do you mean by that?"

Raghav: "You know, the evil Sauron, I think, has sent these 'twitter spies' to keep an eye on us.....you know, birds as messengers, who will carry messages to him about our whereabouts!"

Me: "Twitter spies?! Now where did you hear of that?!"

Raghav: "I made that up! You know what Twitter is don't you?...that popular messaging website that the whole world uses, with the bird logo?...where people keep sending messages to each other?....the whole world seems to be using that! I've seen some messages and the logo while watching some of my videos on Youtube."

!!! :) I was completely flummoxed with his revelations, basking in my old-found glory of being an ignorant fool (I know less about Twitter than he does!), and holding my sides and laughing at the seamless joyful connections that were being made so effortlessly!

Conditioning - Understanding how the world works....

Raghav was in the tub after his bath this morning. Sometimes, that's where his inspiration and questing questions come from. And I love being in that space with him.

This morning, we were talking about something to do with his childhood. He wanted to know when he started walking, talking etc. and how. I shared with him how I felt that he didn't even try something until he felt 'ready' to do it - that was how it was with walking and talking and many things. I told him how he didn't crawl at all, nor hold on to things and walk so much. He just got up and started taking his first steps, and didn't even fall so much. A similar thing happened with talking. He would gurgle a lot as a baby, and babble a little, but there was not much of using unintelligible words with him. He spoke his first word when he had just turned one and it was very clear. The words he used after were also very precise and clear.

"So I didn't know how to talk when I was born right? Then how did you know what I needed?", he asked.

"Well, you cried....you couldn't talk then," I added.

"So then, you tested and found out what I was trying to say through my crying right?....you probably tried different things and found out which ones made me happy or comfortable?", he went on.

I was quite amazed at his logic and inference. So I asked him how he knew or guessed that and if he had read about it somewhere. This is what he shared:

"No. I just know. Because I have experienced that so many times in my life. Like some time back, I remember how I used to get so irritated and not know why or what was causing that irritation, and we talked about it, and you told me that we could think of some things which could be causing it. So we made a list - like needing to go to the bathroom, hunger, tiredness or sleep, or something else. And then I thought about and tried out each one every time I was irritated."

"Yeah....but how did that help?" I prodded on.

"Because by doing that I got to know what was it that was causing that irritation and what was not. It was by testing that I found out....some things made me feel happy and comfortable and some things didn't, and so I found out. ....and so I think that you also must have done the same thing when I was a baby and cried for everything..," he said.

I stood amazed at how these connections and learning happen effortlessly - how we learn about how we learn. :)

Conversations

Conversations.
Yes, that's what we do for most parts of the day.
That's how we connect.
That's how we learn.
That's how we have fun.
Here are some from today....

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A Measure of Love

Of late, Raghav has been coming up to me and hugging and kissing me a lot, just out of the blue....when he is walking past, or when he comes close to me to share something with me, or when he suddenly remembers me and feels like doing that. It has been such a pleasure to be at the receiving end....every time my heart just fills up to the brim and overflows.....I am discovering this new way of being with him in the moment fully....and a sense of freedom...as if something between us has given (in a positive way)....and basking in this very 'different' kind of joy :)

So this afternoon, while I was sitting and reading something, he came up to me and hugged me, gave me two pecks on either cheek, which I returned, and said this: "Amma, do you know how much I love you and appa?"

I smiled and he added, looking into the sky for a moment: "I love you more than a million iPads!"
What a wonderful way of measuring love! :)

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See things for what they are!

I was talking to a friend on the phone while Raghav was first making his salad and then eating it. Just as he finished eating, he realised that I was still on the phone, and came up to me and said :" Amma, you are still on the phone! You have been talking for like two hours! When are you going to hang up?"

(I am not feeling guilty, but want to say that Raghav's estimate of time can be quite off the mark :) )

I laughed and shared that with my friend and we decided to hang up.

As soon as I hung up , Raghav turns around and tells me this:
"I didn't want or ask you to hang up. I only said that you were on the phone two hours! I am going to build with Lego now.....you can talk if you like!"

:) I learned my lesson. It was loud and clear.

See and hear things only for what they are, not for what you think they are. :)

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This morning Raghav was sharing some things that he had heard and seen on BrainPop, on periods, the reproductive system and so on. He was asking me how I felt during my periods - whether I feel pain, whether it hurt like when we get a wound that bleeds, how much I knew about it and so on. 

After listening to my sharing, he wanted me to watch that video with him. And then we got talking about other things...like why the female reproductive organ is different from the male one, why the testes 'hang' down and outside the body, whether we can find out the sex of the foetus before it was born etc. So I told him how determining the sex of the foetus was banned here and why. We talked about female infanticide, marriage, dowry and stereotypes - how in many places young girls are not allowed to complete their education when they reach puberty, not allowed to work and earn their livelihood and forced to fit into the roles defined by others in the family - like staying at home, taking care of children and so on.

"But why would they kill baby girls now when they have so many years to go to go to school, earn money, get married and all that? How do they know what is going to happen after so many years now? Why do they feel that that is how it is going to be? Maybe all that will change no?", he asked.

I smiled. I had no answer to give or words to share with him. 

Yes, there is really nothing more simple to do than to stay with and in the moment, and yet that is often the hardest thing to do! Phew!

Minecraft and We Come Alive!

Of late, Raghav has been asking a lot of questions about his body and I kind of sensed what was on its way.....but never in my wildest of dreams did I think that it would come up through Minecraft!

Here are some of the questions that came up from him just before he was getting ready for a bath a few days ago:
What are these two things? (feeling his breast area and nipples)
Why do men and boys have them?
Why are they different for women?
Why does this (pointing to his penis) stand up erect after I go to the bathroom?
I have seen you 'nanga panga' (naked) many a time, but I haven't seen your thing (my genitals). How is it different for you?
Why do only men have these two things hanging (pointing to his testes)? I know they are the testes and I think they produce the sperm cells. But why don't women have these?
Does it hurt for babies when the umbilical cord is cut? Why do they have to cut it? Won't it just fall off by itself?
I think there are more girls than boys in the world. Is that right? Why is it like that? Why are there not equal numbers of both?

These were questions that I don't remember asking anyone while I was growing up. No one talked to me about growing up, puberty, sex and my body. All that I remember is that my parents handed me a book on sex education when I had just started my periods I think. And that was that. Most conversations on these topics were with school friends and our Biology teacher (he had an awesome sense of humour by the way, which freed us and our thoughts and feelings). Somehow I don't remember being so curious about my body and asking so many questions. Perhaps school and being with friends (it was a co-ed school from KG till the 12th) took care of all the curiosity. So in many ways, I am grateful to Life for not giving me experiences that 'conditioned' me (at least to a large extent) in a 'negative' way, at least in this one aspect of my life. I formed my own opinions about my body and my sexuality. And so I was able, today, to share my thoughts and some knowledge with my son with a pure innocence, without thinking about what I should tell him and how. However, I also remembered the day Raghav came back home from school and sobbed and sobbed asking me why he was not allowed to sit next to, hug and talk to his best friend (who happened to be a girl), when all he was doing was showing how much he loved her.....just like the way the three of us hugged each other at home.....and he was all of four then!

The questions for which I knew the answers, I gave him. I felt it was important to name all the parts by their 'real' names first. So that was what I did....and for the rest, reminded him about BrainPop, the Kidshealth.org website that we often go to and the Human Body Encyclopaedia that we have. And also suggested he have a man-to-man chat with his father when he came back home. Most often, I find that Raghav just needs this little nudge or a pointer rather, as to where and how to look or find out, and then he is often neck deep in whatever he has chosen to explore :)

He then went on to explain to me how he had seen a video on Brainpop about how sperms are produced and how when the egg meets the sperm, an embryo is formed. Then the conversation flowed to AIDS, what it stands for and how one gets it. In all this, there was no talk about 'how' exactly the body fluids meet and what actually happens. But I let that be and decided not give him what he did not ask for now.

I also had a feeling after this barrage of questions, that he would very soon ask me if he could see my genitals, as he has mentioned that before in passing. That is going to be a huge test for me and I also know deep down that I have to face the fear that I have about that. But I also feel that it is better if he asks me and I can tell or show him, rather than his getting misinformation from somewhere else some day. Not that that would make a huge difference, because we are all anyway constantly unlearning stuff! But I would. I would want to if it comes to that. However I feel about it now.

I also remembered a conversation some of us had at the special school I was working at years ago, on sexuality and the disabled. I remembered how a mother who was also on the staff rolls, shared with us how she would not hesitate to help her son masturbate or seek sexual gratification from a prostitute even, instead of curbing his natural urges. That conversation has stuck in my head. That opened up so much for me. And I am thankful to that truly magical place that has given me so much in my life, made me question everything that I believed in, and constantly spurred me to think and see things with new eyes.

Today, while we were driving for our weekly veggie shopping, instead of listening to music like we usually do , Raghav decided he would talk about a Minecraft Mod. The name of the Mod was "Minecraft Comes Alive". And what was that about? Marriage, having children, relationships, happiness levels, doing chores, and much more!
"Yes amma, this is much more real than the other mods," Raghav beamed, and went on to explain what one could do with this mod.
"But I don't understand why you would need to get married to have children. I mean....marriage was invented by humans right? It is not something of the body.....the body does not say - ok, now marriage is invented, so I can reproduce or have children...I am sure and I know that before marriage was invented people must have just had children....just like that," he added.
I agreed and also shared how some people adopt kids, how some people have kids and then get divorced, and so they are no longer 'married' in that sense, and how some people just have children without getting married at all. But I was quite baffled with his previous comments and asked him how he knew all that about marriage.

"I have been to marriages before haven't I....with you? I know because I have seen what we do in them....we have all those ceremonies and stuff.....all that has to be man-made right? But it is not what the body asks for is it?", he said.
"Yes....what does marriage mean to you then? How are babies born then?", I prodded on.
"I don't know....but I know that marriage is man-made, and that you don't need to be married to have children.... and when the sperm cells somehow are around the female, babies are formed," he added.
I smiled, realizing finally that this was the innocence of a child speaking. He knew so much and was even able to think through so much on his own and form his own opinions, and yet he did not know how exactly the sperm and the egg came together to form a baby. And so I told him. I gave him the word for it and explained how a baby could form - how the male organ had to get inside the female organ. We spoke about periods and how that was linked to the egg being produced. We also talked about what the chances were of girls and boys being born and why, connected it to pollination in plants and the countless seeds that a plant produces just to help it survive, how nature works and does whatever possible to make things survive.  Then he brought up 'happiness levels' and how villagers in Minecraft could go away if their happiness levels get below a particular point. And we spoke about how in the real world, we choose to stay on or walk away from relationships and why, how we don't always seek an easy, quick solution to a problem, just because we are unhappy and so on. He also wondered how the children in this Mod, can walk and talk and understand words, just soon after they were born! "How is that even possible amma?", he asked. And we laughed....at the realism and unreal-ism in Minecraft. What a conversation that was!

I am grateful to Minecraft for bringing these topics up in a fun, light way. I guess it made my job all the more easy, although I never dreamed that this talk would actually happen in this way! :)
I am also grateful to Life for showing me the way yet again, to trust my child, and trust what he wants to learn and how. I know that many more questions will come up, now that we have dug into this mine, and I will wait for them patiently, knowing that he will ask us without fear, and that Life will show me the way.

I just have to trust Life completely. I just have to wake up to being real and alive, messy and human, innocent and vulnerable, as many times as Life asks me to. There is just no other way. For me.

Words and their meanings

Last night we were driving back home after having dinner at a restaurant. My parents (Raghav's grandparents) were with us. We were at a roundabout, when all of a sudden, a man on a motorbike, sped in from the right, overtook us pretty close, and weaved in and out of the traffic in front of us, almost doing a little dance, while revving up his engine. We all held our breath watching the way he drove. "Why would he do something like that?!" exclaimed Raghav. My tired self mumbled: " He must be showing off his new bike"....and I knew even though I was half asleep, that I had done myself in. :) ... I should have known better - that I cannot get away with words, with Raghav around!

"What does that mean? What do you mean by showing off?", he asked innocently. I was flummoxed. I couldn't find the words to explain to him. He insisted that I explain. I asked my father to bail me out, and he explained it so beautifully, with a little story, without using the word "showing off" at all! Then, we thought of a few more examples together, about instances when we felt somebody was showing off, including Raghav!

"So then, showing off means you are actually comparing yourself to someone else no?", he said, in a very matter-of-fact manner. :) Who would have thought that showing off  is actually reflecting something deeper? Perhaps the need to show off stems from not feeling okay about oneself, and hence the need to seek attention and recognition, and comparing oneself to another to feel better about it. I was stumped by the depth of his understanding!

I have grown up in a system where the usual thing to do when one is stuck with the meaning of a word is to look up a dictionary. I realised today that there are other ways to learn the meanings of words - that life gives you real ways to understand some meanings, if only you see those with an open, non-judgmental mind...a mind that is free from scripts....a mind that is like a clean slate, that creates its own strokes and connections.

What do Lasagna and Geography have in common??

Yes. What do Lasagne and Geography have in common - you may wonder?...I am beginning to learn that these connections are difficult to make, often only for us adults, as we have set patterns of thinking and doing, unlike children who are constantly adapting to and learning from and with their environment.

This afternoon, we were at a restaurant to have lunch with an old friend and colleague of my husband, who had come down from Delhi. Raghav had ordered some lasagna, which was brought piping hot. So he was waiting for it to cool. While watching it sitting in front of him, he observed : "You know what the cheesy crust reminds me of? It looks like the pointed peaks of tall mountains, jutting out above the floating clouds!" Then he dug into it with his fork and watched the steam coming out from it saying: " See...the crust on the lasagna is trapping the heat, just like the earth's crust traps heat, which comes out sometimes from cracks in it, as magma or steam...so if the earth did not have a crust, maybe the heat will not get trapped!"

He breathed life into three lifeless adults with those words! I woke up and started eating my food with a new-found joy.

Connections.  Connecting with people, words, things, feelings, and everything else....that is what makes up the fabric of our lives.