Secrets

A few weeks ago, I shared this on my wall on Facebook -"Wallowing in the quiet happiness of not knowing....not knowing if I am living with an 8 year old who sometimes has the profound wisdom of an 80 year old, or an 8 year old who can scream and burst into tears in an instant and who looks up to me like a baby would sometimes with forlorn eyes, or now with an 8 year old who is busy making and keeping happy secrets like a teenager, in the quiet seclusion of his room....there is a beauty and a joy in not knowing....there is a love and a being-ness that defies all concepts of age and norms...and I love that! :)"

It felt good to bask in the warm autumn sun of motherhood, with all its brilliant, changing hues...life is often like that with Raghav....always changing, always colourful, always new and fresh - just like Fall. Only, that I never know what I am going to get :) or get into!

After months of carefully guarding his secret, last night Raghav finally decided to share it with me :) I plonked myself on the beanbag watching him and listening to his "secret between the iPad and him". The joy that poured out through his lit up face and flowing words, as he told me all about his Lego Marvel Superheroes and the videos of them that he had been watching all along, lit up my face and heart too. It was infectious! I suddenly felt like another kid, finally being let in to the most mysterious secret  in his little world :)

All these months, Raghav would ask me to keep away from him, when he was doing this " secret thing". He would shield himself and the iPad even from a casual, unconscious glance from me or my husband. He would sometimes announce to us to stay away from the room he was in. The build-up around the secret as usual added to its enigma. However, we managed to keep away :)

I asked him last night, as to why he had decided to finally share his well-preserved secret with us. "It was too hard for me to keep it to myself and away from your eyes any longer amma!", he sighed with a smile.

I am glad that he did - for partaking in the joy and unfolding of a secret has a special flavour of its own :) There is a beauty and a joy in not knowing, and a beauty and a joy in getting to know too!

The Joy of Self-Learning!

Recently, there had been a lot of sharing of Lego videos / simple animation done by kids, in our online homeschoolers' group. I watched all of those intently as I knew Raghav would love to make something like that sometime. One of them even shared the steps of how to make one with me. I was thrilled and wanted to make one for Raghav and surprise him. I thought he might then get more interested in making movies. But I forgot :)

This morning, Raghav sat with me to download some new apps on the iPad. He wanted to explore some new games. While he asked for suggestions like he usually does, he did not take any of my ideas ( again quite usual!) and went off after a while to look for things on his own, occasionally coming to share his findings with me. I now understand that his asking me for ideas is perhaps like the ignition - once you put in the key and turn it, it starts off on its own!

I was quite surprised at the iPad apps he had found on his own. One was about being a dentist, and the other was for making a Lego movie. He was excited about both! And I have no idea whatsoever as to how he found these apps! It was really strange because he had no idea about my thinking about making movies with lego, and he had also been to the dentist a few days ago, and had to get more dental work done in the coming week! And he had found two apps (both free) that would help him with both!

We went through the Lego Movie Maker app together and realised how easily we could make a Lego movie of our own! Raghav was very excited and went on to make his first ever Lego movie with it, almost entirely on his own. All I did was to hold the iPad for him to take a photo with a steady hand. He was even more excited  that he could add sound effects and his voice over to the movie! We spent some time on getting the video exactly how he wanted, with the voice over in the exact way he wanted and at the correct frame. He figured out how to adjust the frame speed and order the sounds recorded all on his own. I was merely there to listen, watch and hold the iPad steady. He plans to make many more and one hour-long Lego movie:)

A few days ago, my husband got a bit irritated with him for leaving the doors open in the bedroom, while the AC was on, and Raghav did not like being reminded of that. We had a long chat about it - we discussed how we didn't like to go behind him and close the doors each time as we were also getting tired of doing that. We also discussed how he didn't like to be told off or reminded about it. And then, we let it be.
The next day, Raghav came up to us with a printout of a door and said that he was going to cut it up and stick it on the bedroom door, to remind himself of what he had to do :) He had Googled for pictures, chosen one that he liked, printed it out, cut it out, and stuck it up all on his own! We have had to remind him very few times after that to close the door.

It is a priceless pleasure to watch the joy of self-learning and discovery unfold every single time. I never get tired of it. It is a warm feeling that radiates inside me when I see my son taking charge of himself and his living and learning, slowly and surely.

Sharing that joy with all of you through this post, photos and this video....

My first Lego Movie

a self-made reminder to close the door :)

Understanding the Shine

Recently, we were at a mall to watch The Lego Movie. We had lunch there afterwards. Raghav was as usual watching something on his iPad while eating. Suddenly, a man with two little kids and wife, who was hovering around, probably in search for a place to sit down and eat, came up to us and angrily and said:" This is a place to eat you know, not a place to play games!" Before I could think of what to say to him and how, my husband had already finished reacting with anger. The man smiled, perhaps glad to have made his point, and moved away.

I felt trapped between how I was feeling for my husband and that man. I could understand the space from where both were coming. One was feeling angry perhaps because his space was being intruded upon and he was being told what to do. The other was feeling angry perhaps because he was with two hungry kids and could not wait to get a seat to sit down and eat. I was contemplating on whether I should get Raghav to get up and give our place to them, as those kids were really little and hungry. But that would have been next to impossible with Raghav's difficulties with transition and understanding another's point of view. While I was still processing all this, it was all over with. That family got a place to sit within a few minutes.

I have felt responsible for defending my child and his needs, as his mother. I think that until he is ready to set out into the world on his own and fend for himself emotionally and physically, I need to be there with him. And I know that my child and the Universe will let me know when he is ready for that. This issue with gadgets is something that I constantly face and have to deal with, both with my immediately family and friends. Sometimes I stand up and speak for us as a family and for my son. Sometimes I just get tired of explaining over and over again. But what I know is that it is coming up again and again for me because I need to get more grounded in my belief that all is well as it is. I know I will reach a point when I will not have to speak up for us and him, and when I won't have to defend a choice that we have made, because it is what we believe in. I will get there, and until then I will just have to keep following my heart and go with the flow.

Raghav has told us many a time before, when we openly discussed my fear that these gadgets would become an obsession, that he needs them, and that it is not just a want. We have had many a discussion on needs and wants. I have come to trust that he knows the difference, just like I trust he knows what he wants to learn and how. It is a deep feeling that grows with time and by living together, by being real and alive to whatever comes up for us each moment.

Raghav has this need to watch something while he is eating.  He has made it clear to us that it makes him "eat better". What I think he means by that is he is more mindful of his eating. It can be hard to understand how that could possibly be mindful eating, when he is doing two things at a time. It was hard for me to understand too, until I was able to see the process of eating, through his eyes. With his extreme, and often unpredictable sensitivities and challenges in processing some of those, a visual stimulant like the iPad or TV, probably makes it easier for him to process all the sensory inputs he gets while going through a complex task such as eating. I think it calms him down, so that he can process what he is eating and how. I have noticed that he is able to tell me more about the taste, texture, smell and if he likes the food or not, when he is calm and enjoying his food. He has often explained how his tongue and teeth work while he is chewing, and about the function of the epiglottis and breath, while he is eating in this way. This sounded very similar to what a young person with autism told us about being able to concentrate better on his lessons or someone speaking, when he was listening to the music of his choice, at the volume most comfortable to him, and using headphones. In fact, he even took his State level exams, with his music and headphones on, after getting special permission.

To me, my understanding of sensory processing has helped me understand my child better. It is like this - to understand it, I had to get into the box and explore it fully from within and from all sides...and then, I wanted to get out of the confined freedom of that box quickly, so that I didn't get stuck in it, and could look beyond. Today, I understand my son's challenges, through his shine. These "quirks" (for want of a better word) are his shine - who he truly is. I see them as pointers for me to not take anything, however simple it may seem, for granted. I see them as stepping stones to question and let go of my long-standing beliefs and fears. I see them as the unique cuts that make my precious diamond bring forth his own radiant shine into this beautiful world.

Learning Together....Stepping into the Unknown...

Raghav has grown up watching me deal with my severe wheezing attacks. They are almost non-existent now, ever since I gave up milk, reduced my tamarind intake, changed the kind of food I ate (especially restricting fruits) and started doing some meditation everyday, focusing on my breath.

It touched me and moved me to tears today when my son, after watching a zillion BrainPop videos on varying subjects on his iPad, came up to me and said: "Amma, maybe you can use a peak flow meter when you get your wheezing....I think it will help you." And then, we sat down together to watch the video that explained what it was and how it worked. I learned something new - something that no doctor I had been to so far had informed me about, and something that I had not bothered to find out more about, myself.

This is just one of the many many ways in which we have learned something together....where no one person is the authority on the subject or claims to know more...it is indeed a happy feeling I feel inside me...to say that I don't know and step into the unknown, learning something new each day, as we live together.