Gifts

We got a call from my father while were visiting a friend today, asking us to stop by at the Titan showroom on our way back home. My father had received a gift of a watch from my mother's sister, which did not work at all. So when my father went to complain and get a replacement, he was asked to come back and take another watch for free (besides the one they replaced free of cost) worth 1000Rs. And he wanted to gift that to Raghav! But Raghav refused to come with us to the shop and also refused the gift. He promised to call my father when we got home and explain why he did not want that gift.

Sure enough, as soon as we got home he picked up the phone and called my father on his own. I was pleased that he was not only taking a stand, but also following it through by facing the consequences on his own, without asking me to be his voice. This was the conversation that ensued between grandfather and grandson :)
(I happened to be privy to this exchange only because R likes to talk only on speaker mode)

R: "I don't really need that watch thatha."
My father: "But I want to give it to you as a gift."
R: "But I don't need a watch....and even if you give it as a gift to me, I most probably will not use it."
My father: "You may not use it now, but sometime later you may want to use it....if you wear it, you will be able to read the time on your own."
R: "But I can already read the time on our clock."
My father: "Yes, but if you have a watch, you can read the time even when you are outside the house!"
R: "But I don't really need to read the time. I can ask someone if I need to know the time....I don't need to read the time because I know what time it is by looking at the sun....when it starts to get dark, I know what time it would be....and also it is a waste of money."
My father: "Ok. Why don't you anyway choose one and keep it. If you feel you would like to use it later, you can, or else you can give it to A (his cousin) when he comes, as your gift to him."
(and he went on to explain the story about his watch and how he was getting this one free)
R: "But I really don't need a watch...", and he gave the phone to me, giving up on my father. :)

After he hung up, we had a little chat about it.
"Will A know how to read the time on a watch if we give it to him as a gift?", he asked me.
"He may not know, but maybe it will help him get interested in learning how to read the time, just like that clock helped you....remember?," I added.

This is one of the many many conversations we have had with Raghav about gifts and giving. He has possessed quite a remarkable clarity of what he wanted or needed from very early on. He would (and still does) not accept gifts easily from people - simply because for him, if it was not something he needed, it was not a gift. He would also not say thank you or smile at the person giving the gift, unless they had given him something he really liked. He is still not able to see it from the other person's perspective, in spite of all the conversations we have had about this, their feelings etc. For a long time I would get upset with what he did (he would openly say that he didn't want or need it or ask why they gave it to him, or even purse his lips and grimace or smirk). Because I felt he had to care about another person's feelings.... "he has to be kind" was the commentary I was listening to.....that loud old voice inside that needs just the tiniest of cracks to slip through!....and I would try hard to help him see the other person's point of view. But he didn't get that.





 

“A gift is pure when it is given from the heart to the right person at the right time and at the right place, and when we expect nothing in return.” 

 

- The Bhagavad Gita

He would say: "But I don't like that gift and I don't need that. I don't ask or expect people to give me anything. Why should I take something that I don't like or will not use? How can I smile or say thank you when I don't really like it?"

And we would have long discussions on how people feel happy to give, how giving is an expression of affection or love, about how people would feel if we rejected their gift, and so on. But no matter how much we talked, the conversation would come back to this: "But I don't really need that gift!"

It was then that I realised that there was some truth in what he was saying. Connecting the dots backwards from there, I realised that his non-acceptance of some gifts was not because he could not appreciate and experience the joy of giving, nor was it because he could not see the other person's point of view. In fact it was I who was caught in the trappings of societal norms and niceties and conditioning. It was I who was not seeing his point of view. Here he was questioning and breaking all norms and customs that didn't make any sense to him and perhaps our times, and I was just not listening to his loud, clear voice. I was trying to help him understand the other person's feelings, without beginning to understand him.

A few years ago, where we lived earlier, I remember how he had asked me to buy something new for the security lady's daughters for Diwali. He had listened to me speaking about them - how they probably did not have enough money to buy anything for Diwali as his mother was the only one working, how their father was not living with them etc.. And he immediately wanted us to get something for the two girls. He was very particular that it should be something new, not used or old. So we found out from that lady what kind of things they liked and then got them that for Diwali - it was a craft kit where they could make their own jewellery with beads etc. They were so happy to receive a gift like that!

Similarly, we would have long discussions about giving away his old toys to orphanages. He would insist that we buy only new ones for the kids. "They must have new ones. I would not like to play with old, used toys," he told me. And we would rush off into discussions about consumerism, recycling, reusing, saving the environment and so on. Yes, he knew a lot about all those issues. But he would still say "No, but I want to give them new toys."

It was then that I realised that I was perhaps pushing him to do something he was not ready to do as yet. And why should he be ready now? Why do I want to put the world's problems on his small shoulders at such a young age and rob him and the other kids of their happy childhood? He has a whole lifetime to figure that out himself and make his own choice. Why should I dialogue with him on all this when his happiness of giving someone something was simple and unadulterated? Why should I make him get into a guilt trip of being an 'irresponsible', 'insensitive' child consumer who does not know the value of reusing and recycling? Won't that emerge on its own from within when he has had his fill? And when it comes from within, won't it be just that more beautiful? Why this race to make my kid into the adult that I could not be or a part of the world that I like to or want to see? And so I decided to wait for that day.

That day came much later when we had to move house. He was ready to give away the stuff he no longer needed. He wanted to have a jumble sale and what did not get sold, he gave away to those who were okay to take them. And he gave happily. It came on its own, just like it had before. I was glad that I had waited for that day. I was happy that I did not 'mould' him into the person I wanted him to be. I was relieved that I had seen him for who he was. That had made all the difference.

Of late, he is also a little more accepting of gifts. But not totally. He now understands a little more that he can always choose to give what he doesn't like to someone else who might just love it. But not always. It is hard to predict with Raghav. He has a knack of bringing me face to face with my fears every now and then. So when I am not centred and have the slightest self-doubt, he will do or say something to bring that up to the surface. At least that is the way I see it. So now, we tell people, including family, what he would like as a gift, and otherwise just let them know that it is quite okay if they don't get him anything. He himself tells his grandparents - "You don't have to get me anything for my birthday. It's okay. Appa and amma will get me what I want." And they too are beginning to understand :)

True giving is not easy. It requires us to be in touch with ourselves and the other. Raghav helped me see that in a new way. He redefined 'giving' and 'gift' for me. And that has been his biggest and best gift to me!

Perhaps kids like him are here to make us revisit and rethink these old, obsolete, narrow definitions of 'giving', 'gift' and many other things. Perhaps they are the ones who are clearing their own paths for their tomorrows. Perhaps all we need to do is to listen to the songs of their souls and help them clear their paths as they dance into a joyous tomorrow. Perhaps that is the best gift that we will ever give them.

So how do you define a gift and giving? Have you stopped to think about this before you give someone something?

Kindness is a Choice

Last night, cuddled in bed before closing our eyes, I shared with Raghav a beautiful, poignant story of kindness that I heard while watching a Youtube video of Pavi Mehta speaking about the power of kindness and giftivism. You can listen to that inspiring talk here. It left me with a sense of joy and peace and an overwhelming feeling of love and faith in humanity.

The story was of a young man who was walking along the road and was threatened with a knife to part with his wallet, by a young boy. The man willingly gave up his wallet, and also offered the boy his coat, which might come in handy as he roamed the streets in the cold night. The boy took it too. Then, just as he was walking away, the man asked if he had had dinner. The boy shook his head. The man then said they could go down together to the restaurant down the road and have dinner. So they went and sat down at the table opposite each other. They ordered something and ate. The waiter then came with the bill. The man looked at it and said: "I could buy you your dinner, but you have my wallet." The boy slowly pushed the wallet over to the man. He took the wallet, paid the bill and then said : " You know, I want to ask you one more thing. Can I have your knife?" The boy thought for a moment and handed over his knife to the man.

Raghav loved the story. He beamed from ear to ear; his face lit up. He didn't say a word. Nor did I. We just looked into each others' faces with a kind of knowing and being. It was beautiful to share that sacred space in silence.

Then, I went on to share with him what that story and the talk inspired me to do and think about. I wanted to make smile cards (I got the idea from here ) in English and Tamil, design them myself and pass them on to people we meet, when they least expect it. He smiled and acknowledged my idea, but went on to say this -

"It is all ok to give a smile card and be kind to people.....but then it is his choice, and up to him to be kind or not and pass it on to others."

This little soul stuns me with his casual profundities. And yes, kindness is a choice. Always.

On Sharing and Giving

Yesterday we had a good online chat of homeschoolers which happens almost every month. One of the questions seemed to touch upon the 'touchy' subject - sharing among kids. There was a discussion about how if one 'has enough', one will give or share happily.

I have been thinking about this and would like to add that I think it is not enough if one 'has enough' (and this has to be determined by the giver himself and not by the others), but rather if one 'has possessed/owned enough'. When one feels that he/she has owned enough, when he has been given the space to say no as many times as he felt/wanted to, when he 'feels' he has 'possessed enough', I think he will give from a space of compassion, peace and joy and truly experience what it means to really give. When giving comes from a space within that one has experienced, because he/she has been respected for who he/she is, then one learns to give, with respect to the person receiving that gift too.

So can we wait, for as long as it takes, for this to unfold naturally, on its own, with our kids, and be witnesses to its beauty? Can we respect them for who they choose to be now, instead of wanting to 'mould' them into the 'perfect' human beings that we often want them to be?

'Sharing' or 'Giving' has been something very close to my heart as I have grappled with it when I was a child, and then with my son and husband. I have learned a lot about myself and them from those life experiences. 

While I was growing up, being the older one, I was 'forced' to 'give', 'give in' or 'share' with my younger sister. I say forced because I was either asked to by others, or did so to be 'good' and to please others. In both cases I feel that I was not in touch with my inner self. Giving and sharing for me, did not come from a space of happiness, but rather from a space of pain, which I realised eons later, only when I watched and listened to my son. Till today, I have to consciously 'work' on this....I give easily when I am not asked, but when I am asked, it takes a lot more effort on my part.

When Raghav was very little and had a growing collection of cars, one day a friend of ours dropped in with his son, who also loved cars. For other reasons perhaps, that kid cried bitterly as he was leaving our house, and he badly wanted to carry home one of Raghav's cars. I remember asking Raghav if he was ok to give him a car that he did not want so much. He readily agreed, handing out a little white car to that bawling kid. He remembered that white car for a long time after that. :)

There have been numerous other times when Raghav has not wanted to share any of his toys with other kids, including his own cousin brother. We have respected that and been a voice to those kids and moms countless of times, explaining how he wasn't ready as yet to share those with them. Some have understood, and some others haven't. It used to worry me a lot in the beginning that he wasn't sharing, and even felt embarrassed to be the one to explain to them. When I realised why he was being that way and that it was ok to not want to share, until he himself wanted to, these things became very easy to accept and handle. 

I remember how I was so deeply touched by what Raghav said, when we were planning what to give to the two little girls of the security woman in our earlier apartment complex, for Diwali one year....Raghav was asking us about their father, and I told him how he had gone away, that this lady was working and taking care of her two kids, and that they probably could not afford to get new things for Diwali. Raghav immediately spoke up and said that we should buy them something useful, not fire crackers, and also give them something new; not give away something old or used. He has always had this thing about wanting to give new or hand-made things as gifts to people, not pre-owned things.

I also have a husband who is so so large-hearted :) that he makes me feel envious sometimes! Being between two people like this has made me ponder and rethink everything that I held on to about sharing and giving. They have opened my eyes to new ways of seeing.

My husband can dole out money and things to people without a care, whether he has enough for himself or not. He thrives on optimism. That has held him with love right through his life, through all his many travails. I remember how soon after we got married, he was out of a job for a few months and we lived on less than ten thousand odd rupees for a while. I didn't dare tell my parents that and prayed so hard that he would be out of the doldrums soon! It never bothered him though :)

He has been instrumental in changing the way I see money and giving. I see them with new eyes now, although there is still a lot more I have to let go of. When we moved house recently, and one of the packers kept looking at the little portable DVD player that he was watching a movie on, he promised him that he would give it to him, and he did! I don't know if I can give so easily and effortlessly and joyfully as yet, to everyone.

Most often I feel that we want kids to be the most perfect human beings and we invest so much in the future. We build dreams, hopes and fears because we are imagining a world that is yet to be born....and in the bargain, we kill their childhood innocence. Doesn't it make more sense to invest in what we have NOW? Doesn't it make more sense to give them what they need NOW, rather than keep wondering and fearing as to how they will turn out twenty years hence, spending hours teaching and moulding them towards that imaginary dream or vision we have?

So what happens when you enforce sharing in kids?...or paint a picture of it being a virtue to be imbibed?...or a skill to be taught or cultivated?....Do we ask kids what they feel about that? Can we still embrace their unkindness with love? Don't we all have dark sides to ourselves?

I feel that sharing and giving are virtues that have been over-romanticized by our older generations. After all, when you 'hold' or learn to 'be' with a thought, a dream, an idea, a book or a toy, you understand it and yourself a little more and give yourself the space to let go, isn't it? ...and when you are full and feel full, is when you can truly give...with a joy that permeates everything around you.

So I will wish you this - "Happy Owning" for a while! :)....until you are ready to give!


 Here is what I found on Giving by Kahlil Gibran......

"You give but little when you give of your possessions.
It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.
For what are your possessions but things you keep and guard for fear you may need them tomorrow?
And tomorrow, what shall tomorrow bring to the overprudent dog burying bones in the trackless sand as he follows the pilgrims to the holy city?
And what is fear of need but need itself?
Is not dread of thirst when your well is full, the thirst that is unquenchable?

There are those who give little of the much which they have--and they give it for recognition and their hidden desire makes their gifts unwholesome.
And there are those who have little and give it all.
These are the believers in life and the bounty of life, and their coffer is never empty.
There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.
And there are those who give with pain, and that pain is their baptism.
And there are those who give and know not pain in giving, nor do they seek joy, nor give with mindfulness of virtue;
They give as in yonder valley the myrtle breathes its fragrance into space.
Through the hands of such as these God speaks, and from behind their eyes He smiles upon the earth.

It is well to give when asked, but it is better to give unasked, through understanding;
And to the open-handed the search for one who shall receive is joy greater than giving.
And is there aught you would withhold?
All you have shall some day be given;
Therefore give now, that the season of giving may be yours and not your inheritors'.

You often say, "I would give, but only to the deserving."
The trees in your orchard say not so, nor the flocks in your pasture.
They give that they may live, for to withhold is to perish.
Surely he who is worthy to receive his days and his nights, is worthy of all else from you.
And he who has deserved to drink from the ocean of life deserves to fill his cup from your little stream.
And what desert greater shall there be, than that which lies in the courage and the confidence, nay the charity, of receiving?
And who are you that men should rend their bosom and unveil their pride, that you may see their worth naked and their pride unabashed?
See first that you yourself deserve to be a giver, and an instrument of giving.
For in truth it is life that gives unto life while you, who deem yourself a giver, are but a witness.

And you receivers... and you are all receivers... assume no weight of gratitude, lest you lay a yoke upon yourself and upon him who gives.
Rather rise together with the giver on his gifts as on wings;
For to be overmindful of your debt, is to doubt his generosity who has the freehearted earth for mother, and God for father."


Would love to hear your thoughts....