Don't pack your worries, pack your trust

We were in the car this morning, on our way to my parents' house for the ceremony to be done at the  end of the first month after my father's passing. Raghav usually wakes up very late in the morning and today I had to wake him up much earlier than usual. He was a bit grumpy about that and took time to get ready.

Since we had no time to talk about the menu for the day and so on, I had already made his lunch, which I thought I would take with us, so he could have it there if he wanted to. But when I asked him, he said that he would come back home earlier than he had the last time and eat lunch at home. So he did not want me to pack anything for him. Well I, anticipating trouble and a possible meltdown as it usually happened when his routine got disrupted and when he couldn't pay attention to his body, decided to pack a few snacks and his lunch anyway. As we were leaving the house, he asked me why I was doing that, as he had already told me his plan. I was in a rush to leave and so brushed it aside saying that it would not do us any harm to just carry a few things along anyway.....'just in case'!

While in the car, he asked me again as to why I had packed food for him. And for the first time, I was able to share with him all the thoughts that were going on inside me honestly and minutely. I realised as I was speaking to him, that I had not packed food for him...I had packed my worries. Here is what I told him:
"I know you told me not to pack anything, but I was worried and anxious as to what might happen later if you suddenly felt hungry....often you have jumped and screamed and asked for things to be made and given in an instant, or been particular about what you wanted to eat, refusing to eat what was available. So I thought that it was better to be prepared for that, as I was scared that I would not be able to handle that if it happened."

R: "But I already told you that I didn't need anything no? I understand that I can't have that even if I want it...."

Me: "Yes, right now you understand. But at that moment when you are so hungry, you might not be in a position to understand no? Or your understanding might change.....or you might change your mind."

R: "But I was prepared for that."

Me: "So are you telling me that I didn't trust you and that I should trust you when you say that and not pack anything for you when you don't want me to?"

R: "Yes."

I realised then that what I had packed was not food but my worries and my fears....and here he was asking me to pack trust! I was filled with the anxiety and fear of how I might not have control over something that could happen, and that fear was stopping me from experiencing what Life was perhaps bringing me, fully...it was stopping me from experiencing a lightness, joy and ease.

And like it usually happens with him, the end is never an ideal fairy-tale end to another beautiful story....the kind that most people (like me) would anticipate. It was an end that was the beginning of yet another mystery in some ways....for he did change his mind when we got there, and had the lunch that I had packed! :)

Looking back now, yes, I had made a choice based on a pattern that was already sitting inside me....a choice which brought up a fear....but it was also a choice that brought me back to look at another part of myself....because I chose to look at it as I chose to listen to my son and feel a 'rightness' in what he was sharing or bringing up. Yes, I always have a choice as to what I want to look at in a given moment. But do I want to see that? Would I ever come to know which choice would have been right or wrong? Does that even matter really? Or does it matter only that I am open to seeing more....more of myself?

And maybe that is what trust is about....
It is what emerges when I make a choice-less choice in the moment...when I go out ready to be molded and shaped by life.

Freedom

The other day, we were somewhere and my son wanted us to buy him something which he really wanted. And we did not because it was beyond our budget. We explained our stance to him. He was still very upset and angry. For a long time he did not want to see us or talk to us. Then later, on his own, he said that he was ready to talk about it.

I asked him how he was feeling, and he said that he was angry. He was angry that we hadn't got him what he wanted. I listened to him express his frustrations. We explained to him why we could not, and suggested other ways of planning for such things, so that both he and we were prepared. He agreed to make a list of things he wanted and then sit down with us to see what was possible, when etc. And then he told us this: "Why is it that you grown ups have so much freedom and not us children? Why can't we do what we want to? So many times I have seen grown ups not give their children freedom...." Of course, that was said in a moment of anger and frustration, but I felt that there was some truth in it.

Often we don't want to see the truth that is staring at us. We do (seemingly) have more freedom than they do, because we are often able to exercise control not only over our choices, but over their choices too, and we often attribute that to our belief and value systems.....but do we stop and question those and see for ourselves if we are holding on to them too tightly? Do we stop to see another point of view and the larger picture that is emerging, which often has nothing to do with our beliefs and choices really? These are questions I ask myself, and I don't know the answers to any of these, but I am learning to stay with these questions more and more and loosen the grip over my beliefs, a little at a time, being gentle with myself....simply because I do not know....

Two days ago, this whole thing about freedom came up again and we were talking about it on our way home. I shared with him how much freedom I think we gave him. He agreed. I then shared with him why I thought his father usually never said no to him and got him most things that he wanted. I told him how when he was a child, he was hardly ever given things that he wanted, hardly ever allowed to buy things he wanted, because his father could not afford it. I told him how I thought that was the reason why he wanted him to have what he asked for. And how I felt that that was okay, but that the world and Life do not work like that.....that you don't always get everything that you want, whenever you want...and that I felt it was important to understand that and be with that feeling of not having as much freedom. He agreed, and then said this: "Amma, I agree with you. I have to be able to hear a 'no'...I know I cannot get everything I want. I know that appa should not simply buy everything that I want. He must be able to say no. I will be okay finally to hear that, even if it may be tough at that time. I will tell him that when he comes back."

And I smiled and wondered as to who was teaching who about freedom :)

I am a Non- non-vegetarian!

Raghav just got back after an evening out with his dad, who went to meet and have dinner with his friends.

R: Do you know what happened there?
Me: Tell me...
R: Some of them ordered fish and chicken!
Me: Hmmm...so what happened? How did you feel?
R: Well, I was terrified! I mean I am completely non-non-vegetarian! I just wanted to get up and run away somewhere. But obviously I couldn't. So I hid myself under the table and held my nose.
Me: Ok. Did you tell appa that?
R: No. I couldn't. But actually, we should have just left. That is how I felt.
Me: What is it about fish and chicken that you don't like?
R: The smell.....but actually when it came, it didn't smell....and I got busy on my ipad and so I didn't even know, I guess.
Me: What is it about non-vegetarian food that makes you uncomfortable? That's what some people eat and like to eat no, just like we eat vegetarian food? That's what human beings have eaten since when they were cave men....right? If I tell you to stop eating some things that you like, would you be able to?
R: No, it will be difficult for me. Because I am addicted to that. But we don't need to eat that. We want to. Those days, that's all they could eat....animals and things....by hunting......but now, we have so much variety....so many different foods to choose from.....so we can eat just vegetarian food.

Food Choices

Raghav's gyan this morning from his morning durbar with me .....:)
(His inferences from watching videos on BrainPop and reading a book on body science)

"You can be completely vegetarian and still get all the nutrition your body needs.
But you cannot be completely non-vegetarian and still get all the nutrition that your body needs. You have to have some vegetarian food too. Because non-veg foods give you only a part of what your body needs. And I think most people actually KNOW that."

Am I Comfortable In My Own Skin?

Today we went to a birthday party - it was my neighbour's kid's birthday and Raghav really likes her. She has a way with him...a fierce persistence to get him to listen and respond to her, and even if he does get irritated sometimes, he generally listens to her and likes being with her, and when he doesn't he just tells her off. She is all of six and a good three years younger than he is. So yes, Raghav really wanted to go.

We haven't been to a birthday party in a long time...more than two years I think. Raghav has a fear of balloons (bursting) and so usually doesn't like to go to birthday parties. But he has often made an effort to go to some, especially if it is his dear friend's. He is then even willing to bear the extreme discomfort and face his fear.

And while he faces his fears, I face mine too - the fear of what people would think if he closes his ears and screams when he sees a balloon, the fear of being different, the fear of being rejected and not being seen for who we are. And so, we have often faced our fears together. There were many times, when I was the only other mom in a birthday party, as most parents would just drop off their kids and go away. But Raghav still needs me in that sense, and always has. And so I would have to be with him, be his voice, encourage him to join in whenever he could in the games and so on. I have felt embarrassed and out of place, much like a fish out of water, and yet stayed with all of that. It has paid us dividends, which I am able to see today.

So, yes we went to the party and had quite a good time too! We knew no one there, except for my neighbour and her kids. But we both felt okay about it. We sat by ourselves for a while, until others started coming in. We were introduced to some of them. One lady, who was the mom of a six year old boy, opened up and chatted with us. She introduced her son to Raghav (who also loved cars and Lego) and they actually sat and chatted for quite a while. For the first time in my life, I felt gratitude towards extroverts like her, who take the first step towards starting a conversation with people like me, who find it challenging to initiate conversations. It was a huge shift for me. All these years, I have felt out of place and extremely uncomfortable with my inability to start up conversations with some people. I have judged myself for being who I was. It has been a painful struggle to be comfortable all the time, with who I was. I have kept away and felt sad about it too. But today was different. I was able to see and love myself for who I was, and able to see the gift that others brought me, by being their bubbly, outgoing selves. When this shift happened inside, it was amazing to see the shift happening outside. I suddenly felt so free and at ease with myself and everyone, even though no one there spoke to me, and I too didn't speak. There was no need. It was perfect as it was.

Raghav was also more at ease with himself. He agreed to go there without his iPad (which happens rarely, but is beginning to happen more now!); he was happy to do nothing and just sit on his chair; he was okay to sit amidst a place full of balloons (even if he closed his ears for most parts of the time); he made friends with a boy he had never met before, and even played with him for a while. These were all huge shifts for us!

Yes, it looks like we are getting more and more comfortable in our own skins (until of course we need to shed them at some point, for some reason! ). But what amazed me the most was what transpired in the conversations between Raghav and his new transient friend. I hardly ever intervened, and am so glad I didn't! (I guess you will figure out why) I share here some parts of the conversation as I remember it....

X: What is your name?
R: Raghav.
X: Which class are you in? Which school do you go to?
R: I don't go to any school. I learn by myself at home.
X: What are you saying? How can you not go to school? Then do you sell flowers??
You must go to school. You are nine years old? You have to now start from baby class!
R: I don't sell flowers. I just don't go to school. I used to go when I was small, but then didn't like it. It was boring.
X: Yes. Actually sometimes when my friends in class trouble me a lot, I also don't feel like going...I tell my mother that I don't want to go to school. But she says that I must.
What is your favourite colour?
R: Red
X: Mine too! What is your favourite food?
R: Pasta and pizza.
X: I like french fries and pizza.
R: How can you have two favourites?
X: What is your favourite fruit?
R: Strawberry.
X: I like custard apple and banana.
And then they went on to talk about favourite vegetables listing them in order of preference.

Then, this little boy wanted to go and play 'catch', and asked Raghav if he would come. Raghav hesitatingly agreed, but wanted me to be around. I went along. Just before they started, he asked Raghav: "So do you have friends if you don't go to school?"
R: Yes, I do have some friends. A (the birthday girl) is also my friend. She is my neighbour.
And then they began to play. When they had finished, he came up to me and said: "He is very slow. See, I am smaller than him, and still I am so fast. I caught him so easily."
R: "Actually, I don't think we can say who is faster or slower. I think (but I may be wrong) we both run at the same speed. But I find it hard to cut corners, while he is good at that. That is why I think I cannot catch him, but he catches me."

Then, everyone was called in to the place where the cake was being cut. Raghav hesitated to go in as some kids had loads of balloons in their hand, and he was scared that they might unwittingly burst them. His friend saw him and asked what had happened.
R: I am scared of balloons.
X: But you are nine years old. You are not a baby. How can you be scared of balloons?
R: I am scared. I am scared that they will burst, and I don't like that....the sound.

After the cake-cutting, Raghav wanted to leave. So we excused ourselves without eating a thing. Raghav didn't want to eat the cake as he felt it would have eggs in it. So we told my neighbour and left. For the first time, I didn't feel bad or guilty or sad about hurting anyone's sentiments.

Later, in the car, we chatted about the party and how he felt there. I had been a silent observer, watching and listening to their conversations. I was able to see the innocence as well as the sarcastic adult-like, adult-influenced remarks of a six year old. I wondered how I might have got hurt with remarks like that from someone.  And so I turned to Raghav and asked him how he felt. He said that he was completely fine with everything and that nothing had upset him. I smiled. I remembered that wooden hand-crafted doll.....which has a rounded bottom, and which when disturbed or pushed, rolls around and eventually comes back to its stable position without toppling over.

"I would like to perhaps play 'catch' with J (his best friend) and see. I have a feeling that he might also not be able to cut corners like me and that we would run at the same speed. That would be more challenging for me, because it would be more fair.....I was also wondering why he said that if someone does not go to school, they must be selling flowers. That is not true. There are so many things we can do if we don't go to school. Not just selling flowers!", he added. He seemed to know exactly what his challenges were, and was willing to explore those. And he was also okay to move out of his comfort zone, like he had done today.

I was quite surprised. Yes - surprised as to how non-intervention (when it is the ask of the moment) can be the best thing to do some times. Surprised as to how one just does not need to 'work on' one's challenges persistently....that there are other 'do nothing' ways of arriving at the same place. There was no need to 'facilitate' children or 'teach' them how to handle the world and themselves...what to say and when and how. They already know.

And there is definitely a moment in time, when one does not feel the need to justify one's actions and choices.....when one's thoughts are not white-washed by redundant conditioning.....when one can smell the sweet aroma of child-like innocence and simply rest in that, enjoy that....when one can simply slip in comfortably into one's own skin. Nothing else matters then. You are centered, grounded and at peace with your own little self....inside your own skin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“The moment will arrive when you are comfortable with who you are, and what you are– bald or old or fat or poor, successful or struggling- when you don't feel the need to apologize for anything or to deny anything. To be comfortable in your own skin is the beginning of strength.” 

― Charles B. Handy

I Hate Advertisements!

Some days ago, while we were in the car, Raghav shared his displeasure about the ads that appear before the videos that he watches on Youtube.

"I hate those advertisements! Why do they even have those ads for videos?", he bellowed angrily.
And we talked about how they probably made money with those ads, because of which he was able to watch all his videos.

"But why do we need ads? Why can't people just go to the shop and buy what they want or feel like buying?", he added.

"Because then the buying or not depends on whether someone goes to the shop or not....and they perhaps want to make more money, they want more and more people to buy their products....that is why they put out ads....to put out a message about that product.....to tempt people to go looking for it and buy it," I said.

"Yes....I know....ads trick you," he continued. "Like I have seen that Johnson's shampoo and soap ad on Youtube, where they say that if you use it, your skin will be softer.....I have been using that shampoo for so long, but I don't feel that way.....that my skin is softer or anything...which means what they are saying is not completely right no?," he added. "That is why I never trust ads, even if they are interesting."

"Which one did you find interesting?"....I was curious to know.

"The Dove soap ad? That looks really interesting, but I would never go and buy a Dove soap....because I don't think what they say is true! I will never buy anything for which they show ads," he said. I smiled.

He wanted to know more about how they made money with ads, what are the various things which people advertise for and so on, and so we talked about ads for houses, cars, travelling, food and so on. I also shared with him how sometimes some stores advertise a sale that says -'buy two and get one free' and we spoke about how they perhaps adjust the price so that they don't lose much, or make a profit, and how people like us actually get fooled by that, as we think that we are getting something free, when we are actually not, and have paid for it in some ways. We also chatted about how sometimes they have ads for sales when they want to get rid of old stock - things not sold.

Here's how he reflected what he had understood. :)
"So that means, if there is a sale in a toyshop and they say that if you buy one car, you get one car free....and they say that you have to pay 200Rs., then actually the price of each car is 100Rs., but they sell it for 200Rs.?"
"Yes, so you are sometimes actually paying for two cars, thinking that you are paying for one only!," I added.
"Yes.....they are cheating us then," he exclaimed.

We then went on to talk about how we need to be more aware when we think of buying things, how the ads can play on our minds and what we need to think about before buying something.

Of Battles, Corn Puffs and Self-Discipline

Raghav loves eating corn puffs....the bright orange, sticky, spicy stuff that comes in packets, which we get fresh only in one store. That is probably the only 'junk' food he loves - no aerated drinks, juices and chips in packets. Not for him. But some months ago, he had two root canals done and stopped eating chocolates and this on his own. If someone brought him chocolates, he would politely refuse to take them, saying that he didn't eat them anymore. We thought that was the end of his explorations with these foods. But knowing how he likes to form his own boundaries, we should have known better! :)

Suddenly, a few days ago, he expressed a desire to eat corn puffs again. I guess he was reminded of it when we passed that store. Both Srinath and I said that we would like to talk about it a little more before deciding on anything, but we all forgot. A little while ago, Raghav remembered again and wanted to have a discussion. This is how it went.....

R: I really want to have corn puffs again.

Me: Why do you want it again now?

R: Because I love the feeling in my mouth when I eat it, and the taste. It kind of just melts in my mouth, and it is so easy to eat....I don't have to chew at all....

Me: Ok. So you like it because it is so easy to eat and it melts in your mouth? How about 'pori' (puffed rice)? You love that too don't you? That also melts in the mouth and is easy to eat no?

R: Yes, but corn puffs is different. It has holes in it, through which the saliva goes in and soaks it up. Pori takes longer to melt and is not so tasty. I like the taste and the feeling of the corn puffs in my mouth.

Me: Yeah...I understand.....but I am worried about your eating corn puffs, because you don't or forget to gargle your mouth after eating anything, and don't like to be reminded too....and I am worried that you might get your tooth problems again....do you remember what the dentist told you about cleaning your teeth after every meal, especially after eating sticky food?

R: Yes. But I will gargle and clean my teeth. I will make it a routine. Let's do one thing....here is my plan....we buy one packet of corn puffs for the whole week. I will eat only half a cup each day and only one time. Let's see how long that one packet lasts. And I will clean my teeth after each time.

S: But there is one more thing I am worried about. How do you know what there is in that corn puff? Does it list the ingredients? What if it has some chemicals or stuff that is not good for your body. We don't know what they put in it.

R: It must be made of corn flour. It does have ingredients listed on it. I like the taste and feeling.

Me: So you would rather have it because you like that taste and feeling, than think about what it might have, even if that  might not be good for your body?

S: Then why do you insist that we buy organic vegetables? We can eat anything no?

R (telling us the story with his hands): See...let me tell you....it's like this...suppose there is a battle of two teams....one team, which is the 'taste and feeling of corn puffs team' has 100 soldiers, and the other which is the 'organic' team has 90 soldiers....the 'taste and feeling' team wins because it is stronger.

We laughed and continued....it is great fun having these conversations! :)

Me: But isn't that unfair? One team is already stronger than the other. It will always win!

S: So going with the taste and feeling is stronger than whether it is organic or not or full of chemicals or not?

R: Yes. So if it is a battle between two teams - the 'organic' team which has 100 soldiers and the 'taste' team which has 90 soldiers, then the 'organic' team will win, because it is more important for me to eat organic vegetables than just eat anything else for taste.

The choice was made, the decision sealed! And I guess learning to discipline one's self, has to come from within, not without... and yes, it comes at a cost....a cost which one cannot measure if one measures it with the usual yardsticks.

Freedom

This has been one of our many conversations about what freedom means to each of us.

Yesterday, I was watching Raghav play one of his games on the iPad. This one was about horse riding - where he has to groom, feed and take care of his horse and then get it to do some obstacle courses, show jumping etc. He played it for a while according to the rules, but after a point, I heard him say this while he was playing: "That's enough! I am not going to follow those markings anymore...I am going to do whatever I choose to do!" and he took his horse for a ride all around, ignoring the instructions, markings and everything else. He does a similar thing when he plays one of his car racing games too - he just races around the track in the "wrong" direction, sometimes banging into cars, and sometimes managing to avoid them! When I ask him why he does that, he simply says "....because I like it!"

Today, while we were having lunch together, we looked out of the balcony to see many kites flying, gliding, hovering around over the waters. Both of us got up, washed our hands and took to our binoculars and camera. Two of them hovered just above us, and Raghav exclaimed: "Oh how I wish I could be a bird!", and I said:"Oh, how nice I will feel to be free like that bird!" "I want to be a bird because I can be high up there and look down below...no one is really free amma...", he continued. I asked him why. I asked him what freedom meant to him. This is what he said: "...freedom to me is when I can do whatever I want to, whenever I want to and however I want to....but then no one can be totally free, because God has made it like that.....something always happens and so you can never be free..."

Profound words. Hard-hitting thoughts. I realised how this is our eternal struggle as human beings...when you think you are free, something happens to bring you crashing down to what is real and alive now....and that is where the freedom is actually.....in this moment.

Ah yes! It is better to want to be a bird to just enjoy the flight and enjoy the breathtaking view from up there, rather than to think of something that you think you don't have and struggle endlessly to pursue that.

The key to freedom then, lies in enjoying the present moment that is both real and alive. When you stop thinking about freedom is when you are truly free!